Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
The World’s Most Optimistic Man / Another annual Japanese Schlongfest / That cursed beating heart / The greater threat—al Qaeda or gangs of American kids? / And more!

Creme de la Weird
Behold Ms. Amity Joy Doss, 24 (and not bad), who tried to impose some free-lance discipline on a rude McDonald’s order-taker; then, while the manager called the police, Amity climbed a nearby tree (naturally!) and hung upside down from it before sprawling out on the hood of her car [NOTWD Ombudsman (“Buddy”): Chuck, this doesn’t make sense] [Ed.: You're new on the job, Buddy]

Civilization in Decline
Kids! If it’s not third-graders making an elaborate threat to off their teacher, it’s a bunch of teenagers viciously beating up a girl just for YouTube/MySpace content (“MySpace is the anti-Christ for children,” said the victim’s dad) . . . . . Hard Job: Tourism minister of India’s Kashmir region, hoping to set up a world-class golfing destination, downplaying the civilian war fatalities (only 164 last year!) (it's India vs. rebels backed by Pakistan) and despite the fact that the main resort is a short distance from the front line (often described as the number-one-likely place in the world where nuclear war could break out, since both sides have da bom) . . . . . The upscale Lebua Hotel in Bangkok, which last yr hosted a $25k/person dinner for rich people [NOTW 996, 3-11-2007], set up another last Saturday, not quite so fancy but this time free, provided that the diners agree to a stop-off at a horrific slum in northeast Thailand, where they tsk-tsk-tsk’d for four hours before returning to the Lebua for truffles (Yummm!) . . . . . Fine Point of Sharia, says the Islamic Fiqh Academy of India: No health insurance; that’s gambling . . . . . Can’t Possibly Be True: 8-yr-old kid suspended for one day (down from 3) for sniffing the ink from a Sharpie smudge on his shirt—Zero Tolerance, you know? (“It smelled good,” the young fella said) . . . . . Kinder, Gentler: The District of Calamity police chief said enforcement of the D.C. handgun law [brief summary of the law: No, you can’t have one, No!] will continue, but searches of private homes will be by appointment (Seriously) . . . . . “Get out of that seat . ..! You have no right to be here! We believe in something [and you don’t]!”; so said a state legislator from Chicago to an atheist at a committee hearing [LINK CORRECTED] . . . . . At least that atheist kept his clothes on, but a widow in Dhanbad, India, didn’t after she was caught inside a temple, since elders said a widow “has no right to enter a temple,” and as punishment, she was paraded naked through the village . . . . . In an apparent race to see who can best turn The Last Supper into a San Francisco bath house, in comes renowned Austrian artist Alfred Hrdlicka, with the self-described “homosexual orgy” among the disciples (an altogether different piece than Terence Koh’s statue of 74 plaster figures, many of the men in which, including Jesus, have John Holmes-size erections [NOTW Daily, 1-14-2008]). (Bonus: Hrdlicka’s work was originally OK’d by the Archbishop of Vienna, though the signature piece is down now).

The Human Condition Today
Who says public defenders are always overmatched in court? Guy named Ethan Levi in Hillsboro, Ore., got his client acquitted after he was found hiding in a woman’s bedroom closet while dressed in negligee, miniskirt, and wig (They had a year to think up a defense, which was that he was just in the wrong woman’s apartment, and, well, OK, then, the jury said) . . . . . A South Korean burglar, trying to be Tom Cruise in the first Mission: Impossible, lowered himself from the ceiling to take jewelry from a case but screwed up anyway and tripped the alarm . . . . . Johnny Depp famously had “Winona Forever,” but that’s nothing: Greg Newey had his 26-word marriage proposal tattooed on his belly (after 6 months’ courtship); fortunately, she said Yes, but still– . . . . . Mom: “I’m of a mind to send you to military school”; Kid: “Hello, police? Mom’s growing dope in the basement” . . . . . Not sure whether it’s just an F State phenomenon, but an Orlando Sentinel reporter believes people making capuchin monkeys baby-substitutes are getting out of control (It’s all about dressing them up, said one owner; “Believe me when I tell you that if people could get their cats in outfits, a lot of those cats would be wearing outfits”) . . . . . One of those Japanese fertility festivals just thrust itself into the news, in Kawasaki; the Kanamura Matsuri is sort of a catch-all for sexual hopes: prevention of STD’s, increased marital harmony, even easier childbirth (yep, there's a display of the holy erection, the large holy erection) . . . . . Headline: Ex-Marine accidentally shot in neck by 9-yr-old son (Backstory: Dozens of unsecured guns, thousands of bullets around the house, even in the son’s room, and each room had been peppered with bullet holes) . . . . . Ben Saunders, 30, who reportedly trained for 7 yrs for this mission, to walk—walk—the last 460 miles to the North Pole, had to abort about 13 percent into it . . because, well, he hadn’t planned on this much ice.

Your Daily Loser
Actually, Michael Petro of Gulfport, Miss., hasn’t lost yet; he may have the last laugh. He was wiped out by Katrina and is now making a sad plea for help because he has been trying to rebuild, but the gov’t didn’t come through, the private agencies didn’t come through, and now the housing economy’s in the tank, and there’s the plea right there on YouTube. (Backstory: He’s a stockbroker; the wiped-out house was 2500 sq ft; the one he’s part-way through now is 6,000 sq ft.) [story has link to his video, supposedly]

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
John Hartley, 65, says he’s still in the race for San Diego City Council despite his no-contest plea Monday based on a recent episode, in his truck, of masturbating (and urinating into a cup) in a residential ‘hood.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Allan Dwayne Schoenborn, 40, prime suspect in the deaths of his three kids

Punchline-Friendly News: A girl in India was born with two faces [Ed. What office is she running for, bada-boom-ba!] [Buddy: They just read ya for news, Chuck] She eats with one mouth and sucks her thumb with the other (seriously), and, of course, the locals believe she is a deity . . . . . A Muslim restaurateur in Scotland got to keep his driver's license despite a serious speeding ticket, by convincing the judge that he needed to drive, and drive fast, to have quality time with his two wives in different cities . . . . . Celine Dion (“My Heart Will Go On”) had nothing on the late Mr. Terry Cottle, who killed himself, but his heart went on, over to donee Sonny Graham, and now, 12 yrs later, Graham has killed himself, too; could it be? (Bonus: Superseding factor, underplayed in news reports: Both suiciders were married to a woman named Cheryl Cottle Graham, who’s apparently nobody to mess with).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Yet something else Yr Editor doesn’t understand at all (which makes it ideal for this space): someone really, really fascinated by, uh, opera gloves.

NOTW, The Blog
(1) Staleness quotient for NOTW Daily is still within 3 days, but I’ve been off, so a couple of these today are older. (2) What have I learned in the last 10 days? (a) I have to do this column every day, even if some days it’s not very good. (Half of those not-good days will be because the news wasn’t good, the other half because I wasn’t good. I gotta face up to that.) (b) I’d like to have some more clicks to justify my existence. Can y’all help me out? NOTW Daily is one of those few things on the Internet really professionally done (usually, that is) but at utterly no cost to you, i.e., no fee, no ads, no collection of data by advertisers. Please, can ya find it in your heart to help me get clicks? Thankyavermuch.

Newsrangers: Jerry Whittle, Larry Ellis Reed, Mark Rowan, Steve Davies, Ginger Katz, Jerry Williamson, Bob Pert, John Wriedt, Joe Littrell, Bruce Alter, Kevin Key
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.