Friday, May 02, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
The one perfect gov’t agency / Other ways to tell girls from boys / No wedgies allowed in this town / Several potential weird-news records set / And more!

Creme de la Weird
Minnesota may be “Minnesota nice” and loaded with virtue, but its child-abuse tolerance is troubling: In Red Wing, they proudly held a contest for the toddler with the best mullet, and here’s your 3-yr-old winner.

Civilization in Decline
Damn those consequences where people adopt an iron principle out of narrow-minded conviction, only later to discover that maybe flexibility would’ve been better: One of America’s very-bravest-of-all-time soldiers gets sent home just because she’s a girl . . . . . [Ed.: Barry Scheck and Peter Neufeld were vilified members of the O.J. Simpson defense team in 1995 but in reality are two of the extraordinarily important Americans of this generation, and here’s yet more evidence of that:] James Lee Woodard was freed after 27 yrs in prison because DNA evidence says someone else committed the rape/murder; it’s the 18th DNA reversal in Dallas County, Tex., number 34 in Texas, and the state’s judges and prosecutors have scheduled a meeting on how to rid themselves of this pesky denial they’re in . . . . . At last, a perfectly-performing gov’t agency, and, wow, it’s a big-city police department! (At least, anyway, LAPD says it found itself not guilty in 320 out of 320 racial-profiling complaints last year) . . . . . The just-voted-out gov’t in Italy flipped a finger at the people by (in the name of “gov’t transparency”) making everybody’s tax records public (Seriously).

The Human Condition Today
A genuine, qualitative behavioral distinction between males and females: No men’s baseball team would ever put up with a stunt like this! . . . . . [Reader alert / Emerging news site / Not yet wholly vetted] A female legislator in Ecuador introduced a gender-equality bill that “they say” even gives women the right to sue their old men for lack of sexual satisfaction . . . . . Two record-setters (or if not, nearly so): (1) This is probably the most disgustingly-kept home in the F State, e.g., “The toilet bowl was filled with human feces and female hygiene products and was in reach of the child” [and do not even consider skipping the slide show above the mom's photo!] . . . . . And (2) This might be the greatest distance driven by a horny woman to have sex with young meat, from Albany, N.Y., to near Eau Claire, Wis. . . . . . And this could be a record, too: A frail 84-yr-old wife got trapped under her heavier (and dead) 77-yr-old husband, for, er, four days, until an alert newspaper carrier happened by [Obligatory reference to the 1984 San Francisco night club incident] . . . . . Love that police lingo: When Rosendo Duenas was booked in Arizona after hitting cars in 10 separate collisions on his way home Saturday evening, police charged him with “suspicion” of DUI.

Your Daily Loser
Charles Ray Fuller Jr., 21, apparently remained earnestly in character as he asked the Chase Bank teller in Fort Worth, Tex., to please cash the check he was presenting, which was for $360,000,000,000.00.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Gustavo Palmas Reyes, 42, actually not a mug-shot but a mug-daguerreotype, accused of various stuff making him a candidate for OC Weekly’s Citizen of the Week

Police spokesman in North Platte, Neb.: “You might get away with that in Lincoln or Omaha, but we’re not going to allow wedgies in North Platte” . . . . . A bar in Baltimore with bacon-flavored vodka (and from the UK, also for your drinking pleasure, award-winning chocolate wine) . . . . . A new product intro from the K-Y people: ya got yer special male lube, and ya got yer special female lube, and ya almost don’t want to be there when they rub together because it’ll be so-o-o-o-o good . . . . . Knut, the cute baby bear being zoo-raised in Berlin (against the better judgments of many bear experts) has now become, according to a sympathetic zoologist, “a psychopath addicted to human attention” [Ed. like Paris Hilton or Cindy Sheehan?] [NOTW Daily ombudsman Buddy: Chuck . . I don’t want to have to tell you again . . stick to the news] . . . . . Readers’ Choice: The people of the Greek island of Lesbos call themselves you-know-whats, and though they support, y’know, alternative lifestyles, they’re looking to the courts to ban gays’ use of the term in Greece.

The F State
An advance in teacher-pupil sex: Call it the “2-person field trip” . . . . . An advance in inventory management: Restaurant stockpiles bread in the bathroom . . . . . A tree trimmer found a corpse hanging from one, obscured by underbrush, only a few feet away from a neighbor’s swimming pool, and no one had noticed the smell for, er, a year

Gil Duff trespassed drunk again, third time in nine days (If he were in Arizona, they’d have a “suspicion” that he has a problem) . . . . . Judge Donald Thompson was released from prison a little early; he’s the guy who kept having to whip his willy so bad that he couldn’t even wait for courtroom recesses to get back to his private office (with a Doc Johnson-style pump) [NOTW 858, 7-18-04]

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe Monday.™

NOTW, The Blog
Since it’s only fair, if Yr Editor is off on a busy day, that he puts in comp time on a non-work day. Consequently, I’ll catch up on everything with a rare Saturday post tomorrow. Be there!

Newsrangers: Eric Gibbs, Caroline Lawler, Thomas Sullivan, Peter Hine, Jason Tuller, Bob Pert, Thomas Steman, Bobby Straka, Kurt Knochel, Zach Chaney, Jerry Whittle
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.