Monday, July 07, 2008

NOTE: Stop the presses! Yr Editor is moving this-here base of operation. Read all about it below, in NOTW, The Blog

Monday’s Creme de la Weird

There are spas for everything in New York City, including this one specializing in hoo-hahs
A female gyno is set to open a “pelvic fitness” center whose signature service is tightening vaginal walls, but also offering other “pelvic health” integrations. Said another gyno, “The common practice in gynecology is we treat where there is a problem. It’ll be interesting to see if there are people who actually request these services.” New York Times // ThePerfectPhit.com

The $2,500 banana
Artist Michael Fernandes opened his, uh, installation on the street in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and offered it for sale when the show’s over. It’s a banana. Actually, a different banana each day. In progressively unripened states. Just lying on the sidewalk. But since he eats each one at the end of the day, what would the buyer get for $2,500? Answer: “The concept.” (Bonus: He has two takers so far.) The Globe and Mail

The most patriotic American of ‘em all
Immigrant Sam Bloomfield loves America even more than you love Ben & Jerry’s. He’s tattooed his face red, white, and blue, and under his left eye “God Bless America,” under his right “Land of the Free.” And those are just for starters. Seattle Post-Intelligencer

If you gave to a charity, like for missing kids, the only kids you just helped were the fundraising company’s employees’ kids
The Los Angeles Times did a major takedown yesterday of charities’ fundraising expenses, and it turns out that when they hire a company to do it, around 85 cents of the dollar (and often more than that) stays by contract with the fundraiser. In a few cases, there’s a negative return. (Yup, you give $100; the fundraiser keeps it all and charges the charity a fee, and all the charity gets is the name and address of the suck–uh . . contributor.) Los Angeles Times

Mommy’s little Lolita
A BBC documentary next week will chronicle unrequited model Jayne Pennington, 31, in her efforts to tart up her pre-pube daughter Sasha, 11, who has run herself out of child-modeling jobs because she no longer looks like a child, thanks to $600-a-month glamour treatments. But Sasha seems to “get it,” after all. How do you see yourself, she was asked by the interviewer. “Blonde, pretty, dumb. I don’t need brains.” (Mom “laughed her head off at this.”) Daily Mail [plenty of glamour shots of both babes]

Seniors who confuse the gas pedal and the brake, version 2.0
He was 75, swerved out of control in Niles, Ill., hit two kids, a man, and an elderly woman, and then, afterward, of course was clueless how it happened except that it was some sort of vehicle malfunction. Version 2.0: He’s a Shriner and was driving a go-cart in a parade. Chicago Sun-Times

Wannabe-Pundit Astrologers Handicap the Presidential Race
Seven of ‘em predicted Obama’s moon rising, “citing Saturn’s opposition to Uranus on Election Day as a celestial occurrence that pits a stodgy planet against one of rebellion, resulting in transformation and social upheaval,” reported ABC News. Others say the game will be changing drastically in August because there’ll be two eclipses, which will signal new directions for Hillary Clinton and Mayor Bloomberg (because his February birthday is the calendar opposite of one of the eclipse days). ABC News

Maryland Corrections Department (ROTFL)
A heavily-fortified van showed up to transport prisoners from jail to court, but one inmate was brought to the pickup point late, and a mixup in orders had him hopping into an ordinary Corrections van. No cage in back, no siren, no gun, no cuffs, no radio, no cell phone. Not surprisingly, at the first traffic light, he opened the door and climbed out, and they haven’t seen him since. Said the judge: “If I were a young enterprising criminal, I’d come to Baltimore to set up my practice. This is the place to be. This is the Promised Land.” Baltimore Sun

Update: Susan Sykes, the stripper with 40-lb. gazongas, returned to the zeitgeist by auditioning for America’s Got Talent (her art: crushing beer cans by you-know-what method)
In 1997, a strip-club customer named Bennie Casson sued Sykes (aka Busty Heart) for too much audience-performer interaction, i.e., she repeatedly slammed her sofa bolsters against his head, aggravating an old neck injury (but he eventually dropped the lawsuit and two yrs later, took The Only Way Out). In the latest episode, AGT judges Sharon Obsourne, Piers Morgan, and David Hasselhoff said, No thanks. Daily Mail (London) // NOTW 495 (8-1-1997), NOTW 577 (2-26-1999)

Update: The composition As Slow As Possible is progressing, um, slowly
They moved on to a new chord (the 6th, in 5 yrs) of John Cage’s composition, which is being “played,” or maybe just “dwelt on,” in Halberstadt, Germany. The sound of the chord will continue, probably for months, before the organ goes to number 7, and the whole thing will wrap up in the year 2640. Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News // NOTW 785 (2-23-2003)

Update: That solid-gold bathroom in Hong Kong is, not surprisingly, being melted down
Jeweler Lam Sai-wing built the monument to excess when gold was $200-something an ounce, but now it’s more than 4x that, so piece by piece, he’s cashing out, except for the toilet (24-karat, fully functional, flushing toilet). “I don’t care if gold hits $10,000 an ounce. I’m not melting [that] down.” Wall Street Journal // NOTW 695 (6-3-2001)

The Human Condition Today
Hey, I may be a petty thief, he said, but we can’t let the terrorists win (so when he broke into a van, and saw gas cans, devices with wires, etc., he called the police, and lucky he did) . . . . . Poplar Bluff, Mo., police are looking for the guy who stuck a gun in Mr. Heath Chandler’s belly and demanded money, and when Chandler handed over his $25, the guy took it, gave him a big hug, and left . . . . . Woo, is James K. Pope ever a bad guy! (He was just sentenced, for sexual assault on two teenage girls, to, um, 4,060 consecutive yrs in prison, meaning his countdown calendar will be set to the year 3209 (A.D.) . . . . Like in the movies: Phillip Boucher floored his Buick LeSabre and tried to jump the rising drawbridge in St. Catharines, Ontario, and he almost made it [and I guess you know what that means].

Your Daily Loser
Lamont Cook, 22, Mr. Tough Guy. On the lam around Philadelphia for several violent crimes, he was arrested about 4 a.m. Thursday . . and promptly peed in his pants. Philadelphia Daily News

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Aussie Rodney McLagan, 48, indignantly told police that the only reason he had child porn was that it was incidentally acquired when he was busy downloading bestiality porn (including that stuff showing sex with .. an octopus). The Mercury

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
And Paul Franke, 43, indignantly told police that the only reason he had child porn on his computer was curiosity about how easy it was to get. (Answer: really easy, and he says he’s quite upset about that!) MetroWest Daily News

NOTW Lite
In one village in India, the gov’t’s giving people $1 a month to take dumps in a toilet, to keep streets clean . . . . . Reuters profiles a couple in Portugal who are the last of the world’s great ceramic-penis artists.

NOTW, The Blog
(1) Listen up. I have partnered with two other esteemed weirdo writers (Alex Boese, proprietor of MuseumofHoaxes.com, and Paul DiFilippo, renowned sci-fi writer (The Steampunk Trilogy), to form a full-service, 24/7, all-things-bizarre blog, launching on Wednesday, July 9th. We don’t quite have it ready yet, but I’ll give out the address starting tomorrow. We will blast off on Wednesday, and you’ll have to go there every day, six days a week, to read Chuck’s Hand-Picked Overnight Weird News. (Tomorrow, though, I’ll still be right here.) (2) My main task on the new blog is to do the same thing I’ve been doing here for two years, except, y’know, more seriously. (NOTW Daily will remain up, but inactive.) Since my pals are going all-out, I have to, also. Dazzling, nicely packaged, easy on the eyes, a must-read for those who realize that you need to keep an eye on . . those other people. We can help. (3) Just one problem: Those of you who get NOTW Daily by e-mail from Google Groups may not get them for a few days starting Wednesday. And then on the other hand, you may get ‘em just fine. Depends on the gods. If you don’t get yours on Wednesday, pleeeeze come to the new blog and read it, or subscribe to the RSS feed. (I’ll give ya the address tomorrow!) ‘Ta

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This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.