Things To Worry About On Wednesday
The muskrat-skinning lovelies of Maryland’s Eastern Shore / The old “my breasts are too big” criminal defense / Nepal’s “living goddess” all washed up / The Swedish handlebar freak / And more!
Civilization in Decline
Buddhist monks in Thailand are warned: stop using the Internet to get hookups! . . . . . Why Lobbyists Make the Big Bucks: A Norwegian whaling industry campaign urges us to eat more whale because it’s 8x less eco-destructive than eating cattle (according to the way they figure it, anyhow) . . . . . Polk County, Fla. (which is to the F State as West Virginia is to America) is overrun by vultures, but they’re federally protected so it’s illegal even to annoy them, basically.
The Human Condition Today
Miss Outdoors 2008 was crowned on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, at the annual beauty-pageant/muskrat-skinning festival, and, yes, two of the hotties went from evening gowns to skinning as their “talent” . . . . . Mmmmm! Deutscheland sausages, made with the actual blood of German military airmen . . . . . Finally, we have closure on newspaper-speak for what “more and more” means in a trend story; answer: “5 or 6" (which here is the number of people Massachusetts lawmen say they can recall showing up recently having obliterated their “print” fingertips) (which is one of the more uselessly painful acts, in that, if there’s one way to arouse cops’ suspicion, it’s to not be finger-printable) . . . . . A show-off dad landed his plane on a golf course, scaring people, just to drop his kid off for tennis tryouts (Bonus: Kid missed ‘em anyway, and besides, it was just junior varsity) . . . . . Dope is apparently so ubiquitous in Santa Clara County, Calif., that perfectly good marijuana plants are showing up as recycling-center trash . . . . . And finally, we have some Bafflingly Inexplicable stories: (1) She (age 35) was attempting to lay a memorial shirt at the site of her dad’s being hit by a train, and she slipped and fell, just when a train was passing, and . . . yes; (2) Someone (maybe more than one) sent confidential U.S. Air Force business via e-mail to “mildenhall.com” (a tourism site for a town in England) instead of whatever the e-mail address is for the U.S. airbase at Mildenhall air field in England; (3) a guy cooking a meal in Anderson, S.C., burned himself while holding a knife, which caused him to stab himself so forcefully that the blade went through his ribs and into his heart.
Your Daily Loser
Police Lt. David Mitchell, Rogers, Ark., will officially be suspended soon over a Tasering incident 2 yrs ago when he and a buddy fired at a cow but wound up zapping themselves.
People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
A Swedish newspaper reported that a 35-yr-old man was arrested after a couple of nuisance cases in which women’s bicycles had been befouled by the man’s essence; he said he had felt an “overwhelming calm” when he could sniff the handlebars of a woman’s bike.
It says here that a generously-gazongaed Japanese model was acquitted of kicking a hole in her boyfriend’s apartment wall and coming in after him (for cheating), with the clinching argument that she was too, well, large to get through that hole [and it’s not a waiwai story!] . . . . . Georgia law, against the grain: Not only did the DNA test (proving he was not the father) get a guy off the hook for continued child support, but now the mom and the real daddy have to pay the previously-poor schlemiel back every penny.
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Mark Brown, 47, alleged burglar
That Hindu “living goddess” who was close to being fired last yr when she came to the U.S. to promote a documentary about living goddesses [NOTW Daily, 7-5-2007], is retiring, at age 11 (the normal, or almost-normal retirement age) because, y’know, when you reach that age, you’re no longer the required “perfect” specimen.
Professor Music’s Weird Links
Yr (aging and highly imperfect) Editor, usually at least moderately interested in beauty aids that promise youth, nonetheless continues to underappreciate possessing a young-looking sphincter, but it might not be too late for you: http://www.BleachBum.com/
Newsrangers: Lurene Haines, Sam Gaines, Kathryn Wood, Barbara Watter, Steve Dunn, Nancy Coltrin, Larry Ellis Reed, Jim Bishop, Michael Lake, Scott Langill, Brian Clement, Geoff Belanger, Mark Neunder
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.