Monday, October 11, 2010

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
October 11, 2010
(datelines October 2-October 9) (links correct as of October 11)
© 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Grandpa Does What for a Living? Plus Doggers' Rights and More Blind Obedience to the GPS God

★ ★ ★ ★!

Japanese "Elder Porn": Shigeo Tokuda took up acting at age 71 and has become a movie star with a body of work numbering 350 (all adult films, including hard-core porn). He's 76 now and says he doesn't even need Viagra. He was discovered for the big screen when a producer saw him and decided he had "a pervert's face." Only recently did his family learn of his secret life. (Bonus: One of his films paired him with Ms. Fujiko Ito, 71.) Globe & Mail (Toronto)

What Year Is This? Mississippi state judge Talmadge Littlejohn put a lawyer in jail for criminal contempt of court because he declined to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal

Can't Possibly Be True (I): New York City court . . Juvenile counselor pleaded to three counts of rape of juvie girls . . Got probation . . One of the victims, "Ashley," age 15, who had been charged with lying to police, got a year's detention. New York Daily News

Can't Possibly Be True (II): In a village in India's Madhya Pradesh state, a lady found out that a bottom-caste Dalit woman had fed scraps of bread to her dog. Now the dog's in rehab (purgatory?) (touched by an untouchable!), and the lady has taken the Dalit woman to court. BBC News [Sept. 24]

Great Art!: Opening in June 2011 will be "Lullaby," a London theater production that presumes the audience will be rendered drowsy by the actors' soothing performances. Thus, the ticket price includes overnight lounging in the seats and a shower the next morning. Seriously. Wear your 'jammies. Reuters via Yahoo News

And Still More Things To Worry About

"Male Infertility Gene Discovered" (Wait, if it's genetic . . how'd that work--?) BBC News [Sept. 30]

Bright Ideas: Veteran British criminal John Raymond Searl, 74, wants you to know that he may be a scoundrel, but he's not a pedophile--no matter the rumors. His solution for getting in front of the issue? Go commit another crime, get caught, demand in court that his criminal record be read aloud, smugly point out that there's never been a pedophile offense. The Star (Sheffield)

Gangs of frisky women loose in Zimbabwe! Four men say they were accosted and "raped" (though in Zimbabwe law, only females can be rape victims). Police think it may be part of some ritual. Agence France-Presse via News.com.au (Sydney)

The Association of Chief Police Officers in Scotland issued a modified Hate Crime Guidance Manual overly solicitous of our friends, the "doggers"--heterosexuals who meet anonymously for public sex. Doggers, bless their hearts, are vulnerable to being exploited, which can cause them post-traumatic stress disorder. Poor dears. [ed.: Actually, it's gays having public sex that cops want to be sensitive about; straights are just playing the nondiscrimination angle.] Daily Telegraph (London) /// New York Times [primer on dogging]

So your kids were playing in the yard and failed to graciously invite the neighbor's kids to join them. Then, better get set for two years of vicious feuding, topped off when your daughter, 7, died of Huntington's Disease, and the "shunned" neighbors basically danced on her grave. WJBK-TV (Detroit)

Great Art in Trouble: (1) In Milan, Italy, sculptor Maurizio Cattelan is showcasing the subtle L.O.V.E., which is a large hand with extended middle finger, but he declines to say who he's mad at. (2) "Critic" Kathleen Folden gave a poor review to part of Enrique Chagoya's artwork in The Misadventures of Romantic Cannibals on display in Loveland, Colo.--or at least that portion that features Jesus having sex with a man. Folden ripped up the prints. "How could anyone desecrate my Lord?" she said, as she was led away. BBC News /// The Coloradoan (Fort Collins)

Losers

For centuries, maps served civilization pretty well. Not everyone was an expert map reader, but it wasn't that hard, and there was always the back-up strategy of, y'know, asking directions. Now, there is GPS, and "SatNav." Week before last, a helicopter had to pull Robert Ziegler off a mountain ridge in Switzerland for excessively trusting the SatNav, and last week, a car had to be pulled out of a marsh in eastern Ontario, to which a woman had allegedly been directed by GPS, and a Spanish driver actually Became No More after his SatNav led his car into a reservoir. Daily Mail (London) /// Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News /// Daily Telegraph (London)

Brit Jason Williams was arrested after stealing his next-door-neighbor's curtains and installing them over his own windows (and not having an adequate explanation when the neighbor did a triple-take). Maidenhead Advertiser (Maidenhead, England) [mug shot!] [link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]

While CNN's Rick Sanchez was getting canned stateside, newsreader Paul Henry was suspended from TVNZ in New Zealand for childishness--poking fun at a mixed-ethnic governor and even less maturely butchering the name of Indian official Sheila Dikshit ("dixit"). Herald Sun (Melbourne)

Xavier Ross, 19, wanted on a home invasion warrant, was discovered creating a disturbance in front of police headquarters in Grand Rapids, Mich. (Bonus: There was a display piano on the sidewalk, and Ross was playing, neverendingly, "Chopsticks.") WZZM-TV (Grand Rapids)

(No Longer Weird) Selma Elmore, 44, stopped the police cruiser in Lockland, Ohio. "There aren't any warrants out on me, are there?" (Outcome: Oh, you know the outcome.) Cincinnati Enquirer

Ryan Goethe, 25, went all Joe Pesci when arrested for smacking a teenage girl in Bradenton, Fla. Ryan (I): "I never hit a girl in my life." Later, Ryan (II): "[Once] I slapped a girl when I got kicked in the nuts." Later, Ryan (III): "Yeah, I hit that bitch." (Bonus Observations of Ryan: "If you don't slap a girl back for hitting you in the nuts, you ain't a real nigga [ed.: btw, Ryan is white.]. You are a punk ass bitch . . . You are a sorry ass bitch Oreo f***ing cop if you don't hit a girl back.") (Bonus case-resolution guidance from Ryan: "[My father is the] highest ranking lawyer in the state." My parents volunteer at a "soup kitchen." "My motherf***ing grandpa is a lawyer. You ain't s**t." Finally, Ryan describing the arresting officer: "F*** you cock motherf***ing f***ing prick. I hope you realized that you ain't nothing but a douche bag you f***ing motherf***ing prick.") The Smoking Gun

The Pervo-American Community

Cliches Come to Life: A pastor in Wales, answering a long-ago charge that he forced a 12-year-old girl to touch his pants crotch, shrugged, that, hey, sometimes I carry a banana in my pocket, and that was probably what she felt. Carmarthen Journal

Why is a convicted sex offender with no grandkids at an elementary school Grandparents' Day? And besides, why did he think it was a good idea to bring along his cross-dressing boyfriend? Chattanooga Times Free Press

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Is Daniel Nichols lying, or can't he tell that the 14-year-old girl he had sex with wasn't 18? Press-Citizen (Iowa City)

Charles King might have set fire to his apartment, to retaliate against his landlord. Your call. Las Vegas Sun

Vampires in Chandler, Ariz.? A man said he was stabbed because he wouldn't hold still again so that another man and his girlfriend could resume sucking his blood. KSAZ-TV (Phoenix)

Defrauding the federal TARP program seems like a complicated undertaking. Does Charles Antonucci Sr. look like he's got it in him? Examiner.com

Below The Fold

"Low Blow Morales: Bolivian President Knees [Soccer] Opponent in Groin" (No Secret Service protection needed in La Paz.) The Guardian (London) [video!]

(Sounds Like a Joke) "Woman on [Mobility] Scooter Chases Husband Around Greensburg Wendy's" WPXI-TV (Pittsburgh)

(Recurring Themes) The American Postal Workers Union election in Washington, D.C., was delayed last week because ballots were lost in the mail. And a 22-year-old pedestrian in Macomb Township, Mich., was fatally struck by a hearse, so, y'know, just . . .. Fox News /// WDIV-TV (Detroit)

Editor's Notes

Finally, a couple of Yahoo! time-wasters: World's Strangest Vending Machines, and the Top 10 Weird Festivals. And once again, Weird 2.0 tomorrow. Cheers.

Newsrangers: Christopher Nalty and Kathryn Wood, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors