Thursday, April 10, 2008

Things To Worry About On Thursday
Padlocks for their skirts? / Rob a dry cleaner, get yourself steamed / The devil’s gasoline / Your new fetish for the day: pthirophilia / And more!

Creme de la Weird
Joel Brodsky, 48, Hackensack, N.J., was arrested after he allegedly walked right into Indian Hills High School and asked four kids in the hallway if they could find him a 16- or 17-yr-old girl to have sex with. Oh, yeah, he was claiming to be an ESPN celebrity and was carrying an Eli-Manning-autographed helmet. Oh, yeah, he had his 10-yr-old son alongside.

Civilization in Decline
It’s one thing to be the person who thought up the idea of “dancing” “freestyle” with a dog, but then you have to irritate at least several dogs trying it out (and holding dogs’ paws, like in “regular” dog-dancing, is not allowed!), and then you’re way overboard if you formed Paws2Dance, an “academy” that trains dance-contest “teams” (with emphasis on the human’s outfits and matching dog collars). (Yr Editor reported in 1999 [NOTW 577, 2-26-1999] that something called the World Canine Freestyle Organization had an 8,000-person mailing list.) [NOTWD ombudsman “Buddy”: Chuck, you surely don’t mean that they have competitions, like Dancing with the Stars?] [Ed.: Keep at it, Buddy; you’ll get the hang of this].

The Human Condition Today
There was a house fire in Crystal Lake, Ill., with everyone making it out OK, including three adults who walked out and another adult who had to be rescued, since he had been chained by the neck to a pole in the basement; his official explanation was, Nothing to see here, Move along [Link from] . . . . . Suspicions Confirmed: Yes, Christian fundamentalists do notice that Phillips 66 gas stations symbolize two-thirds of the devil . . . . . Awesome: An Australian driver made it through a suburb of Perth at 203 km/h (122 mph) without hitting a single thing, even though he was arguing with his wife on the phone the whole time . . . . . In crime-intensive Papua New Guinea, one dry cleaner self-helped, by steam-cleaning a robber . . . . . Unclear on the Concept: A high school student in Camden County, N.J., was caught with a hit list (three students, one administrator, and, er, Chuck Norris).

Your Daily Loser
Not Ready for Prime Time: Jake Merfeld, 16, was spotted burglarizing Derdre Rodriguez’s home in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and fled, but Derdre grabbed her ice-scraper, chased him down, and held him for police.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
James Hensley, 32, wanted for failure to register as a sex offender

In the tourist town of Batu, Java (Indonesia), legitimate massage parlors wanted to put some distance between themselves and whorehouses. Solution: Their masseuses will wear little padlocks on their zippers . . . . . Your Daily Schadenfreude: A video outfit made a “handshake” deal with Wal-Mart in the 1970s to shoot promotion/documentary footage, was given free reign of stores and executives, and made 15,000 tapes (many of them, well, awkward) but was unceremoniously fired in 2006, and there ain’t no “ownership” clause in a handshake so, you know, "possession is nine-tenths of the law," and Wal-Mart offered $500k for the tapes, but Flagler Productions said $2 million, or we auction ‘em off. Ta-daaa!

Rev. Phelps and the lesser Phelpses of Westboro Baptist, who are surely the least persuasive advocate group in U.S. history (having publicly attracted to their cause utterly no one outside their extended family), announced they’ll now pick a newly-deceased Marylander at random to vilify, on the ground that God hates the state because it is the site of the first-ever court judgment against them. The picket-ees are two teenage girls who died in an auto crash last weekend.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Yr Editor loves to find new fetishes (even though there’s already, allegedly, a word for this one: pthirophilia). So . . . is genital crab lice a bug or a feature? Why, they could be pets, especially the Japanese crab lice. Here’s more. [UPDATE: Ehhh, this second link doesn't appear to be authentic, or at least the domain owner's going to great links to hide himself.]

NOTW, The Blog
Yr Editor calls two stories from last week to your attention: (1) The U.S. Supreme Court OK’d punishing someone for a “crime” that he was officially acquitted of. Sentencing guidelines allow years to be added to a conviction for Crime A based on behavior engaged in in Crime B even though a jury had just acquitted the defendant of Crime B. Seriously. (2) In the last year, U.S. surgeons have done a couple dozen “natural orifice” gallbladder removals (through the vagina or mouth), and last month did the first vaginal appendectomy (though that might have been done before in, I think, Brazil, as Yr Editor reported last year [NOTW Daily, 4-7-2007]). But someone has to keep an eye on these experimenters because already, last month, there was an appendix-through-the-mouth, and you know damn well some surgeon out there’s already thinking kidney through the anus. (A dangerous “natural orifice consortium” has been formed) (Bonus: The vaginal appendectomy patient’s name is Diana Schlamadinger)

Newsrangers: Emory Kimbrough, Peter Hine, Ginger Katz, Sam Gaines, Pierre Langenegger
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.