Monday, May 12, 2008

Monday’s Creme de la Weird
There were some arrests a few yrs ago around Tyler, Tex., for a little number they liked to call the Mineola Swingers’ Club, and Yr Editor completely missed it, asleep at the wheel, but now the trials are underway. Four grown-ups (maybe others) taught kids (up to age 10) to give full sexual performances. What’s even more confusing about this (more than, WTF?) is that the first two adults actually chose to go to trial on this, before a jury, in east Texas. (Jury “deliberation”: 4 minutes each!) (Bonus: still ahead is the trial of “Booger Red” Kelly)

Civilization in Decline
Super-Progressive Greens: (1) In Estonia, of all places, they boldly tax farmers on their flatulence, er, well, you know what I mean, and (2) It’s legal now only in MN and NH, two states that offer not only burial and cremation, but the dissolve-and-flush method of eternal disposal . . . . . Speaking of cremation, the Pentagon announced it would no longer use the services of a certain Delaware crematorium that does pets in an adjacent facility (though “they say” there was never any commingling) . . . . . “Kids Who Skip School in Baltimore Likely to Be Shot” (well, a lot likelier than if you stay in class) . . . . . From the Washington Post: “At crime scenes, FBI and ATF (Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco Firearms and Explosives) agents have threatened to arrest one another and battled over jurisdiction and key evidence. The ATF inadvertently bought counterfeit cigarettes from the FBI–the gov’t selling to the gov’t–because the agencies are running parallel investigations of tobacco smuggling.” (Bonus: Both agencies have the same boss [the Att’y Gen’l]) . . . . . Another British judge sympathetic to an adult railroaded into sex by a hussy 11-yr-old . . . . . Most depressing news: You can make a half-million bucks a yr with a website devoted to helping moms dress their toddlers in the same outfits stars dress their toddlers in.

The Human Condition Today
There was another woman-left-on-toilet story, in Wisconsin, unlike the Kansas one, in that this time she was dead, but this one involved an apparent two-person religion, with the “bishop” telling the “nun” to just leave her there on the throne because God had told him He’d bring her back . . . . . And how, exactly, do so many musicians manage to misplace their ultra-expensive instruments [story has links to examples] . . . . . People Whose Vote in November Counts as Much as Yours: 16 people in South Carolina are under rabies quarantine, some of whom got that way for kissing a [he’s so adorable yes he is] raccoon . . . . . “I am so stupid. This is what I get for trying to run from the police,” said the man, as doctors carefully removed the cactus spikes from all over his body (Bonus: pretty good mug shot, too).

Your Daily Loser
Ishak Boutros, 31, had a doctored-up, “winning” New Jersey scratch-off ticket, which they weren’t stupid enough to accept at the deli or the gas station, so he figured he’d try . . the state Lottery Commission.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Lavon Rowells, who must be presumed innocent of grossly ignoring his toddlers (“When you play video games, you get focused on that”)

Sounds Like a Joke: Herve Phillippe, a biochemistry professor at the Universite de Montreal, concluded that while the average American produces 20 tons of carbon dioxide a yr, he, being a researcher, produces 44 [and back in Yr Editor’s professoring day, whoa, baby, that’s what we needed: a green reason to be lazy] . . . . . A woman outsmarted her laptop’s alleged thief, Edmon Shahikian, by logging into it remotely and taking a picture of him.

The F State
You will address me as “reverend,” and you will not refer to it as “marijuana”; it’s “cannabis,” and it is “the holy sacrament,” the “tree of life,” the “oil” that will nourish you so that “you will need no other food.” That would be Steven Swalick, not very contrite about being busted with 100 plants in Palm Bay.

Kansas’s Creekstone Farms is still fighting the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture over its policy to test all its animals for mad-cow [NOTW 850, 5-23-2004]. USDA says that’s too expensive; Creekstone says, no problem; USDA says, Yeah, but that’ll show up Big Agriculture, which doesn’t want to do it; Creekstone says, Yeah, but it’ll help us sell meat to Japan, because they don’t trust U.S. Big Ag. It’s now before the Court of Appeals for decision.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
The Mark of the [whip’s] Lash, “dedicated to those who wear their stripes with pride”

Newsrangers: Raul Stone-Cousley, Karl Olson, Justin Warner, Mark Whybird, Scott Langill, Matt Mirapaul, Mindy Cohen, Mark Neunder, Paul Di Filippo, Paul Music, Kathryn Wood, Jan Wolitzky, Steve Miller, James Wicht
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.