Monday, March 31, 2008

NOTE: Ladies and Gentlemen, Yr Editor regrets to inform you that he must take a few days off, starting, er, now. To keep me insinuated in y’all’s hearts and minds, though, I will dutifully post a Gone-Fishin’ message on NOTW Daily on Wednesday and Friday (and probably next Monday and Wednesday, too). If you have news tips, please continue to send them, as I will more-or-less be at work during this hiatus, although somewhat “less” at work than “more” at work. The weekly News of the Weird will appear next Sunday as scheduled. Nothing major going on here, except that sometimes, web-loggers need to shut down for a bit just to prove to our therapists that we're not as compulsive as they think we are. Cheers.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
Cage-fighting 6-year-olds / Making their way onto TSA’s agenda: travelers’ nipple rings / The man’s been a wreck ever since Bigfoot molested him / The cigarette-puffing tortoise / And more!

Civilization in Decline
The AP found an “ultimate fighting” club in Carthage, Mo., with 11 kids ages 6-14 (including a girl) that couldn’t be prouder to live in the only state that lets kids be cage fighters . . . . . Transportation Security Administration officials say, no, they don’t have an official policy on travelers wearing nipple rings, but a woman in Los Angeles said she was given the choice of no-fly or removing them with a TSA-supplied pair of pliers . . . . . The NY Times yesterday revealed that a 22-yr-old CEO of a Pentagon contractor, operating out of a nondescript Miami Beach office, has done over $300m worth of business providing munitions for the Afghanistan gov’t, representing a humongous profit because nearly all the munitions were old, expired, obsolete relics discarded by other countries, and furthermore, some were from China, which would be illegal, and of course, the Pentagon was all shoulder shrugs about it until Times reporters came along (Bonus: CEO was carrying a forged driver’s license and had a domestic stayaway order against him) . . . . . Berlin Zoo came under fire because exotic animals seem to vanish without a trace, and a Green Party pol said it’s because the Zoo had become overpopulated (to increase attendance, since the public loves cute little critters) and is now forced to sell surplus to abattoirs and researchers.

The Human Condition Today
Let’s get those state test scores up, said the Texas principal to the teachers, grimly, or else “I will kill you all and kill myself” . . . . . Officials in Australia’s Queensland state are finding it difficult to explain to the defendant all of his legal rights because he insists he’s God and doesn’t need them . . . . . The plodding, methodical Derick Berry, 52, was subdued and arrested after calmly running bathwater for his wife, announcing (in answer to her question) that he was going to drown her (Bonus: This all took place in her hospital room) . . . . . Tacky: Missouri suspended one lawyer’s license (and two more are in the balance) over bribery and lying to federal investigators over [drum roll!] a Terry Bradshaw autograph (Bonus: It was his autograph on a baseball) . . . . . Gene Morrill, 57, trying to save himself from a lengthy prison term for soliciting boys for sex, played the Bigfoot card, i.e., Sasquatch is the one that started me down this road to ruin . . . . . One store on which you ought not try to skip out on the bill: a portrait studio . . . . . Driving into post offices is apparently Glenn Sparling’s thing, this time the one in Ravenden Springs, Ark. . . . . . And this report out of Bellingham, Wash., where a building belonging to Georgia-Pacific Corp. was being demolished, but then caught fire, and the Bellingham Fire Dept. came and put it out.

Your Daily Loser
Zachary Booso, 19, shot in the cheek, shoulder, and thigh by gangbang—oops, make that, shot himself in the cheek, shoulder, and thigh, because he wanted his friends and ex-girlfriend to think he was mixed up in gangs.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Art Price, Jr., 40, Bellevue, Ohio, at least knows he has a problem, but he can’t stop himself from getting captured on video four times by grossed-out neighbors as he walked naked into his back yard, hopped onto a metal table, and humped it. (But he cleaned the deck underneath each time!)

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Gary Weaver, 41, charged this week on a warrant for theft from 1990 (Bonus: Because of a couple of quirks of Ohio law at the time, his bond for the $21 theft was, er, $1 million)

NOTW Lite
Finally, a second good use of hydrogen sulfide (“rotten-egg”) (beyond vandalism to get a day off from school): It can induce a safer coma-like-state to allow major trauma injuries to stabilize (in low concentrations, researchers emphasize) . . . . . Agence France-Presse has located a man in the Chinese province of Jilin who has a tortoise that can puff through a cigarette in four minutes . . . . . Some Afghan Taliban officials said maybe, well, they shouldn’t ought to blow up any more cell-phone towers because they've learned that, of all things, not getting a cell-phone signal gets people really mad.

Updates
Since NOTW Daily posted the link on Monday [3-24-2008] to the Advocate article by the “pregnant husband,” other media have piled onto the story, including Britain’s Guardian, which reported that (1) Advocate’s editor said the man’s doctor [Ed.: Gynecologist? I guess so] had been contacted and had verified the story but (2) one of the husband’s neighbors in Oregon said he saw the man just last week and that there was no baby bump and (3) the husband is under a “confidentiality” contract and will not speak to the media until it expires, which is coincidentally (?), er, April 1st.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Last year, NOTW (and everyone else) reported on the German rabbit breeder creating monster bunnies that he tried to pitch to North Korea as food supplies for poor families [NOTW Daily, 1-13-2007]. It turns out that that wasn’t a monster bunny. This is a monster bunny.

Newsrangers: John Sauter, Christopher Nalty, Amy Rogers, Michael Ravnitzky, Jim Bishop, Catherine May, Karl Olson, Hal Dunham, John Holsinger, Michael Lawlor, Jerry Whittle, Sam Gaines, Emory Kimbrough, Craig Cryer, Joe Littrell, Bob Pert
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
Robber calls ahead to make sure there’s cash on hand / Hawaii’s volcano people, living in paradise / Mexican border-jumper forces immigration official to tap out / Carl Spackler lives! / And more!

Civilization in Decline
The Pentagon revealed that, yes, it did mistakenly send four fuses for nuclear missiles to Taiwan when it meant to send helicopter batteries, but, second, not to worry, because it caught the error, er, 18 months later, but still . . . . . So there’s a brain-damaged truck-crash victim who can’t even remember that her son was just killed in Iraq and who wins $1M from the trucker, and first the lawyers, etc., suck out $580k of that, leaving $417k, and then Wal-Mart stockholders suck that out, since she was covered under Wal-Mart’s health-insurance plan, whose fine print says she has to give up insurance payouts.

The Human Condition Today
Firefighter Mary Wolski says her constitutional rights were violated by her bring pink-slipped, just because she set her father’s trailer-home on fire when she got depressed . . . . . The captain of the cheerleaders at West Boca Raton (Fla.) High School died of complications from breast-augmentation surgery . . . . . “This is heaven on Earth” said a representative of a group of residents who live in houses constructed upon charred black rocks far from civilization (namely, the active Kilauea volcano in Hawaii) . . . . . A Beaumont, Tex., woman enforced, at gunpoint, her house rule that deliverymen are not to come into her home unless they remove their shoes first . . . . . Unclear on the Concept: (1) 18-yr-old guy in Chicago tried to rob a muffler shop at 9 a.m., but the manager wasn't in, and only he had access to the cash, and so our guy left his cell phone number and told the employees to give him a ring when the manager showed up so he could come back and rob ‘em (and he tried) (Seriously); (2) 40-yr-old guy in Windsor, Ontario, called up the convenience store 90 minutes ahead of time to make sure there was money in the till before he went to the trouble of driving down there to rob it (there was; he did; he was arrested) . . . . . Readers’ Choice: Ronald Long, 40, Deepwater, Mo., frustrated that he couldn’t drill a hole in the wall to run his satellite TV wire into the house, shot the hole open with his .22-caliber handgun, but on the other side of the wall, inadvertently, was the now-late-Mrs. Long.

Your Daily Loser
F-Stater Frank Singleton, released from jail after a misdemeanor trespassing charge, walked out to the parking lot and tried to jack a car, and that one is a felony (Bonus: He was arrested at the scene, slowed down because the car was a stick-shift, which he couldn’t drive.)

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Steven Ross Fowler, 40, allegedly a serious copper thief

NOTW Lite
The newest masked wrestler in Los Angeles’s lucha libre community: Super Mojado (i.e., Super Wetback), and his opponent, in the corner to my left, wearing the black tights with the white lettering . . I-N-S! . . . . . Life Imitates Caddyshack in Calgary: Two men with a Carl Spackler device to blast gophers out started a massive grass fire.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
Erroror: The Aboriginal Manitoban woman on Monday (3-24-2008) was not pregnant from the original rape by the brother when he kicked her; coulda been somebody else's, or coulda been the brother's on a return visit.

Newsrangers: Catherine May, Stephen Taylor, Karl Olson, Gerald Sacks, Eric Gibbs, Diane Gunnels-Rowley, Sam Gaines, and quite a few finders of the Readers’ Choice stories and the two unclear-on-the-concept robbers
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Ready for a pregnant husband? / Next on the cloning agenda: that "genius" bull / Ruben Enaje takes nails in the hands and feet for the (almost) 23rd straight Easter / Citizen advisory for the Amish community: buggy-jacking! / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Drug war is so bad in Palomas, Mexico, that the police chief ducked across the border to Columbus, N.Mex., for asylum, but the war’s bad there, too, e.g., armed robbers recently commandeered a dentist’s office while the mayor was getting a root canal . . . . . With 114 “underperforming” schools to take care of, the Massachusetts Bd of Education spent parts of more than three recent meetings concentrating on, er, looking for a sweeter word than “underperforming” . . . . . Nigeria, land of major-league scams, gets all wussy: cheating in a fishing tournament . . . . . Leading Economic Indicator: Among the fire-sale real estate on the market in Grand Rapids, Mich.: the headquarters building of the Home & Building Ass’n of Greater Grand Rapids . . . . . What century are we in? The U.S. Supreme Court had to reverse a state court judge in Louisiana who kept a jury all-white (judging a black murder defendant) by "excusing" a black student from the jury because he didn’t want the poor guy to miss any classes, but he kept a white self-employed contractor with a sick wife.

The Human Condition Today
“Is society ready for [the] pregnant husband?” (Thomas, born a female, is legally married to Nancy, also female, but Thomas was assigned the household chore of child-bearing) . . . . . No, no! First, you get elected; then you commit the sex crime (not the way mayoral candidate Brian Sliter is doing it) . . . . . People Different From Us: An Aboriginal Manitoban woman didn’t complain when her brother raped her, and didn’t complain when he kicked her while she was pregnant with that baby (over a pro wrestling dispute!) because, she said, she is “a forgive-and-forget person,” but then he went and burned mom’s house down, and that pissed her off . . . . . Failed defense argument for a DUI charge in which the driver crashed into two horses with five riders aboard: My client is an “experienced drinker” so alcohol had nothing to do with it [Ed.: The story with the money quote is behind Albuquerque Journal's money wall] . . . . . What a Crew! The emergency dispatchers in Montgomery County, Pa., who held their raucous office party while manning the 911 phones, now say they handled every damn one of the 952 calls that came in, expeditiously and professionally, of course.

Your Daily Loser
Armed robber Joshua Crowley, 22, who was pursued by, confronted by, and wrestled down by, Mary Chamberlain, 66.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
The Hagar-Clayton family, of Holts Summit, Mo., charged with team burglary (and grandpa will join the lineup once the cops bring him over from the hospital)

NOTW Lite
Explanation, please: James Lacy was arrested for having “imitation crack cocaine,” which it turns out, sounds very much like just a packet of crushed peanuts [Seriously, but he’s in jail, so, like, do they have lawyers in Charleston?] . . . . . The Jelly Belly people, playing games with new flavors of jelly beans, have introduced vomit, earwax, moldy cheese, pencil shavings, and baby wipe . . . . . Police in Missouri’s Amish country made an arrest in that buggy-jacking . . . . . He’s a “genius”; he’s like “a painting by Rubens, or Velazquez”; he is . . Alcalde, Spain’s alpha bull with a genetic line for siring precisely the kind of toros that make matadors look good; hence, clone him!

Update
Nineteen men in San Pedro Cutud, Philippines, signed up for crucifixion on Friday, with Ruben Enaje, 47, getting the top seed because it was his 22nd time with the nails in the last 23 yrs (with each man in line getting to stick, screaming, for 5 minutes).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Now, this is a site for serious toe-readers so Yr Editor implores you: If you’re one of those slutty, libido-driven foot fetishists, don’t ruin it for the rest of us by dragging the site down to your level.

Newsrangers: Jeff Berg, John Holsinger, Paul Music, Paul Di Filippo, Rob Snyder, Henry Bailey, Tiffanie Meyer, Jerry Whittle
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
Teaching un-horny Singaporeans how to flirt / R.I.P. a Tennessee pastor, punked out by a goat / Off-off-off-off-Broadway (actually, a Central Park men’s room) / The Great Crescent City Pee Robbery / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Found on the mean streets of Marietta, Ohio, last week: green crack (a St. Pat’s day special, or just candy-colored crack, for kids?) (previously: red crack for Christmas!) . . . . . In 20 states, sex offenders who are detained past their sentences are not technically “prisoners” and are therefore eligible to loot federal Pell Grants . . . . . Miami-Dade County said, well, yes, its 250,000 unlicensed drivers (most didn’t learn to drive right, or had their licenses taken away) are a problem and that it will try to modify its current policy, which is, basically, who cares?

The Human Condition Today
Two gals tried to swipe packages from a DHL driver near Crescent City, Calif. (i.e., some urine tests headed for the lab, because they were sure theirs would test positive, and they’d be off to jail), and will now do 3 yrs in prison for their trouble and for testing positive when arrested for the swipe (but by the way, their original samples turned out clean) . . . . . Very undignified: A Clarksville, Tenn., Baptist minister, age 76, attempting to put an escaped goat back in the pen, was found fatally self-hogtied with the goat on top of him . . . . . Arrested for a murder in Wisconsin: Mr. James Hole [photo] (Bonus: His middle initial is A) . . . . . If you arrive for your appointment and see your dentist passed out on the floor, drooling from his gas mask, you’re in Dr. Norman Rubin’s office (a 6-time loser in Illinois, but allowed to practice in Smithtown, N.Y.) . . . . . Not quite Yr Editor’s iconic “flying cow” death, but still: A 57-yr-old woman, sitting placidly on a boat in the Florida Keys, was fatally attacked by a flying stingray (death by blunt force, not the Irwinian barb) . . . . . Family Values: Raymond Wall, 51, arrested for identity theft, running up a $4,700 tab; victim was a young soldier on active duty overseas named Robert Wall (yep) . . . . . Vanity Pays: St. Paul cab driver Roy Carlson Jr uses hair styling gel because, y’know, cab drivers are like models and actors, always have to be sharp, but then when a teenage girl turned violent on him and slashed his throat, he survived, only because she couldn’t get that good a grip on his hair when she tried to pull his head back . . . . . We’re moving to the End Game on these Signs From Above: A woman in Elyria, Ohio, opened her package of frozen fish sticks, saw two of them stuck together in a “cross,” and is sure it’s the Lord answering her long-time prayers for a new van, i.e., eBay!

Your Daily Loser
Donald Archie Baker, 51, concerned about meeting his court date the next morning in Peterborough, Ont., did the logical thing: He called 911 to ask for a wake-up call. No can do. OK, he called the police non-emergency number to ask for the wake-up call. No can do, either, but by the way, Mr. Baker, we see here that you have yet another arrest warrant on the books. There’ll be an additional court date you'll have to wake up for.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
Singapore, home of an aging, passion-challenged population, is, via the gov’t, offering classes to young people on how to flirt (“My teacher said if a guy looks into my eyes for more than five seconds, it could mean that he is attracted to me, and I stand a chance,” said Isabel, age 18). Ouch.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
James Eggleston, 59, charged with traveling to meet kids for sex

NOTW Lite
Irish playwright Paul Walker’s making quite a name for himself in New York’s Central Park because his new production Ladies & Gents is staged entirely in one of the park’s restrooms (because, well, a playwright likes to take the audience out of its “comfort zone,” and how better than Toilet Theater?) . . . . . Fine Points of the Law: A Texas appeals court ruled, definitively, that there is such a thing as an “ankle” (It’s not that Texans are that slow; it’s that podiatrists said their authorization to treat the “foot” included the portion that we non-pods call the ankle, but M.D.’s said ankles are separate from feet) . . . . . There’s a certain symmetry to this: In India’s Madhya Pradesh state, if you’ll get a vasectomy, the gov’t will green-light your application for a gun license, sort of, y’know, reducing your virility here, giving it back there.

Updates
(1) Waddah Mustapha of Winsdor, Ont., has reached Canada’s Supreme Court with his appeal. He’s the guy who won the then-equivalent of US$270k because seeing a fly in a bottle of water caused him “major depression, anxiety, specific phobias, and obsessional thoughts” [NOTW 901, 5-15-2005]. An appeals court overturned the award, but he wants the Supremes to get it back for him. Says Mustapha, “We all know flies of that kind, with the blue butts,” are public health problems. (2) Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, who officially adopted the middle name to make it easier to win public office so that he could fight against abortion (but was shut down in his 2006 governor’s race because the middle name looked too contrived for Idaho officials [NOTW Daily, 9-20-2006]), has now changed his whole damn name to Pro-Life. Not Pro-Life Richardson. Just Pro-Life. And he said he’ll run for office until he’s elected [starting with the U.S. Senate race to replace Larry Craig, who is building a nice retirement men’s room in the Coeur d’Alene Mountains]. (3) It’s Good Friday, which means a couple dozen Filipinos are either getting themselves beaten bloody (as punishment for their various sins) or actually crucifying themselves, with nails, on wooden crosses. The gov’t knows it’s coming, and apparently knows it cannot stop the true believers, and so this year issued a consumer advisory urging them to, please, f*ck yourselves up prudently, by using clean whips and sterilized nails.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
On Wednesday, a naive web news editor (well, either that or a groundbreaking editor riding an emerging lower level of judgment-free reporting) circulated “Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead,” which created quite a bit of attention, but Yr Editor despairs. The most widely-circulated version is by FoxNews.com, which cites the “Daily Telegraph,” which might suggest to journalist types that London’s Daily Telegraph, whose editors are generally quite savvy, was endorsing the story. Actually, it’s from Sydney’s Daily Telegraph, one of the less-disciplined kids in the Murdoch family, less solid than London’s Daily Telegraph and less grown-up than Murdoch’s other Sydney daily, The Australian. And in fact, the story didn’t come from Sydney’s Daily Telegraph at all. It came from the news website with the loosest standards of all: Ananova.com (which has a knack for finding stories we don’t, from newspapers we can’t access, in languages we don’t speak). The botched surgery (in Bavaria!) might have happened; who knows? And your house might soon be again worth what it was on Good Friday 2006; who knows?

Newsrangers: Casey Burns, Caroline Lawler, Ginger Katz, Matt Mirapaul, Bob Payne, Steve Miller, Nicole Johnson, Randy Davis, Chris Bellows, Emory Kimbrough, Bruce Townley, Harry Farkas, Michael Listwan, Lew Call, Dwayne James, Scott Langill, James Wicht
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
Blood-farming in Uttar Pradesh / Saudi women, burqas, but Saudi camels, ooo-la-la! / Emerging excellence in homicide-charge denials / The phallic solution to the financial crisis / And more!

Civilization in Decline
In Riyadh, the sacred institution of holy matrimony was commenced for Mohammed al-Rashidi: “I am ready for this marriage. It will help me study better.” (Dude’s 11, ol’ lady’s 10) . . . . . In Uttar Pradesh state in India, authorities raided a “blood farm” (aka a contractor that supplies product for blood banks) and rescued 17 virtual catatonics who had apparently been supplying way too much of that “product.”

The Human Condition Today
82 yrs old, he started to clean his septic tank but fell in head first, legs kicking, and his wife couldn’t rescue him in time . . . . . Some richer, old-line Saudis have this thing for, er, camels (“It’s just like judging a beautiful girl. You look for big eyes, long lashes, and a long neck, maybe 39 or 40 inches”) (“She isn’t married yet, this one. She’s still a virgin. Look at the black eyes, the soft fur. The fur is trimmed so it’s short and clean, just like a girl going to a party.”) [Shouldn’t the animal-rights activists be protecting these sweeties’ modesty, with camel burqas?] . . . . . No no no, I didn’t kill my wife, said Hans Reiser, on trial in Oakland, Calif., except that on the stand, he admitted several times that he’s an a-hole [Ed.: word modified for e-mail readers], but not a murderer! . . . . . But even more panache was shown by Jeffrey Gilham, on trial for 3 murders in Australia: Oh, yes, I stabbed my brother to death in 1993, he said, but I didn’t have nuthin’ to do with the killings of my mom and dad, who were stabbed to death in the same spot at the same time with the same weapon with about the same number of blows by a killer crouching in the same position.

Your Daily Loser
Nita Sureka, 28, taking her driver’s test in a Washington, D.C., suburb, crashed into the DMV building.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
You’re Michael Hamilton. You’re horny. The aesthetically challenged Kelli Still, 43, is the best you can do. Why, Kelli’ll even do it just for gas money. Not a moment made in heaven. We don’t even know whether Michael got any or not, but, for his trouble, he did get the hell stabbed out of him.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
A special delight from TheSmokingGun.com: Floyd Bebee, 48, and his son Justin, 21, both charged with something or other:

NOTW Lite
A busy UK highway “at Llandrindgod Wells” got closed down for 10 hours so horny frogs could hop on [not “horned frogs,” “horny” frogs] . . . . . Fine Points of the Law: The feds are sending to trial a man, 48, who pretty much intended to fly to Costa Rica primarily to do a teenage prostitute, which would be illegal under U.S. law, but they arrested him before he even got on the plane to leave, so where’s the illegal act? (What if he’d gotten cold feet and never gone through with meeting her?) . . . . . A Dutch winemaker just had his nose insured by Lloyd’s of London for $8m ($2m less than Ms. America Ferrera had her “smile” insured by Lloyd’s) . . . . . “With the economy, with the Bear Stearns thing happening today, why not a giant penis on the roof?” — Ryan Walker (whose good friends painted that G.P. on the roof 6 months ago to see how long it’d take Ryan to discover it [answer: 6 months!])

Update
Yr Editor wrote [NOTW Daily, 3-7-2008]:
Can’t Possibly Be True: The Daily Mail may have reported just a stunt here, passed off as local-gov’t news, but anyway, following a survey on how unobservant London pedestrians are when texting, the sidewalks on one busy street had padding added to lampposts to reduce texters’ shoulder separations, etc. . . . .
According to this piece in Britain’s media trade journal, Press Gazette, a stunt is just what it was, so Yr Editor is exempt from the ridicule. This is Pro Edition; Yr Editor looks out for you!

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Two new top-of-the-line entries at Bmezine.com’s Modblog (2nd one would be Not Safe For Work™ the first, Not Safe For Stomachs™) (They’re the top two on 3-18-2008, but if you’re late coming to this, this is the first story, and this is the second)

Newsrangers: Brent Grahn, Mike Mendenhall, Paul Blumstein, Perry Levin, Stefan Palys, Eric Gibbs
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Bless and keep our bureaucrats safe (and maybe our soldiers, too) / It’s good to be an injured criminal in Maryland / Wrong—you do the murders first, then do the film about ‘em / Sex before dogs in Amsterdam / And more!

Civilization in Decline
It’s the same in America: The Daily Mail (London) has another case of a disabled bureaucrat (back injury lifting a printer) awarded £202,000 compensation from the gov’t, vs. a soldier, losing use of a hand and arm in a mortar attack, £57,000 (Bonus: depressed, chronically-fatigued paper-pusher, £217,000; typist with repetitive-stress injury, £484,000) . . . . . Maryland’s proud of its Criminal Injuries Compensation Fund, which regards crime as something done to all of society equally and therefore uses tax money to pay doctor bills of criminal victims, but the Baltimore Sun said $1.8m in the last 5 yrs has gone to criminals, themselves, who got hurt by other criminals . . . . . The Organization of the Islamic Conference, meeting in Senegal, offered, as one strategy for fighting all this badmouthing of Islam, litigation (Denmark, you’re up first) . . . . . It’s quite a dilemma, whether you can put a guy on the “sex offenders’” list when he wasn’t bothering humans (dog molester in Kansas: maybe; we’ll see) (goat molester in New Zealand: no, probably not).

The Human Condition Today
Least Competent Prison Guards: Ate a cake baked by a major gang member and got sick as hell, Duh-uh! . . . . . Worst Judgment: Christopher Burda, intending (he said) to thwart the woman’s suicidal urges, “call[ed] her bluff” by loading a gun for her, twice; he’ll do 5 yrs now, since she wasn’t bluffing . . . . . Kansas, with its version of Shock And Awe, attacked Oklahoma, but the Kansas Air Nat’l Guard said it was an accident . . . . . A charming story of the small-time crook Gary Hilton, who helped his lawyer-pal conceive a B-list murder movie in 1995, then 12 yrs later took the plot to heart, and now he’s a serial killer [And this Metafilter.com post has links to the film and story] . . . . . God’s Will: The Lord (according to the granny) must’ve made the 15-yr-old girl play hooky that day, so that she could stop a speeding bus and save 40 kids from injury or worse (Bonus: She got detention, anyway) . . . . . Bad at Multi-Tasking: Director of the Physical Plant Aaron Barto said, Well, yes, we did find an 800-sq-ft area of the Bellefonte, Pa., high school with black mold in 2005, and no, I didn’t tell anybody, “but I’ve had a ton of things going on . . and I don’t always remember to do it, you know.”

Your Daily Loser
Eric Hardin had lots of child porn, and maybe no one would have found it if he’d just bathed once in a while. (His roommates kicked him out on hygiene grounds, then found his stash.)

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
One of those people would be whichever man it was (name not reported) who ejaculated on a sleeping 21-yr-old American Airlines passenger during a flight from D/FW to LAX (thus forming the basis for the woman’s $200k lawsuit against the airline for having super-inattentive flight attendants).

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Johnathan T. Pinney, 23, charged with aggravated battery [Bonus: He’ll be lawyering for himself at trial] [Double bonus: He’ll be wearing a cape]

NOTW Lite
Yr Editor doesn’t understand the municipal legal system in Amsterdam, but it says here that it’s a done deal that public sex will be decriminalized in Vondelpark park (presumably for straights, too, but London’s Daily Telegraph reports “gay sex”) but that the new leash law for dogs is quite unpopular . . . . . What to do with a baby girl born with two faces in a suburb of Delhi? Worship her, of course . . . . . If you’re a lab mouse, here’s a coin flip almost as powerful as Anton Chigurh’s: “Tails! OK, you guys in this line, cancer research! You guys in that line, erection research” . . . . . Punchline-Friendly News: The village of Schwerzenbach, already the site of Switzerland’s biggest whorehouse, learned that moving in right next door to it will be the country’s biggest assisted-suicide center.

Updates
(1) Last week [NOTW M048, 3-9-2008], Yr Editor reported that police in Swansea, Wales, had accused David Henton, 72, of murdering his long-time girlfriend, based on secret recordings they had made in Henton’s home, in which he seemingly “confessed” the murder to his only companions, his cats, to whom he spoke frequently. On March 14th, after a seven-week trial, a jury found Henton not guilty, either of murder or manslaughter, probably on the basis that the tapes were not as intelligible to the jury as the police claimed they were. (2) After all the shoutin’ calmed down last week about the woman stuck on the toilet for 2 yrs, it turns out that she probably just stayed in the john for 2 yrs but not necessarily on the throne, that she might have been seated only for up to a month, and furthermore, her butt didn’t really bond to the seat but rather she had some open sores that stuck. The main point, that she and her boyfriend just aren’t right, remains solid.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

Newsrangers: Joel Walz, Rob Snyder, Jerry Whittle, Mark Neunder, Peter Smagorinsky, Paul Music, Steve Dunn, Karl Olson, Jamie Anderson, Scott Langill
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
Oops, accidentally downloaded 8,742 child-porn images / Eat the UN! / Jodie Foster's still got it / America's free-lance English teacher / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Here he is, the best lawyer in the entire world, Craig Eberhardt of Brisbane, Australia, getting an ex-cop off with just probation, though he was caught with 8,742 child porn images on his computer that he bought from a website (Winning argument: He downloaded them all by mistake, “somewhat accidentally”) . . . . . A chief lieutenant (Mr. Zigzag Marzah) of former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor testified at Taylor’s trial in The Hague that Taylor felt it was sometimes necessary in the course of battle to, uh, kill and eat United Nations peacekeeping forces . . . . . Muslims in Bangkok marched in front of the Danish embassy to protest last month’s reprinting in Danish newspapers of the famous Mohammad cartoons, but the march wasn’t all that effective, apparently; said Suloh Salaimad, of the Muslim Group for Peace, “We should do something more violent than just protest” . . . . . A report by Britain’s Dept. for Children, Schools, and Families said school posters educating against “forced marriages” were so “hard-hitting” as to be upsetting to some students and their parents (i.e., parents from forced-marriage cultures) and ought to come down.

The Human Condition Today
Vinicios Robacher, 15, was sleeping in class on December 4th in Danbury, Conn., and so teacher Melissa Nadeau slapped her hand hard on his desk, jarring him awake, and now, of course, he’s suing (Seriously) . . . . . Mehmet Tilki, 54, is retiring in Hasankeyf, Turkey, and will spend his remaining years back in his childhood home, which is a cave (“This cave, which my father left me, is my everything”) (Bonus: It’s got satellite TV) . . . . . Even approaching middle age, Jodie Foster continues to mesmerize; at least, that’s what it looks like provoked Michael Smegal, 42, to write dozens of stalking/threatening letters mentioning her . . . . . They’re only ages 14 and 12, but already awesome prodigies, sort of, having been arrested at gunpoint in Port St. Lucie, Fla., as they tried to pull off a robbery inside a police substation . . . . . It’s No Longer Weird, of course, but the number is pretty staggering: 800 dogs and 82 parrots in a trailer home near Tucson (OK, so it was a triple-wide, but still . . ..).

Your Daily Loser
According to the time line supplied by police, Christopher Koch, 28, parked near the Citizens & Northern Bank in Liberty, Pa., at 11:40 a.m. and waited, ostensibly building up his nerve, and then at 12 noon got out of the car, put on the orange ski mask, and walked over to the bank, arriving at 12:01. Doors locked. Bank closed at 12:00. They got his license plate number.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
[from The Keynoter (Key West, Fla.)] “This is one way you don’t want anyone to find you: in an abandoned building bound with pantyhose and gagged, wearing women’s intimate clothing and with a foam ball in your mouth” [via ObscureStore.com]

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Larry McManning, 52, accused of flashing two women

NOTW Lite
It’s nearly tournament time again, when several dozen college teams battle it out for the nat’l championship, and naturally I’m referring to intercollegiate meat-judging (coaches, teammates, full-ride scholarships, hanging out in the gym—er, meat locker, ) (Seriously) [Wall Street Journal via Yahoo] . . . . . . Physicists from the University of Calgary and Tokyo Institute of Technology are all excited because they have taken a puff of gas and stored absolutely nothing inside it, and then, more exciting than that, they then extracted that same “nothing” from the gas (Seriously) [Feb. 29] . . . . . Also from the realm of, uh, science comes Jemima Packington, who somehow has the gift of being able to see the future by, er, tossing asparagus stalks up in the air and then looking at how they landed . . . . . Helen and Jerry Stalhatos of San Marino, Calif., said the houseguests they’ve had for 20 yrs really hadn’t bothered them that much until recently, when honey started seeping through the walls (houseguests: a million bees) (Bonus: The house always smells sweet!) . . . . . Nat’l Public Radio profiled Jeff Deck of Boston, who formed the Typo Eradication Advancement League and travels around the country fixing, y’know, apostrophes and such [via Fark.com] [and Yr Editor knows, absolutely, that “Myers’s Rum” is correct].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
(1) There was a story out of rural Kansas on Wednesday about a woman who remained seated on the throne for two consecutive years, until her skin had bonded with the toilet seat. There’s no sense reporting it here because apparently every single person who ever read News of the Weird sent it to me over the last two days. Thanks. It was great hearing from y’all. Keep in touch. Link. (2) The most fascinating fella of the week is Christopher Chubasco Wilkins, who is 39 and will not have a long, happy life because the state of Texas will execute him in a few yrs, after he was found guilty of killing three men. But Christopher knows the game. He testified in the punishment phase of the trial, and not exactly in his own behalf. He sympathized with the jury’s dilemma (death or life in prison?): “I’m as undecided as you are. You’ve got a job to do. Look, it is no big deal.” On whether he should be spared because he was addled with drugs: “You can consider drugs if you want to. But I wouldn’t put too much weight on that. When I get wound up, I have a fuse that is short. I don’t think about what I’m doing.” Of the prosecutor: “You’re doing a fine job.” What about those hateful tattoos you have (pentagrams, demons, swastikas, an image of Hitler)? “Just hype.” Do you want to die? “I guess, subconsciously, I’ve been trying to get myself killed since I was 12 or 13 years old. . . I haven’t been any good to anybody for the last 20 years and I won’t be for the next 20 or the 20 after that.”

Newsrangers: Scott Langill, James Wicht, Stefan Palys, Paul Di Filippo, Bruce Alter, Paul Music, Tony French, Stephen Taylor
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
Exporting psychotherapy (to India) and advertising (to outer space) / Patient records sold as scrap paper / Hoarders get their own distinctive brain-wave signature / Elephants block the voting booths / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Oh, jeez, the very best of Earth, headed for other solar systems: On June 12th, outer-space scientists plan to send a Doritos commercial to, at least, the Great Bear Constellation 42 light yrs away . . . . . And, oh, jeez, the very best of America, headed for India: Researchers have discovered that if they ask the right questions, it turns out that the billion people in India suffer from about as much depression/anxiety as do Americans, a finding that of course pleases the shrink community very much, enoughso that they’re willing, for now, to trust “treatment” to low-cost laypeople (but certainly only as placeholders, until they can build up the psychotherapy industry from its current presence of 4,000 doctors) . . . . . Britain’s teachers are embarrassed, apparently, that a UNICEF report revealed UK kids as the most “unhappy” ones in the survey sample, and they want to fix that (but one high school’s introduction of happiness lessons seems a little, well, typical, actually) . . . . . Can’t Possibly Be True: A box containing Florida hospital records of 28 patients, sent by UPS for Medicare audit to Nevada, wound up sold for $20 as scrap paper to a company in Salt Lake City . . . . . A gay Iranian teenager’s partner back home has already been executed for his sexuality, but Britain wouldn't give him asylum, and now the Netherlands won't, either, on the ground that he won't really be in jeopardy back home if he just acts more, y'know, manly. (Bonus: Iranian lesbian, same problem!)

The Human Condition Today
Eliot Who? Tampa woke up this morning to its own scandal (“The Judge and the Stripper”), and “he said” not much while “she said” they commingled bank accounts to hide something-or-other, and she wants her dough back, which if true, would be behavior so inexplicable for a judge as to even violate the F State judicial code . . . . . Australia’s “Dr. Death,” Jayant Patel, who was allegedly about as likely during his stint as chief surgeon in a Queensland hospital to remove a healthy part as a diseased one, was arrested in Oregon (Money quote from Patel, on hygiene: “Doctors’ hands don’t get germs”) . . . . . A man, about to be arrested in Carson City, Nev., tried to hold cops at bay with a threat of suicide, which he would effect by swallowing this-here entire bottle of Viagra . . . . . MSNBC reported research showing that hoarders register altogether different brain activity than other people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (Bonus: The actress Delta Burke hoards porcelain dolls and antique furniture in 27 climate-controlled storage lockers)

Your Daily Loser
Alejandro Renteria, 23, fleeing police in Grand Island, Neb., tossed his telltale gun into the lake, where cops would never find it, except that the lake was largely frozen, and there lay the gun, right there on the ice.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Frank McCowan, 55, accused of messing around with a kid (Bonus Today: John Gates, alleged out-of-control wanker)

NOTW Lite
Sunday was the day of the annual pray-for-pets Catholic mass in Masaya, Nicaragua, which they do by dressing up the town’s dogs as babies, clowns, etc. . . . . . Election day in the Sri Lankan village of Wellaveli was ruined by those machines with the hanging chad—no, wait, it was ruined by the polling station being blocked by wild elephants (but commandos, in armored personnel carriers, drove ‘em away).

Update
Add the Kentucky legislature to the list of entities clueless to the outside world, who believe they can casually refer to the Midwestern game of cornhole without causing the synapses to go haywire on half of all the men in America [NOTW 878, 12-5-2004] [NOTW Daily, 5-31-2006].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Radhakant Bajpal, 50, of Kanpur, India, was recently notified by the Guinness Book people that, no-sir, there is no longer strand of hair growing out of anyone’s ear than those sprouting from his. Video and Slideshow!

NOTW, The Blog
The Vatican’s relationship with one of its recent saints, Padre Pio, keeps getting weirder. Yr Editor wrote in 1999 [NOTW 590, 5-28-1999]:
A beatification ceremony was held in Rome in May for the proposed saint, Padre Pio, of southern Italy, who died in 1968. Padre Pio was wildly loved by his parishioners but viewed skeptically by critics, including two Popes and other Vatican officials. According to his supporters, his hands bled from the crucifixion holes similar to those of Jesus, to the point where light passed through them; he once had a wrestling match with the devil, who gouged Padre Pio's eyes; and various parishioners (including a friend of the man who later became Pope John Paul II) were inexplicably cured of illnesses after praying through Padre Pio. He will need two posthumous miracles to become a saint.
[which, it turns out, were apparently no problem] John Paul II sponsored his sainthood and had the body stashed away, but Benedict’s regime wants him out on display for a few months. One problem: The top part of his skull is exposed, and it’s yucky. Second problem: No crucifixion holes. As Benedict surely knows, sometimes being a leader is not pretty.

Newsrangers: Paul Music, Emory Kimbrough, Bob Moore, Scott Schrier, Paul Blumstein, Philip Urban, Joe Littrell, Scott Langill
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Fantasy fishing league / It’s OK to lie in court about sex / The paramedic who faints around needles / Supercow! / “I stand before you, a vagina-friendly mayor” / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Leading Economic Indicators: (1) Developers are planning to tear down the historic Kingsway Cathedral in Des Moines, Iowa, to make way for a, uh, convenience store/gas station; (2) The Winnipeg (Manitoba) Bar Ass’n said it would like to join the lawsuit over a local investigation of police but that it can’t afford to hire a lawyer (Seriously) . . . . . Leading Cultural Indicator: fantasy fishing league! . . . . . A literature review found that Japan’s so-called research rationale for its whale-hunting looks kinda bogus, e.g., they need whales for experiments like cross-breeding with cows [which, in fairness to the Japanese, still isn’t as weird as, y’know, selling used panties in vending machines] . . . . . In a tremendously Bill-Clinton-friendly decision, a high court has declared that it’s not a crime to lie under oath if the lie is just about sex; too bad for Clinton that the ruling was by Italy’s Court of Cassation.

The Human Condition Today
Inconvenient disability: Fireman-paramedic sues to get his job back after being fired because he always faints at sticking in needles . . . . . Self-reported symptoms almost always improve with placebos for 20-40 percent of patients, across the board, and moreso for red or black placebos than for white placebos, and now: more with pills that the patient is told costs $2.50 each, versus 10 cents each . . . . . Another journal article last week, though, said aromatherapy doesn’t seem to work at all, but that study’s probably a bunch of crap, since one of the authors is Dr. William Malarkey.

Your Daily Loser
The silver-tongued (“Chocolate City”), empty-suit mayor of New Orleans, Ray Nagin, said he’s down with next month’s women’s celebration in town aimed at reducing violence, which is fine, except that when he welcomed Eve Ensler to the city on Friday, he must’ve double-dosed his lithium: “I was absolutely blown away at how awesome this work is. I mean, she is doing God’s work. So, I stand before you, a vagina-friendly mayor. I am in! And you know what? It is so appropriate right now. New Orleans, Louisiana, is the birth place of jazz, you know, but it is the birthplace of so many tremendous women.”

NOTW Lite
It wasn’t one of Yr Editor’s iconic Flying Cows, but it was a supercow, nonetheless, and its owners were adjudged not responsible for knowing it could, if it wanted, leap over a 12-ft grid . . . . . Arrested for allegedly stabbing his roommate: Mr. Timothy Stilletto . . . . . An inadvertent suicide spectacular in Minnesota: He hanged himself from a pipe, but an hour after he died, the weight of his body cracked the pipe, which was for natural gas, soon making for a zowie explosion! . . . . . A man went nuts in a town in southern Thailand, killing eight neighbors, because, well, the karaoke party was too loud, and, seriously, the main culprit seemed to be Country Roads by John Denver . . . . . Maybe the biggest German paternity lawsuit since that Boris Becker “2 minutes in a broom closet” conception: A Neumuenster zoo wants a piece of the Berlin zoo’s action for gigolo-ing to make the celeb-bear Knut . . . . . A woman found $15,000 in the middle of the road (Plattsburgh, N.Y.), and a thrift-store worker found $30,000 mistakenly left in some old clothes, and both turned it in (and neither one was hospitalized pending a mental evaluation!).

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Wilson Yazzie Benally, suspicion of shoplifting and impersonating a police officer

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Yr Editor used to have a fascination with major highway truck spills, which brought together the gigantic consequences of small errors, plus shock-and-awe visual (and sometimes olfactory) spectacle, plus, of course, annoyance and inconvenience, which often lead to weird secondary behaviors. But, as usual, the Internet has outrun Yr Editor on this. Here’s a collection of truck spills.

Newsrangers: Larry Ellis Reed, Paul Music, Sam Gaines, Scott Langill, Valerie Mohr
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Things To Worry About On Friday
Jail for the Malaysian teapot-worshiper / The plight of the militant gay Israeli Palestinian / Making sidewalks safe for clumsy texters / A theater revival in Minnesota bars / And more!

Civilization in Decline
One of the 12 U.S. pedophiles indicted this week as part of the global Internet child-porn network (that hid behind sophisticated encryption) was caught in an e-mail to another member: “My thanks to you and all the others that together make this the greatest group of pedos ever to gather in one place” . . . . . Just because barely half of Malaysians are Muslims doesn’t mean that other religions are OK, especially that “Sky Kingdom” lady who worshiped the two-story teapot that the gov’t demolished in 2005, and now she’s off to jail . . . . . The Vatican said it will give priests in Italy a refresher course in hearing confessions, seeing as how 20-30 percent of confessors don’t like‘em listening in to their sins [but do priests inspire less confidence or are penitents just doing worse stuff?].

The Human Condition Today
A Tough Sell: At a storefront gallery in Tel Aviv, a 26-yr-old gay male Arab performance artist is “The Bride of Palestine” in a bloody wedding dress, perhaps making a mental note of whether Jews hate him more for rubbing Palestinian suffering in their faces or Arabs hate him more for being gay . . . . . Dripping Irony: A Sacramento-area high school teacher allegedly tried to get two girls to pose in “revealing” military clothing for his photographic pleasure, and where have we heard that theme, oh, oh, yeah, the teacher actually served a tour in Iraq, stationed at Abu Ghraib . . . . . Can’t Possibly Be True: The Daily Mail may have reported just a stunt here, passed off as local-gov’t news, but anyway, following a survey on how unobservant London pedestrians are when texting, the sidewalks on one busy street had padding added to lampposts to reduce texters’ shoulder separations, etc. . . . . . The CEO of a mortgage investment company was fined $29k by a federal judge for using the F word, er, aggressively, 73 times during a deposition he apparently didn’t like giving . . . . . Tavern theater in Minnesota: Bar owners discovered a loophole in the state no-smoking law, and some convert their establishments on weekends into smoking-permitted “theater”-stages, with patrons as “actors” . . . . . Parenting/Thinking Out of the Box: (1) He was only trying to show his kids that they could have fun doing something that didn’t cost money, like getting tumbled inside a dryer (but then, it heated up). (2) Surveillance video from the Magical Car Wash in Orlando showed two ladies power-washing a young girl.

Your Daily Loser
Sounds Like a Plan: Take your gal out to a big meal at, well, Applebees (but still, the check came to $57) and “pay” for it by putting some worms in the leftovers so the manager would comp the dinner, but then stick your supply bag of worms in the lady’s purse . . . but then, after all that, the lady accidentally leaves the purse behind when the two of you walk out in “disgust.” Busted.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
The Sun (London) found a contractor at the Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital fooling around sexually with “Henry Hoover,” which I gather is what Brits call one model of canister vacuum with a cover designed to look like a man’s face; the guy said he was only vacuuming his underpants, which according to him is “a common practice in [his native] Poland.”

NOTW Lite
The Cann Hall Primary School in Britain decided that the Internet was full of child predators and so, though continuing to post candid photos of school activities, inserted smiley faces over each child’s head on its website [ThisIsLondon.co.uk has some of the ridiculously eerie photos, but the entire site is down now, apparently, as they, er, rethink this strategy].

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

NOTW, The Blog
By the way, Yr Editor should have used Prof. Music’s kicker on Wednesday to the not-guilty finding for the well-endowed Japanese model (because her breasts made her too big to squeeze through the hole that she allegedly kicked in the wall): “If the breasts don’t fit, you must acquit”

Newsrangers: Karl Olson, Mark Neunder, Larry Ellis Reed, Michael Ravnitzky, Philip Urban, Joe Littrell, Scott Langill, Steve Dunn
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Things To Worry About On Wednesday
The muskrat-skinning lovelies of Maryland’s Eastern Shore / The old “my breasts are too big” criminal defense / Nepal’s “living goddess” all washed up / The Swedish handlebar freak / And more!

Civilization in Decline
Buddhist monks in Thailand are warned: stop using the Internet to get hookups! . . . . . Why Lobbyists Make the Big Bucks: A Norwegian whaling industry campaign urges us to eat more whale because it’s 8x less eco-destructive than eating cattle (according to the way they figure it, anyhow) . . . . . Polk County, Fla. (which is to the F State as West Virginia is to America) is overrun by vultures, but they’re federally protected so it’s illegal even to annoy them, basically.

The Human Condition Today
Miss Outdoors 2008 was crowned on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, at the annual beauty-pageant/muskrat-skinning festival, and, yes, two of the hotties went from evening gowns to skinning as their “talent” . . . . . Mmmmm! Deutscheland sausages, made with the actual blood of German military airmen . . . . . Finally, we have closure on newspaper-speak for what “more and more” means in a trend story; answer: “5 or 6" (which here is the number of people Massachusetts lawmen say they can recall showing up recently having obliterated their “print” fingertips) (which is one of the more uselessly painful acts, in that, if there’s one way to arouse cops’ suspicion, it’s to not be finger-printable) . . . . . A show-off dad landed his plane on a golf course, scaring people, just to drop his kid off for tennis tryouts (Bonus: Kid missed ‘em anyway, and besides, it was just junior varsity) . . . . . Dope is apparently so ubiquitous in Santa Clara County, Calif., that perfectly good marijuana plants are showing up as recycling-center trash . . . . . And finally, we have some Bafflingly Inexplicable stories: (1) She (age 35) was attempting to lay a memorial shirt at the site of her dad’s being hit by a train, and she slipped and fell, just when a train was passing, and . . . yes; (2) Someone (maybe more than one) sent confidential U.S. Air Force business via e-mail to “mildenhall.com” (a tourism site for a town in England) instead of whatever the e-mail address is for the U.S. airbase at Mildenhall air field in England; (3) a guy cooking a meal in Anderson, S.C., burned himself while holding a knife, which caused him to stab himself so forcefully that the blade went through his ribs and into his heart.

Your Daily Loser
Police Lt. David Mitchell, Rogers, Ark., will officially be suspended soon over a Tasering incident 2 yrs ago when he and a buddy fired at a cow but wound up zapping themselves.

People Whose Sex Lives Are Worse Than Yours
A Swedish newspaper reported that a 35-yr-old man was arrested after a couple of nuisance cases in which women’s bicycles had been befouled by the man’s essence; he said he had felt an “overwhelming calm” when he could sniff the handlebars of a woman’s bike.

NOTW Lite
It says here that a generously-gazongaed Japanese model was acquitted of kicking a hole in her boyfriend’s apartment wall and coming in after him (for cheating), with the clinching argument that she was too, well, large to get through that hole [and it’s not a waiwai story!] . . . . . Georgia law, against the grain: Not only did the DNA test (proving he was not the father) get a guy off the hook for continued child support, but now the mom and the real daddy have to pay the previously-poor schlemiel back every penny.

Your Daily Jury Duty
[no fair examining the evidence; verdict based on mugshot only]
Mark Brown, 47, alleged burglar

Updates
That Hindu “living goddess” who was close to being fired last yr when she came to the U.S. to promote a documentary about living goddesses [NOTW Daily, 7-5-2007], is retiring, at age 11 (the normal, or almost-normal retirement age) because, y’know, when you reach that age, you’re no longer the required “perfect” specimen.

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Yr (aging and highly imperfect) Editor, usually at least moderately interested in beauty aids that promise youth, nonetheless continues to underappreciate possessing a young-looking sphincter, but it might not be too late for you: http://www.BleachBum.com/

Newsrangers: Lurene Haines, Sam Gaines, Kathryn Wood, Barbara Watter, Steve Dunn, Nancy Coltrin, Larry Ellis Reed, Jim Bishop, Michael Lake, Scott Langill, Brian Clement, Geoff Belanger, Mark Neunder
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Things To Worry About On Monday
Australia's new pussified prison / The World Taxidermy Championships / The Bluetooth Burqa, for clandestine flirting / An Arizona school's written no-hugging policy / And more!

Civilization in Decline
The United Nations World Food Program complained that shortages of corn and soybeans (diverted so Iowa farmers can get rich making ethanol) will seriously increase world hunger . . . . . The Canberra (Australia) federal district’s new “humane” prison (flat-screen TVs, etc.) may improve prisoner rehab rates [but it may also increase demand for general subsidized housing, in that, well, we can’t let prisoners live better than low-wage earners, now, can we?] . . . . . Sounds Like a Joke: The U.S. military says the suicide-bomber instructor it just caught was busy grooming women to be martyrs, including Mrs. instructor . . . . . The problem with Abu Ghraib was just the feng-shui of the place, says renowned Prof. Philip Zimbardo, a principal advocate of the “there are no bad people, just bad circumstances” school . . . . . Massachusetts officials are pretty sure there was rampant cheating by Boston firefighters on a promotion exam, and thus, a do-over . . . . . Fallout from the economy: A Montana contractor told the Wall Street Journal that $100/barrel oil is one thing, but the price of sawdust has quadrupled in 2 yrs, to $100/ton, and yes, we need sawdust.

The Human Condition Today
Passes for “art” in the F State: Brian Feldman leaped off a 12-ft perch every 3 mins, 56 secs on February 29 to make the point that [Ed.: Special interactive feature! Whatever answer you supply will make more sense than Brian’s!] . . . . . Also in the F State: 2 women steal railroad spikes, right off the tracks [plus, and the TV station missed this: They’re obviously witches!] . . . . . A Canadian woman serving time for murdering her 4-yr-old daughter is embroiled in a legal challenge; she says she was wrongfully denied a gov’t child-support benefit in the months leading up to when she smothered the kid (Seriously) . . . . . Almost a cliche: Only 2 couples are left in a dead, isolated Quebec fishing village, and at least one of them is just not leaving, period, because, y’know, things were so good in the early 1990s . . . . . James Jay Lee, 40, trying to convince the Discovery Channel that it needs to air programs on the “real [environmental] problems” of the planet, scheduled a demonstration in front of the company’s Silver Spring, Md., building and unsubtly threw out “thousands” of dollar bills, to attract a crowd, so that Discovery would see how important his environment demands are . . . . . Of course: The guy with the ricin in Las Vegas also “appears to have a lengthy history involving pets and animals. The police also found three cats and an emaciated dog in his hotel room,” reported the NY Times.

Your Daily Loser
It wasn’t a drive-by shooting (in Pasco, Wash.), after all, police said. Daniel Kuch had gotten a buddy to shoot him in the shoulder so he wouldn’t have to take that drug test at work.

NOTW Lite
German designer Marcus Kison says Islam is just fine with his electronic burqa, but Yr Imam doubts it: Kison’s face-covering robe sends a Bluetooth-friendly, flirtable image of the wearer’s face, receivable by various devices in the immediate area . . . . . Another Sounds Like a Joke: Woman says her research has shown that women are cleverer liars than men [but . . ..] . . . . . Entry-Level Editor on Duty (WJZ.com, Detroit): “Man Drove Car After Being Fatally Shot” . . . . . Salzburg, Austria, hosted the World Taxidermy Championships this yr (140 participants from 25 countries, wrote Der Spiegel, “to find out who could best preserve the nostril of a stag, most perfectly model the lips of a hyena, or color the anal opening of a common pipistrelle the rosiest shade possible”).

Things That Seem Wrong
A junior high school in Mesa, Ariz., has a formal, written, no-hugging policy but with exceptions, e.g., can hug for “no longer than 2 seconds,” or give a “hook hug” or a “man hug.”

Updates
Yr Editor has reported before on the prolific South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, most recently linking to his entire caseload [NOTW Daily, 12-28-2007], but if you were too lazy to check that out, here’s a brief list of his whimsical tabloid-type lawsuits against celebrity-athletes (courtesy of London’s Observer) (e.g., apparently Barry Bonds “bench-pressed [Riches] against his will”; Tom Brady put “a recording device in rival quarterback Donovan McNabb’s soup”).

Professor Music’s Weird Links
Not today. Maybe next time.™

Newsrangers: Ginger Katz, Kelvin Norton, John Witherspoon, Christopher Nalty, Steve Miller, Barry Rose, George Foreman, John Connell
This posting to News of the Weird Daily is © 2008 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.