Monday, May 05, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
The Guantanamo Bay resort / The constitution-protected dignity of plants / Woman needs $1, badly / People act up in Kitsap County, Wash., again / And more!

Creme de la Weird
Martin Turner pleaded to four counts of harassment in Blackpool, England, owing to his love of having workmen wearing big boots walk on him, having phoned and texted them way too incessantly to come stand on his face and his stuff. His lawyer tried to say that big, tough guys couldn’t be too upset at something like this, but still . . ..

Civilization in Decline
Whew! Not just Americans! In Austria, too, the tacky, downscale gawkers are lining up in droves, in this case outside the Fritzl family hearth in Amstetten to get a glimpse of the building where Josef kept his daughter in the cellar for 24 yrs.

The Human Condition Today
Jessica Vasquez, 19, beat the crap out of an 81-yr-old woman who allegedly cut her off in traffic, but according to Jessica, it was self-defense pummeling . . . . . No longer with us: Professor of molecular and cell biology and licensed pilot, but no good at checking the gas gauge on his plane (whose tank ran dry 10 minutes after take-off) . . . . . Great photo shoot from the Sydney Morning Herald [via Fark.com]: top photo of the A$400k Ferrari ripped apart in the collision; underneath, the driver/son on the phone at the scene, presumably breaking the news to the owner/dad . . . . . No photos of this one: The skateboarder who apparently raced the train to the crossing near St. Louis.

Your Daily Loser
Two drug-store shoplifters make a break for it and precipitate a frantic police chase by commandeering the nearest vehicle (but it’s a Good Humor ice cream truck).

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Your (almost daily) Kitsap County, Wash., Police Blotter: She’s stink-faced. She wakes her husband up for sex. He all of a sudden turns “good Christian” on her and says, from now on, no more smoking, drinking, swearing, or kinky sex. She severely disturbs the peace.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Angelique Vandeberg, 28 (and this is a good test because it’s a she said/she said with her daughter, and the question is, Does Angelique look like the kind of gal who would shoot her own daughter in the leg with a B-B gun just to win $1 from her boyfriend? I ask you . . .)

NOTW Lite
Evidently there’s a Guantanamo Bay "resort," where people can enjoy a cheap, beachside R&R at $42 a night (as long as you’re not an enemy combatant, of course); “[V]isitors can windsurf, take boat trips, and go fishing for grouper” and buy cute t-shirts and coffee mugs at the souvenir shop [Ed.: Warning! The (London) Daily Mail reporter on this thing is quite hostile to the concept. Imagine.] . . . . . Perfect storm, gerontologically speaking: You’re sick, you’re old, your memory’s shot (including your recollection that no way could that document you signed a while back have said pull the plug).

The F State
Say hello to my leetle friend the Taser, no, no, my leetle friend the pink-painted rifle, or the other stuff Miami banger Manuel Balbin used to torture a colleague he thought stole his PS2 (Bonus: Balbin works blood for a living, as a phlebotomist, and furthermore, his street name is “Insane”) . . . . . Palm Beach cop Molly Olson definitely does not get her job back, even after a formal hearing, because of that video thing where she druggily denied the obvious a couple of times, and also relevant maybe was the fact that she had showed up for roll call that day wearing pink flip-flops.

Updates
Here’s more information on the Swiss constitution’s fascination with vegetation rights that Yr Editor tipped you to [NOTW Daily, 4-15-2008]: Humans can’t claim “absolute” ownership of plants; plants have dignity and “inherent worth,” watch what you’re stepping on, etc. . . . . . Last year [NOTW M013, 7-8-2007], Yr Editor reported on Australia-based artists grossed out by killing cows for leather and so want to make everybody happy by growing leather from cells in the lab:
University of Western Australia artists Oron Catts and Ionat Zurr blend art with science, extracting living cells from animals and growing them on top of biodegradable scaffolds so that when the scaffolds disappear, a living entity remains, in the shape of the scaffold. At the Israeli Center for Digital Art in Holon, Israel, in April [2007], they unveiled “Victimless Leather,” or actual animal skin cells that grew into leather without harming an animal, but their previous work has included growing steak from lamb muscle cells and the preparation for growing wings on a pig (though, in the final stage of that project, they were turned down by the exhibitor, who was apparently grossed out).
Well, their Victimless Leather thing, showing at the Museum of Modern Art in New York, just, er, died. Said a MoMA curator, “I’ve always been pro-choice and all of a sudden I’m here not sleeping at night about killing a coat.”

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe tomorrow.™

Newsrangers: Emory Kimbrough, Mike Mendenhall, Larry Ellis Reed, Michael Zierdt, Paul Music, Gary Davidson, David Swanson
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.