Monday, August 09, 2010

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 9, 2010
(datelines July 31-August 7) (links correct as of August 9)
© 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Neo-Nazism Cures Porn, Plus Violent Midgets, Turbo Slam-Dancing, and the Flamingo Lady

★ ★ ★ ★ ★!

Probably Somebody's Dream Girl:, doing a little actual journalism last week, notified us of Corinna Burt, who is a (a) former big-time porn star, (b) professional embalmer, (c) serious bodybuilder, (d) mother of two little girls, and (e) white supremacist (who never did interracial porn, by the way; that photo they found was just her and a black dildo). In fact, she credits "racialism" as saving her from a life of porn ("If we consider ourselves a master race then we have to act like a master race, not degenerates.") Gawker

The Case Against "Homework": Colorado gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes said he used to support establishing bike lanes for his outdoor-loving state but now can't because he's studied up on the activist International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives and learned it's part of a UN cabal. "[I]f you do your homework and research, you realize that ICLEI is part of a greater strategy to rein in American cities under a United Nations treaty." Denver Post

Dog Eats Man: In a heartwarming story from Grand Rapids, Mich., the Jack Russell terrier Kiko saved Jerry Douthett's life by gnawing off his big toe (which was about to become gangrenous). Dogs are of course known to sense substances like cancer cells, and Jerry just happened to be nearly comatosely drunk at the time or never would have permitted such noshing. But even though Jerry is grateful and loves his dog, it's still . . trust but verify, i.e., Jerry's sleeping with his shoes on for a while, just in case. Grand Rapids Press

News of the Overprivileged: (1) International University of Monaco announced a college degree program in luxury retail management. (2) Milwaukee Teachers' Education Association filed a lawsuit against the already-budget-challenged public school system because the health-insurance plan does not cover Viagra and the like. BBC News /// Journal Sentinel

Headline: From The Union (Grass Valley, Calif.): "S.W.A.T. Team Requested for Violent Midgets." (In fact, they're steroid-using, body builder midgets, especially the "lead female.") The Union


Caught breaking into and entering the same house he B&E'd two years earlier, Gerald Maxwell showed off to police his quick mind: "I was going back in there to leave a thank-you note." WWSB-TV (Sarasota)

Yet another fellow embarking (allegedly) on a life of crime (drug-dealing) but with a highly identifiable face tattoo (Go, Tar Heels!). Gastonia Gazette

Strange World

Human Rights Watch: Thanks to an expensive court challenge, it is now legal to tell a cop to "[f-word] off" in Townsville, Australia. Townsville Bulletin

In New Zealand, the Turkish-born kebab-server Allaetin Can was arrested for beating up his wife in public but has now amassed evidence that the couple were only doing the Turkish native "kolbasti" dance (which, if done properly, looks very much like trouble for the woman). Daily Telegraph (London)

The crack medical reporters of London's Daily Mail are in the house: Joanne Day, 36, suffers from dystonia, which causes odd, involuntary muscle cramps that can last for months. At the present time, she cannot lower her left leg, hence, "Flamingo Lady." Daily Mail

Research Breakthrough: Monkeys hate flying squirrels, according to "monkey-annoyance" experts. Japanese macaques will completely wig out. "The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys," reports the Christian Science Monitor. Christian Science Monitor

That's Messed Up

In an application of the ol' "'Cause Why--That's Why" legal doctrine, the city of Urbandale, Iowa, fired veteran library worker Lisa Bonifas because she wouldn't disclose her poundage for their brand-new ID cards that have a space for it. (Iowa driver's licenses don't note poundage, but Urbandale requires it.) Des Moines Register

More Failed Multitasking: (1) According to this lawsuit, the driver for Illinois Central School Bus operating company caused her bus to run into a ditch (and injure at least one little buttercup) by believing she could steer while vomiting out the door. (2) And U.S. Rep. Dan Lungren of California apparently can't even give a radio interview and drive a car at the same time. He was pulled over for speeding right in the middle of a live, on-the-air chat. Chicago Sun-Times /// Associated Press via KOVR-TV (Sacramento)

The Pervo-American Community

Fans of "Buffalo [Silence of the Lambs] Bill" and that dance scene from Ed Gein almost had themselves another icon, but police picked him up near a robbed pharmacy in Phoenix, and a search of his home revealed child porn, women's clothes, and a dungeon under construction. Phoenix New Times /// Ed Gein movie

Most people would have changed their names long ago if they were inclined to a life of molesting little girls, showing up on sex-offender lists, and being arrested for hanging around elementary schools. However, Jerry Fitzgerald Dick still wants to be Jerry Fitzgerald Dick. Greensboro News-Record

Michael Edwards Jr., 28, was arrested in Gaithersburg, Md., as sort of a free-lance inseminator-spritzer, slinging semen from a bottle into a woman's hair at a supermarket. WUSA-TV (Washington, D.C.)

The unimaginative Martin Hemby, 20, was arrested in San Antonio, shooting upskirt photos at the same Wal-Mart where he was arrested two weeks ago shooting upskirt photos. San Antonio Express-News

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]

No challenges this week. Here's Genevieve Hurst Alvarado and son Benjamin Forster, Maryville, Tenn. He was following her home in his El Camino. Both were drunk. WTTG-TV (Washington, D.C.)

Apoleinar Guerro, 31, Lakeland, Fla., who possibly is guilty of felony battery for biting off the tip of his girlfriend's finger in a fight WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Updates & Recurring Themes

Update on Oklahoma City Bomber-Helper Terry Nichols: He has entered upon his third "official" hunger strike this year against the SuperMax prison in Colorado because the lack of fiber in his diet (causing "chronic constipation, bleeding, hemorrhoids") disrespects "God's holy temple," which is Terry's name for his body. The Smoking Gun

Recurring: There are too many law-enforcement wannabes and too many hoarders, but here's Frederick Nickerson--a combo! He was picked up after he scammed his way into U.S. Health and Human Services headquarters last week, and authorities searching his home found at least 64 law-enforcement ID items from dozens of jurisdictions. Washington Post [with list of the items]

Update: The mayor of the District of Calamity finally fired the head of D.C.'s juvie (Dept. of Youth and Rehabilitative Services) because the agency has been much more effective at enabling than at rehabbing. Following the firing, the mayor arrived to present awards to a few DYRS youth who have actually been behaving themselves, but before that was over, three girls started a major brawl. Washington Examiner

Recurring: On the Ocean City, Md., boardwalk this summer, you'll find Wayne Short with his faithful "service animal"--his iguana Hillary, who has her official service-animal card. (Bonus: Both Hillary and Wayne look about like you'd imagine.) The Daily Times (Salisbury, Md.)

Recurring: Q: What's the latest thing that kids in Britain can't have this summer because it's too dangerous? A: plastic wading pools. The serious explanation: Safety ninnies say the pools might get in the way of emergency workers if they get called to council housing in Cranham. Romford Recorder

Weird 2.0
"To see what is in front of one's nose requires a constant struggle"—George Orwell
"That's close enough for government work"—unknown
"Nero Fiddles While Rome Burns"—Rome Daily Inquirer, 7-18-64A.D.

Recession's Over: If there's enough money in circulation that Faye Rogers can earn some by convincing people that she can hear, and talk to, and understand, worms (and all other critters), the economy must be sailing along again. Faye's feuding with a horse whisperer who called cats "wily." (Bonus News You Can Use: She said they only appear wily because one must ask cats "specific" questions if one wants answers.) The Press (Christchurch, N.Z.)

There must be good reasons for why most of the world (including many Americans!) revere "traditional medicines." There must be. Otherwise, we might be upset that the last remaining rhinoceros in the South African preserve has been killed for its horn. In fact, 90% of the world's rhinos have been slaughtered in the last 40 years so that Chinese and Vietnamese can be placebo'd into thinking they're cured of their various maladies. Toronto Star

The Government Accountability Office raised some long-settled dust last week with its report on what fabulous(ly awful) deals most for-profit vocational schools are, and caught in the jaws were such big names as the Washington Post Co. and Goldman Sachs, both of which are owners of top-shelf schools. Goldman's group, like just about all such schools, gets over 80% of its revenue from federal student loans. Of course, Goldman trotted out a few success stories, and stats show that most grads don't complain, but almost all owe a boatload of money for their tuition and will probably never break even. Plus there's the unseemliness of pitching expensive services almost exclusively to the vulnerable. Bloomberg News

Three Lebanese soldiers were killed in a border skirmish with Israel, begun when Israeli soldiers (on a strip of land whose boundary was hard to read) tried to cut down a tree. Can't have that. Haaretz

Overpopulation Problem Solved (at least among the Followers of Christ church in Oregon): Dale and Shannon Hickman were indicted (2nd-degree manslaughter) for letting their ill newborn son wilt away, of a medically-treatable condition. The state medical examiner's office said that that runs the total in recent decades to more than 20 children of FOC members dying similarly needlessly. The Oregonian

It's a college course, team-taught by a genuine rapper! (Bonus: at the fairly prestigious Rice University!) It's by Bub B, who says the future of hip hop lies with religion because of the "parallels and correlations" and that "people from all walks of life" can learn from hip hop. NPR [formerly "National Public Radio"]

The lawyer for Army Maj. Nidal Hasan (the Fort Hood shooter [ed.: who, by the way, was, indeed the Fort Hood shooter, although we cannot say if he's guilty of this crime or that crime . . though we mock ourselves by referring to him as "innocent"]) complained that no local bank will accept Hasan's direct-deposits (since the Army has to keep paying him until final resolution). "I think it's just another example of the prejudice that he's been exposed to." Austin American-Statesman

Editor's Notes

The Future of Journalism / Specials from Britain's The Sun: Somehow, the worldwide tentacles of professional reportage found these two people somewhere in China: the fella who jumped in the water only to have an eel swim up his ass . . and the woman who has the unusual ability to sleep for six straight months and then stay awake for six straight months. Damn. That sure is news of the weird. eel /// sleep

Newsrangers: Melissa Cerrito, Gerald Sacks, Mark McLauchlin, Eugenia Schenecker, Scott Huber, David Gregory, Paul Krause, Alan Magid, Tom Creamer, Greg White, and Kevin Meadowcroft, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors