Monday, October 26, 2009

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
October 26, 2009
(mordant and/or stupefying news from October 17-24)
by Chuck Shepherd
© 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. (All rights reserved. But please forward this issue to your pals.)

[Editor's Note to people reading this at the Blogspot website: This October 26th edition does not contain the usual coding that makes links open in a new window.]

Ow Ow Owwwww!
"You know any sport has gone off the rails when you have to remove body parts to do it." The New York Times reported that about one in 10 ultramarathoners (the 100-milers) has permanently removed his toenails, which some consider "useless appendages, remnants of claws from evolutionary times," anyway. They're "dead weight." But mainly, shoes give them fits. New York Times

Tex-Ass Justice (New!)
It turns out that at least six different Dallas cops (and their supervisors) wrote up at least 39 citations of drivers in the past three years for the "offense" of "driving while not speaking English." Seriously. The Chief went nuts when he found out. Dallas Morning News

Playing Their Hole Card
Two gay men from Bangladesh have been turned down now three times for asylum by Australian immigration officials who think the guys are faking gayness (and thus faking a fear of being oppressed if forced to return to Bangladesh). It's put-up-or-shut-up time. The men have now offered to prove their orientation once and for all, right there on the floor of the immigration office. Daily Telegraph (Sydney)

Your Weekly Lesson in Multiculturalism
According to Mr. Scott Zirus, 25, an Aussie visiting Texas, or rather, now visiting a jail cell near San Antonio, he's a "Shadoran" and thus has a special sexuality called "neltia (r'neltia for male and l'neltia for female)," he has written, and "neltia" "is unique because it has no boundries [sic]. You are open to love from any age, race, or gender." This may cause some trouble in Texas [Plus . . if the cops don't understand his Aussie accent, he won't be able to drive, either.] (Sydney)

People With Worse Sex Lives Than You

He just can't stop himself. James Tait was caught up in the 2005 Enumclaw, Wash., horse/sex classic, and you'd have thought that would be a wake-up call. (He was part of a group of bestialists who hung out at a farm and who came under the spotlight when one of them died of a perforated colon while being a bottom . . for a horse.) Tait moved to Kentucky and found another farm, which became yet another clubhouse until a visitor turned 'em in. Seattle Times /// Seattle Times [2005]

Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

Pervs on Parade? Your call. Phillip Ortega, 56, Oklahoma City (She's lying, he said; I never showed my genitals). Joel Wooldridge, 31, Monroe, Va. (Maybe just innocently walked into the incorrect restroom). Ralph Surridge, 57, Winston-Salem, N.C. [Professional Query: Do perverts self-identify by their bad haircuts?] The Daily Oklahoman /// News-Advance (Danville) /// Greensboro News-Record

American Sub-Prime

This guy, whoever it is on the surveillance video, accidentally tipped over a barrel of grease behind Palumbo's Pizzeria in Stroudsburg, Pa., but his clumsiness started when he awkwardly tried to take a dump in the barrel. Pocono Record

Logging-truck driver Phillip Matthews, 73, caused a stir in northeastern Iowa after he forgot to lower the boom arm on his truck and started snagging (and snapping) power lines . . for 12 miles, until someone managed to flag him down. Associated Press via Des Moines Register

The human resources office at Nebraska's Tecumseh State Correctional Institute admitted that the background check on Michal Preclik to be a guard might not have been thorough enough, in that anyone Googling Preclik could have seen that he's currently wanted by Interpol for drug crimes. (He was a good guard, though; he recently got promoted.) Lincoln Journal Star

Below The Fold

A British health-care secret: 3,000 National Health Service staffers have enrolled in private health care at NHS's expense, which NHS is OK with because its staff can't have to wait in line to see doctors, like they make other Brits do. The Times

Recently, he was emptying bedpans at a Pennsylvania clinic; today, he's a Ugandan king, with 300,000 subjects. It's better to be king. The Guardian (London)

At a Ramadan academic tournament in Kismayo, Somalia, teams of students competed on science, culture, and the Koran, with the winners getting (courtesy of local jihadists) . . $1,000 worth of guns, grenades, and other stuff. Agence France-Presse via Sydney Morning Herald

Maine's Summit Springs Water Co. one-upped all the "natural water" crowd . . with "raw" water! Straight from the ground, into the bottles. None of those pesky "filters." Sun Journal (Lewiston)

Procter & Gamble once again is opening a special public restroom in New York City to promote Charmin but this time is hiring five "bloggers" at $10,000 each to "interact" with restroom-goers and blog about it. Seriously. Business Courier of Cincinnati via CNET News

The annual rabbit-carcass-tossing competition in Waiau, New Zealand, has been canceled this year (and maybe forever). Would you toss your dead grandmother around, asked an animal-protection activist. (Well, no, but in New Zealand, rabbits are major pests, ruining NZ$22m [US$16m] worth of crops every year.) Daily Telegraph (London)

Illinois's lawyer-regulation commission is after Samir Chowhan, Esq., of Chicago, for trying to hire a secretary for paralegal and office-sex duties. You should be ready, Samir told the applicant, to put out for him and his partner during the job interview. Chicago Tribune

How to tell whether your sommelier knows his stuff: Can he (like Gary Vaynerchuk, of Springfield, N.J.) recommend a wine to go with your breakfast cereal? Philadelphia Inquirer

Recurring Themes

The District of Calamity: Washington, D.C., has the highest rate of AIDS cases in the country and has been in public-health crisis mode for a quarter-century now. Yet a Washington Post investigation revealed that the D.C. government basically blew $25m in the last five years on grants to wasteful and/or scamming AIDS support organizations. Washington Post

Another recklessly-speeding drug runner: Andrew Lucas, 39, barreled through a New York construction zone though he had dope, cocaine, and 300 envelopes of heroin in the back seat. Journal-News (White Plains)

In the U.S., our paranoids blame social dislocation on our Kenyan-born Muslim President's cravings for socialism and one-world government. In India, the paranoids try to put society back on the right track by rooting out more "witches," and then they beat the women up in the street (and worse). BBC News [includes short smackdown video]

Eyewitness News

"Lady Lee," 24, shows off her Berlin, Germany, tricked-up S&M parlor on wheels. Austrian Times

Awesome, revolting photos from China, of actual scenes of air pollution, water pollution, toxic waste pollution. Whoa, nelly! [from Photo District News Online (New York)]

And why would Salvatore Dichiera, 27, of St. Petersburg, Fla., choose to look like this? The Smoking Gun

Readers' Choice

The authorities still don't know why Melissa Farris of Caldwell, Idaho, wanted to trick paramedics away from their station on a call. She phoned in a false report, and when they left, she tried to sneak into the empty station . . but got accidentally trapped under the station's garage door and is no longer with us. Idaho Statesman (Boise)

It's No Longer Weird, but lots of readers were impressed: Dennis Anderson, 61, of Proctor, Minn., pleaded guilty to DUI while driving an unconventional vehicle, in this case a La-Z-Boy recliner that he had outfitted with wheels, a motor, and stereo. But, odds are, you already knew about this story. USA Today

More Things to Worry About

Worrisome Medieval Covenants: A Welch [CORRECTION: Welsh] couple just auctioned off their historic farm because they couldn't afford the repairs . . on the 13th-century neighborhood church. Officials of St. John the Baptist's invoked a contract term in the farm's deed that requires the owner to pay for upkeep of the church . . which was built in the 13th century. BBC News

Worrisome Big Brother Winners: Recent season winner Adam Jacinski was arrested by DEA agents and charged with trying to invest the $500,000 he won from CBS . . into a major oxycodone trafficking ring. Jacinski's day job is publisher of an addiction-recovery magazine.

Worrisome Headlines: "Ice-Skating Bear Kills Circus Head." "60-Year-Old Running for Homecoming Queen Was Accused of Murder" The Times (London) /// KUSA-TV (Denver)


David Schnur, Bryce Moser, Michael Lawlor, Cindy Hildebrand, Sam Gaines, James Kalmadge, Hal Dunham, Perry Levin, Mike Miller, Alva Crom, Tom Gentry, Brian Bjolin, Craig Foley, and Jeff Hagge, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.