Monday, April 21, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Your honor, my client is a genetic mistake, a platypus! / Doctor, my navel is ugly and I want it gone / What was that rope for? / Jonathan Lee Riches files again / And more!

Creme de la Weird
Mr. LaVern Jordan, who founded the Parkway Christian School in Houston, got busted about as completely as a tacky dirty old man can be, trying to “do something” with a mother who needs to get her underachieving daughter into his school. “Excuse me and I don’t mean to be so blunt but I am talking about f------ you,” he says to the hidden microphone. Before she decides yes or no, he suggests, maybe “we could do some t–ty play.” Oh, how embarrassing! [Here’s the follow-up story, announcing Mr. Jordan’s retirement (Bonus: It appears that Mrs. Jordan wrote KTRK-TV a comment attacking the victim [since withdrawn, though other commentors’ comments on that comment remain up], and hers wasn’t the only attack on the victim)]

Civilization in Decline
Turns out that one enabler of Warren Jeffs and the Texas/Utah polygamists over the last 10 yrs has been, the, er, Pentagon, which has paid $1.7m for aircraft parts to companies owned by a major funder of the church, and that was only one of the companies’ customers (claims of $25k to $50k a week funneled to the church, which over time would buy you a pretty tall temple and a lot of gingham).

The Human Condition Today
MSNBC summarizes extreme plastic surgeries, like “vaginal rejuvenations” [yawn!], but what about ankle liposuction, forehead implants, toe-shortening, jaw-reshaping, and umbilicoplasty (er, removal of the belly button)? . . . . . Police Blotter from just across the Sound from our favorite Kitsap County: “At 4:02 p.m., April 10, two women went into the Federal Way [Wash.] police station claiming that over the past two years, a paranormal person has been placing sensors on their bodies and . . having sexual intercourse with them” . . . . . Mayberry in Crestview: A judge issued a domestic abuse restraining order against the police chief in Crestview, Fla., meaning that if he goes out on call, he turns into Sheriff Andy Taylor (unarmed) . . . . . Patrick Kilkenny Jr., accidentally crashed his car but thank goodness had the good sense to realize that if he didn’t quickly make a tourniquet with the seat belt and . . inject some of that heroin before the cops arrived, it’d just go to waste.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
CNN anchor Richard Quest was busted for violating the curfew in NYC’s Central Park last week, with a little meth in his pocket, but the NY Post said he also had “a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals, and a sex toy in his boot.” [Ed.: Actually, Yr Editor pleads ignorance here; the rope could be part of a better sex life than a lot of us have.]

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Stewart Otto, 31, charged with counterfeiting [or, rather, charged with being a guy you wouldn’t expect to be carrying legitimate $100 bills]

Unique trial strategy if you’re defending an accused wife murderer: My client reminds me of a platypus, and a platypus that’s gettin’ screwed! . . . . . The European Union further enraged another couple of UK groups: Health and safety rules require restrictions on the incredibly, unavoidably noisy bagpipe-playing, whose decibels come in ahead of a pneumatic drill and just behind a Boeing 747 take-off, and consumer-protection requirements mean spiritual healers and psychics might actually have to prove their effectiveness.

The videogame press is reporting that the all-time litigiousness giant Jonathan Lee Riches [NOTW M053, 4-13-2008] has filed for an injunction against some new games, claiming that inmates will play them, be overcome, and beat him up and steal his “gold Jesus cross” . . . . . There was another Christian-on-Christian brawl at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem yesterday [NOTW M004, 5-6-2007]; Armenians tossed a Greek priest out, and as usual, Muslim police had to come restore order . . . . . Gene Theory Lives: Freddie Johnson, the subway frottomaniac [NOTW Daily, 4-11-2008] has, it turns out, a twin brother Teddy who does the same damned thing (only he does it better dressed and not as frequently) (Freddie’s last interview with police yielded the indignant defense of, y’know, don’t beautiful women know they’re gonna get felt up if they ride the subway?) . . . . . Follow-up on the Loser/Bus Driver on Friday [NOTW Daily, 4-18-2008]: DUI was not involved, nor senior gas/braking, nor cell-phone driving, but the other of our Four Major Contemporary Highway Fear Inducers was involved: blind obedience to GPS navigators . . . . . The ABC News Medical Unit visited the same Sneeze Fetish Forum that Yr Editor commended to you on Thursday and wrote it up pretty good, with interviews of researchers on why people fetishize certain things.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

NOTW, The Blog
Yr Editor has always envied paraphiliacs who get off on things like sneezing because they get to engage in all sorts of erotic play that haven’t been frowned against like the mainstream paraphilias have. If I got off on fashionably-dressed women smiling with braces on their teeth, I could have all sorts of orgasm-inducing “pornography” lying around without being arrested or grossing anyone out. The equation changes, of course, if a real victim is included, and even my “pornography” involves taking the legal photograph of a person who might not have wanted it taken, especially if she knew I was going to have a happy ending with it. The issue has surfaced several times in recent weeks in the F State, involving Photoshopping legally-taken pictures of women’s or children’s faces onto legal adult pornography, with the latest involving Danny Parker (who, by the way, has not yet joined the digital revolution, in that his treasures are still done with scissors and paste, in a scrapbook).

Newsrangers: Ginger Katz, Christopher Nalty, Larry Ellis Reed, Chris Douthitt, Wendy Palm, Paul Di Filippo, Mark Neunder, Pierre Langenegger
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.