Tuesday, November 17, 2009

News of the Weird/Pro Edition (Extra)
November 16, 2009
by Chuck Shepherd
© 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Still More Things to Worry About

Latest Religious Message: Lufkin, Tex., school teacher Pam McLaurin says the government can give her a reaming-out background check if they want, but no way will she submit her fingerprints, which the Book of Revelation says would be a bad thing. KLTV (Tyler)

Update: The Italian heavy-metal Franciscan monk, Cesare Bonizzi [celebrated in News of the Weird M070, 8-10-2008], is retiring as front man for Fratello Metallo, acknowledging that Satan made him too much of a celebrity. Reuters via Canada.com /// YouTube performance video

A turtle turned up at a Hindu temple in India's Orissa state, supposedly with markings of Lord Jagannath, meaning it's now humbly worshiped by villagers — except it might just be that whoever found the turtle made up the part about the markings so he wouldn't have to give up the rare, endangered animal. BBC News

A 12-year-old girl in Chesapeake, Va., sneezes 12,000 times a day, and neurologists are mostly stumped (with the only available remedy, apparently, being the standard, "Appear on morning network news show"). WAVY-TV (Hampton Roads, Va.)

"A man whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash has been fitted with a bionic bottom that enables him to go to the toilet using a remote control," writes London's Daily Mail. The remote acts as a sphincter, opening and closing by sensor. (But, asks an NOTW Board Member, what if the remote falls into the wrong hands? Plus, he asks, can't they make a remote that'll just scratch your butt?) Daily Telegraph

Update: Michael G. Dick, 47, the man arrested in December [NOTW Daily, 1-2-2009] while naked, menacing the 88-year-old Oregon woman, until she grabbed him by the handiest appendage at her disposal and yanked, was sentenced to 16 months in prison. Gresham Outlook

Our new generation of leaders (continued): Blake Hall, 56, a St. Anthony, Idaho, deputy prosecutor and member of the national committee of one of our two major political parties, lost both posts after charges that he took a romantic break-up especially hard . . by, for example, tossing his used condoms onto his ex's lawn (19 condoms collected on 10 different dates). AlterNet.org

Without a mug shot, how can we possibly decide guilt or innocence? The Winnipeg, Manitoba, woman admitted raking her disabled boyfriend's credit card for $21,000, but she said she only did it to make him dump her because she couldn't bear to do the dumping, herself, because of his disability. As evidence, she quickly gave back all the money, which she said she had saved in order to return. As other evidence, though, she had just been on probation for stealing from another boyfriend to pay gambling debts. Winnipeg Sun

The government of the Extremadura region of Spain is the latest to take the creative approach to sex education by touting teenage (14 to 17) masturbation. "[P]leasure is in your own hands." BBC News

How to respect the spread of H1N1 virus while allowing Catholics to properly bless themselves with holy water: Instead of dipping their fingers in the church's communal pool, parishioners can run their hands under Luciano Marabese's holy water dispenser, which operates, hands-free, like a sensored restroom faucet. New York Daily News

One Minute: Wake Forest's Institute of Regenerative Medicine grows functional organs in the lab by extracting cells and doing the equivalent of putting them under a grow lamp. So far, they do rabbit organs, like bladders, but now they've had success with penises. (But, Chuck, what's the "one minute" reference to?) (Oh, that. "All rabbits with bioengineered [penises] attempted copulation within one minute of introduction [to a female rabbit.") Wired.com

Additional Newsranger: Larry Seltzer