Monday, April 14, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
UK to take it easy on pirates / The strip-club owners’ go-to intellectual / Damn those complicated flagpoles / Milwaukee’s jailhouse alderman leaves “office” / And more!

Creme de la Weird
At the 20th Ozark UFO Conference over the weekend, a warning was issued, from reps of the “143,999" alien races, offering salvation from the imminent black hole that Earth’s solar system will become at some point over the next four years (no matter who wins the presidency!), with the only requirements, apparently, that you be “willing” and “ready” to be saved, i.e., nothing about Jesus. Author Don Ray Walton said this information came directly to him when he was abducted briefly just outside of Stephenson, Tex., [CORRECTION: Stephenville] earlier this year, and that dad-gummed new information made him have to go back and revise one of his chapters.

Civilization in Decline
Britain’s Foreign Office has advised the Royal Navy to go easy on pirates, like the ones off the coast of Somalia, because, one, we don’t want to deprive them of their “human rights,” and two, if you capture them, they might claim asylum . . . . . Recession, what recession? 71 NYC apartments selling for $10M or more have already closed out this yr, versus 17 during all of last yr, and according to this Guardian report, companies selling customized baby strollers are still getting $3,500 for their buggies . . . . . The Catholic Archdiocese of Denver has agreed with a man who was fondled (only fondled) by a priest on two occasions, when he was 16 or 17, that a fair price for those feel-ups is $150,000 each.

The Human Condition Today
A Birmingham (Ala.) News columnist said Mayor Langford’s new anti-crime strategy involves 2,000 burlap bags, to somehow shame would-be criminals (provided the criminals understand the Biblical imagery) . . . . . Once again, U. of Maryland anthropologist Dr. Judith Hanna comes to the rescue of strip clubs, testifying that stripping and lap-dancing are serious artistic performances for such-and-such reasons based on such-and-such research . . . . . A 50-yr-old Southbury, Conn., man was killed in a mid-afternoon one-car collision as he was backing out of his driveway (Seriously) . . . . . The executive director of the TIZA Academy, a Minnesota charter school run by an Islamic organization, said he really wants to be a good American citizen and that the only reason he never flew the U.S. flag out front was because he couldn't figure out how to do that flagpole thingy . . . . . The lovely Kira Kashie Brooks’s aspiring pageant career (as well as her electability as governor of the F State) is on hold following her sentencing for charging the pageant entrance fee (plus some diva supplies) to her gov’t-job credit card (Bonus: the “gov’t job” she had was with the police department).

Your Daily Loser
Cyheam Forney, 31, Melville, N.Y., managed to pump up an illegal left turn citation into a felony by offering as bail a counterfeit $50 bill.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Larry Smallwood, 52, and Brenda Ivey, 46, charged with elderly abuse, neglecting Larry’s mother (she died)

The criminal suspect most in need of a name change: Austin, Tex., alleged parole-violator, 24-yr-old Don Henry Truevillain [may need to scroll down, to SWAT story, 4-13-2008; Note: Name also spelled "Truevillian" in the story] . . . . . Italy votes today for lots of offices, but we’ll be watching the Rome city council elections, where porn star Milly D’Abbraccio has been putting her background in voters’ faces . . . . . Brilliant: An F-state sheriff’s deputy concluded that the graffiti at an elementary school, of stick figures with schlongs (i.e., maximum age of artist is, like, 8), appeared to be just regular graffiti “and not gang-related.”

Milwaukee Alderman Michael McGee [NOTW Daily, 2-22-2008] lost his seat in the April 1 election, and today’s his last day in office, and by “in office,” I mean “in Waukesha County Jail,” where he’s been since the middle of last year, drawing his paycheck (“innocent until proven guilty,” you know), and has thus cashed out $67k in jail pay. His trials (state and federal) start next month on shaking down businesses for city licenses and conspiracy to beat up a guy who wouldn’t play.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
A Turkish designer’s punchline-friendly combination, er, toilet and washing machine, for recycling wash water into the toilet tank, but visually it’d take some getting used to. [Link from Gizmodo].

NOTW, The Blog
Clarification from NOTWD ombudsman Buddy: A link in Prof. Music’s Weird Links on 4-10-2008 (the second of the two, might be a hoax, says reader Marti Walters, who tracked down the domain owner as far as she could take it and still ended up unsatisfied: “Whoever did that site is really trying to hide.” And, logically, why in the world would someone be trying to hide if he were intending to glorify the cultivating of crab lice? Extra note: That particular link was not supplied by Prof. Music, himself.

Newsrangers: Andy Gallien, Linda Ofshe, Jodi Lipsitz
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.