Monday, March 10, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Fantasy fishing league / It’s OK to lie in court about sex / The paramedic who faints around needles / Supercow! / “I stand before you, a vagina-friendly mayor” / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Leading Economic Indicators: (1) Developers are planning to tear down the historic Kingsway Cathedral in Des Moines, Iowa, to make way for a, uh, convenience store/gas station; (2) The Winnipeg (Manitoba) Bar Ass’n said it would like to join the lawsuit over a local investigation of police but that it can’t afford to hire a lawyer (Seriously) . . . . . Leading Cultural Indicator: fantasy fishing league! . . . . . A literature review found that Japan’s so-called research rationale for its whale-hunting looks kinda bogus, e.g., they need whales for experiments like cross-breeding with cows [which, in fairness to the Japanese, still isn’t as weird as, y’know, selling used panties in vending machines] . . . . . In a tremendously Bill-Clinton-friendly decision, a high court has declared that it’s not a crime to lie under oath if the lie is just about sex; too bad for Clinton that the ruling was by Italy’s Court of Cassation.

The Human Condition Today
Inconvenient disability: Fireman-paramedic sues to get his job back after being fired because he always faints at sticking in needles . . . . . Self-reported symptoms almost always improve with placebos for 20-40 percent of patients, across the board, and moreso for red or black placebos than for white placebos, and now: more with pills that the patient is told costs $2.50 each, versus 10 cents each . . . . . Another journal article last week, though, said aromatherapy doesn’t seem to work at all, but that study’s probably a bunch of crap, since one of the authors is Dr. William Malarkey.

Your Daily Loser
The silver-tongued (“Chocolate City”), empty-suit mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, said he’s down with next month’s women’s celebration in town aimed at reducing violence, which is fine, except that when he welcomed Eve Ensler to the city on Friday, he must’ve double-dosed his lithium: “I was absolutely blown away at how awesome this work is. I mean, she is doing God’s work. So, I stand before you, a vagina-friendly mayor. I am in! And you know what? It is so appropriate right now. New Orleans, Louisiana, is the birth place of jazz, you know, but it is the birthplace of so many tremendous women.”

It wasn’t one of Yr Editor’s iconic Flying Cows, but it was a supercow, nonetheless, and its owners were adjudged not responsible for knowing it could, if it wanted, leap over a 12-ft grid . . . . . Arrested for allegedly stabbing his roommate: Mr. Timothy Stilletto . . . . . An inadvertent suicide spectacular in Minnesota: He hanged himself from a pipe, but an hour after he died, the weight of his body cracked the pipe, which was for natural gas, soon making for a zowie explosion! . . . . . A man went nuts in a town in southern Thailand, killing eight neighbors, because, well, the karaoke party was too loud, and, seriously, the main culprit seemed to be Country Roads by John Denver . . . . . Maybe the biggest German paternity lawsuit since that Boris Becker “2 minutes in a broom closet” conception: A Neumuenster zoo wants a piece of the Berlin zoo’s action for gigolo-ing to make the celeb-bear Knut . . . . . A woman found $15,000 in the middle of the road (Plattsburgh, N.Y.), and a thrift-store worker found $30,000 mistakenly left in some old clothes, and both turned it in (and neither one was hospitalized pending a mental evaluation!).

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Wilson Yazzie Benally, suspicion of shoplifting and impersonating a police officer

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Yr Editor used to have a fascination with major highway truck spills, which brought together the gigantic consequences of small errors, plus shock-and-awe visual (and sometimes olfactory) spectacle, plus, of course, annoyance and inconvenience, which often lead to weird secondary behaviors. But, as usual, the Internet has outrun Yr Editor on this. Here’s a collection of truck spills.

Newsrangers: Larry Ellis Reed, Paul Music, Sam Gaines, Scott Langill, Valerie Mohr
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.