Things To Worry About On Saturday
Various sexually dysfunctional animals, and various victims of the iron laws of irony, and various doomsday scenarios, but other than that . . .
Creme de la Weird
A French literary renaissance this week! A Dr. Saldmann let rip with a health-centered book advising readers to maximize their bodily emissions, no matter how bad that makes the French look, and now comes the mom of mother-hating novelist Michel Houellenbecq (an iconoclast who has written naughtily about everyone therapeutically nailing everyone else), who returns fire with her own book (rough translation of the two-word title: “It’s All Your Fault, You Miserable Suck”) and adds that she’ll “knock his teeth out” with her walking stick.
Civilization in Decline
An F State TV station placed an actress, age 8, on a bench at the front door of a popular mall, alongside a made-up poster of the girl as “missing,” to see if anyone would help; answer: 2 (with the few who claimed to have noticed admitting later they were afraid of being foolishly wrong, or of being arrested or sued) . . . . . The U.S. gov’t will evidently devote a few days’ equivalent of Iraq money toward the distraction of having to feed the world’s hungry for the whole year, i.e., the amount of blood money the U.S. has to pay starving people not to start wars will go up as food becomes more expensive . . . . . The New Jihad 2.0: Two former self-described Islamic terrorists picked up $10k with a public speech at Univ. Of Colorado this week, “Why We Want to Kill You” (helpful hint: “Terrorism starts politically, financially, then it goes to blowing up themselves. Terrorism is like drug addiction. . . . Wake up and smell the hummus.")
The Human Condition Today
Another breakaway religious cult is in play in the Southwest (ex-Seven Day Adventist), the Lord of Our Righteous Church, indignant that anyone would accuse them of sex with children (whom they refer to as “seed”); they got one thing wrong (their doomsday of 10-31-2007) and one thing right (“the media” are all screwed up), and you can learn more on the Nat’l Geographic Channel on May 7 (“Inside a Cult”) . . . . . Nancy Warren has decided that she’s not getting sidetracked from her all-out, no-holds-barred feud with her neighbor just because she’s an elected member of the New Hampshire House of Representatives . . . . . And Mike Krusee decided Wednesday that he was gonna drive home sh*tfaced even though it was his legislation that upped the DUI fines (when he was [and still is, by the way] a member of the Texas House) . . . . . An extremely hard-to-satisfy municipal bureaucrat in Japan was suspended, being caught porn-browsing three hours every day for three months (780,000 images) . . . . . Jeff Peckman is mighty worried that “if you’re driving down the highway and you saw a crash of a small spaceship and a car or bus full of kids, you really wouldn’t know what to do. Do you wait for the hazardous materials experts to show up because of potential contaminants from another solar system?” (Peckman, 54, who “is single and lives with his parents,” has persuaded the Denver City Council to discuss the problem) . . . . . The helpless, Hawking-like Michael Phillips of Tampa will be featured on This American Life on Showtime tomorrow because he’s a feisty character despite his immobility; he needs 60/24/7 care but is annoyed that his mother controls his life, and he’s considering reconciling with the newspaper reporter who romanced him but whom he “dumped” . . . . . Tony Zirkle, running for Congress from Indiana, sports a resumé with Georgetown, the Naval Academy, and prosecuting attorney, but then his platform is to halt the genocide against whites, especially that committed by “a small army of black male porn stars” who cycle through “five, ten, fifteen thousand [white] women.”
Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Angela Csader, 25, one of those teacher-pupil sex things
Not much going on in zoology these days so a major journal reported extensively on an Antarctic seal trying to rape a penguin (and captured on video), even though the seal had, y’know, E.D. and couldn’t go the distance (in fact showing less palpable excitement than that of the zoologists, who sound orgasmic at having witnessed a rare interspecies mating attempt) . . . . . And speaking of which, the Japanese owners of the 2002 Kentucky Derby winner War Emblem, who paid the big bucks for something beyond a nice riding horse, are dismayed that he may be suffering from some, y’know, sexual-identity confusion, since he is quite picky about mares and apparently gulps Viagra like Tic Tacs.
As you readers might have predicted, another day passed, and indeed, Gil Duff was arrested again, number 4 in 9 days; NOTW Daily’s Duff-tracker, Kurt Knochel, says he’s not sending me another report until Duff hits double figures . . . . . Another fact about our man Josef Fritzl (the Austrian cellar kidnaping father): His elaborate basement structure (depicted in this Daily Mail story) was built using gov’t nuclear-shelter money handed out in the 1970s.
Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe Monday.™
Newsrangers: Steve Miller, Stefan Palys, Mark Neunder, Karl Olson, Todd Grandstaff, John Holsinger, Pete Randall, Emory Kimbrough, Paul Di Filippo, Dvora Mathews, Carl Heine, Joel Curtis
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.