Thursday, April 24, 2008

Things To Worry About On Thursday
What a faith-based science teacher teaches middle-schoolers / A theme park for Baghdad / It's natural for yogurt makers to say it's natural / Contractors love working for the gov't (except for that tax thing) / And more!

Creme de la Weird
Moorestown, N.J., cop Robert Melia Jr., 38, is on leave, checking job listings, after it came out that he would be charged with molesting 3 young girls, but then, in addition, also doin’ it with a cow, which led to a police search of Melia’s computer, which turned up some bizarre web pages visited, including one containing a fictionalized scene in which the protagonist is a recently-retired cop talking about one applicant to the force that he remembers well. From The Trentonian:
The officer in the story tells his sergeant that the applicant offered “an extremely detailed explanation [of getting a heifer to go down on him]. Including [sic] how to select the right cow, what ‘lure’ to use, how to keep from getting stomped on, or kicked, or bitten, and so on, to the point where I was ready to throw up,” the story reads. “I’m telling you, Sergeant, I don’t think I can ever enjoy a cheeseburger again, and I know I will never drink another milkshake.”
Civilization in Decline
Three 18-yr-olds were busted for commandeering an 85-yr-old, off-and-on-senile woman to wear a hood and talk extra-dirty for their gang-banger video . . . . . Suspicions Confirmed: “All-natural” Pinkberry frozen yogurt isn’t quite, but the founder of the firm thought he could legally say it that way because the “yogurt” part was all-natural, even if the dozen-or-so additives weren’t . . . . . Mount Vernon, Ohio, middle-school science teacher John Freshwater is in trouble for teaching science by tossing Legos into a pile to see if the pile will build itself, like they say life on Earth built itself, and demonstrating electricity by electrostatically burning a cross on a student’s arm . . . . . Gov’t Accountability Office estimates that 60,000 federal contractors owe back federal taxes totaling almost $8B, including one company that got $1m while owing nearly $10m, and another owing $400k in taxes but which just doesn't do filings . . . . . U.S. farmers and their farm-state-Senator fellators are about to agree on renewing for 5 yrs the charming direct-payment system, in which big-farm owners enjoy sky-high prices, plus subsidies originally designed for when prices were low, paid to them not on what they produce but on how big their farms are, so that they can take their subsidy payments and buy even bigger farms to get even bigger subsidy payments next time around, and that’s how Big Farm gets treated, so how’s the Senate treating y’all readers?

The Human Condition Today
It’s No Longer Weird to show up drunk for your DUI court hearing, but Yr Editor hadn’t heard before of a member of the jury pool for a DUI case showing up drunk for morning roll call . . . . . Of course! If you’re one of those animal hoarders, and you happen to live in Idaho, you have not only dogs and cats but also five bobcats and 19 wolves . . . . . Tempe, Ariz., motorist David Lopez grabbed his gun to threaten an allegedly lousy driver in a Road Rage Moment, but then, while waving it around, Lopez accidentally shot himself.

Your Daily Loser
Robert Horsley Jr, 46, was charged with attempted home invasion in Bartlesville, Okla., and it turns out he tried to reach through the window of a 95-yr-old, wheelchair-confined woman, but she stabbed his arm with a screwdriver. So then he tried again, and she did it again. And so on. Blood and glass everywhere. After an hour and a half of that kinda whack-a-mole, he finally passed out, from loss of blood, and she called 911. Seriously, that’s what it says here.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
So, does Dwayne Smith, Jr., 18, look like the kind of kid who would burglarize his own dad’s house and steal a jar of pennies?

Too Soon! California investor Llewellyn Werner said he’ll pour $500m into a Disneyland-style theme park located, er, adjacent to the Green Zone in Baghdad (first phase: a skateboard park, opening in July) . . . . . Here’s news of interest to that Mount Vernon, Ohio, teacher: Nat’l Geographic reports on inadvertent evidence of that yucky “theory of evolution” from an island off Croatia, where five pairs of odd lizards improbably, drastically reshaped themselves over 30 lizard generations in 30 yrs and now are thriving.

Did you know that taxman Wesley Snipes is a “mighty oak” and a “true citizen of the world” who has “influenced [Woody Harrelson’s] thoughts and emotions”? Federal prosecutors want New Jack to serve 3 yrs, but Denzel and Woody asked the judge to go easy . . . . . They’ve found the balloon-riding priest’s balloons, in the Atlantic, but not the priest, who presumably is now nearer, his God, to Thee.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

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This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.