Monday, March 24, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Ready for a pregnant husband? / Next on the cloning agenda: that "genius" bull / Ruben Enaje takes nails in the hands and feet for the (almost) 23rd straight Easter / Citizen advisory for the Amish community: buggy-jacking! / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Drug war is so bad in Palomas, Mexico, that the police chief ducked across the border to Columbus, N.Mex., for asylum, but the war’s bad there, too, e.g., armed robbers recently commandeered a dentist’s office while the mayor was getting a root canal . . . . . With 114 “underperforming” schools to take care of, the Massachusetts Bd of Education spent parts of more than three recent meetings concentrating on, er, looking for a sweeter word than “underperforming” . . . . . Nigeria, land of major-league scams, gets all wussy: cheating in a fishing tournament . . . . . Leading Economic Indicator: Among the fire-sale real estate on the market in Grand Rapids, Mich.: the headquarters building of the Home & Building Ass’n of Greater Grand Rapids . . . . . What century are we in? The U.S. Supreme Court had to reverse a state court judge in Louisiana who kept a jury all-white (judging a black murder defendant) by "excusing" a black student from the jury because he didn’t want the poor guy to miss any classes, but he kept a white self-employed contractor with a sick wife.

The Human Condition Today
“Is society ready for [the] pregnant husband?” (Thomas, born a female, is legally married to Nancy, also female, but Thomas was assigned the household chore of child-bearing) . . . . . No, no! First, you get elected; then you commit the sex crime (not the way mayoral candidate Brian Sliter is doing it) . . . . . People Different From Us: An Aboriginal Manitoban woman didn’t complain when her brother raped her, and didn’t complain when he kicked her while she was pregnant with that baby (over a pro wrestling dispute!) because, she said, she is “a forgive-and-forget person,” but then he went and burned mom’s house down, and that pissed her off . . . . . Failed defense argument for a DUI charge in which the driver crashed into two horses with five riders aboard: My client is an “experienced drinker” so alcohol had nothing to do with it [Ed.: The story with the money quote is behind Albuquerque Journal's money wall] . . . . . What a Crew! The emergency dispatchers in Montgomery County, Pa., who held their raucous office party while manning the 911 phones, now say they handled every damn one of the 952 calls that came in, expeditiously and professionally, of course.

Your Daily Loser
Armed robber Joshua Crowley, 22, who was pursued by, confronted by, and wrestled down by, Mary Chamberlain, 66.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
The Hagar-Clayton family, of Holts Summit, Mo., charged with team burglary (and grandpa will join the lineup once the cops bring him over from the hospital)

Explanation, please: James Lacy was arrested for having “imitation crack cocaine,” which it turns out, sounds very much like just a packet of crushed peanuts [Seriously, but he’s in jail, so, like, do they have lawyers in Charleston?] . . . . . The Jelly Belly people, playing games with new flavors of jelly beans, have introduced vomit, earwax, moldy cheese, pencil shavings, and baby wipe . . . . . Police in Missouri’s Amish country made an arrest in that buggy-jacking . . . . . He’s a “genius”; he’s like “a painting by Rubens, or Velazquez”; he is . . Alcalde, Spain’s alpha bull with a genetic line for siring precisely the kind of toros that make matadors look good; hence, clone him!

Nineteen men in San Pedro Cutud, Philippines, signed up for crucifixion on Friday, with Ruben Enaje, 47, getting the top seed because it was his 22nd time with the nails in the last 23 yrs (with each man in line getting to stick, screaming, for 5 minutes).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Now, this is a site for serious toe-readers so Yr Editor implores you: If you’re one of those slutty, libido-driven foot fetishists, don’t ruin it for the rest of us by dragging the site down to your level.

Newsrangers: Jeff Berg, John Holsinger, Paul Music, Paul Di Filippo, Rob Snyder, Henry Bailey, Tiffanie Meyer, Jerry Whittle
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.