Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
Not much, actually (Rule of Thumb: If the news is either so light or so heavy that Yr Editor’s total Xanax intake for Tuesday exceeds 1 mg, readers aren’t seeing a whole lot Wednesday).

Creme de la Weird
Ya gotta fight to get noticed in New York City, which is why Shizuka Bernstein offers the Geisha Facial, with “geisha” in this case having the secondary (or lower) meaning, “bird-poop.” Only $216 for 50 minutes of guana-slathering (though it has theoretically been sterilized, and kabuki dancers have been using it for centuries to wash off make-up). (Customer: “I figure if poop was good for the soil, it’s good for your face.”)

Civilization in Decline
Our Litigious Society says (unfairly, according to the producer of the “Girls Gone Wild” videos) that ex-Gov. Spitzer’s gal gets 2 thousand dollars for going all the way but 10 million dollars for showcasing her chest . . . . . No flirting with chicks in Saudi Arabia, under penalty of . . a forced haircut (in Islam, they say, only women should have the long hair).

The Human Condition Today
All hail the retiring Nebraska state Sen. Ernie Chambers, whose total absence of a Give-A-Sh*t gene makes ol’ James Traficant look like a boring establishmentarian; Chambers only made NOTW once in his 37-yr career. [NOTW Daily, 9-18-2007], where he announced he was suing God for all the “natural”-disaster stuff and implored The Guy (to reduce the costs of serving Him notice of the lawsuit) to “come out, come out, wherever You are.” On Monday, the NY Times gave Chambers a nice prospective send-off . . . . . Most Convoluted Business Plan: Two guys can’t think of any better way to make money than this: Buy a bunch of Domino’s pizzas with a phony check, then put on Pizza Hut shirts and try to sell the pizzas on the street, quickly (while they’re warm), even though the pies are still in Domino’s boxes (Seriously).

Your Daily Loser
Marshall Hugo Grant, 73, would be one of those losers who actually turned winner, in that he had a dispute with a grocery store owner in West Palm Beach, Fla., pulled his gun to settle things, and fired off three rounds, but the owner, who had also pulled a gun and was ready to pump his own hot steel into Grant, said later that Grant had missed so badly on those first three shots that he didn’t think he had anything to worry about. (He was right.)

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Jason Davis, 21, arrested on bomb-threat charges (but he might be “the devil,” he says, even though that in itself is not illegal)

People with Better Sex Lives: senior men in Lo Prado, Chile, where the mayor is thrusting his fingers into the town budget to give ‘em all 4 Viagras a month . . . . . Not exactly “lite,” but this Chicago Tribune report says there’s a split in the fat community about whether “civil rights” for the enlarged is a good thing or an enabling thing . . . . . New, useful definition of the “genetically gifted” super-athlete: A guy who lacks the gene that makes testosterone drip into the urine (meaning, yep, he's home free).

Kasey Kazee, 25, pleaded guilty to robbing a liquor store and faces up to 10 yrs in the slammer; reporting this mundane news gives us another chance to review the perp’s arrest photograph and not-to-be-missed posturing video, which made the big time last August.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

Newsrangers: Paul Blumstein, Ken Vermette, Jeff Berg, Jessica McRorie, Mark Neunder
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.