Monday, March 14, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 14, 2011
(datelines March 5-March 12) (links correct as of March 14)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

From Yr Editor

Pro Edition's quality is in part dependent on the inspirational quality of the news (up or down) each week. There are weeks in which "the news" crushes even the most cynical people. You may notice that here from time to time.

Things To Worry About This Week

Live Free Lucky or Die: Martin Hardy, 91, newly elected state representative from Barrington, N.H., right away balked at all that taxpayer money going to mental health treatment. "[T]he world is being inherited [sic] by too many defective people" ["drug addicts, mentally ill, the retarded"]. "I believe if we had a Siberia, we should send them to this, and they would all freeze and die, and we will be rid of them." Foster's Daily Democrat (Dover, N.H.)

Comfy fabric seats are supposed to increase mass-transit ridership, but a San Francisco State University biologist examined local transit trains' seats. She tends to use the word "fecal" a lot. In the future? Psst! "Plastic"! New York Times

"Lady, in our courthouse, we don't permit monkeys--even if they're small enough that you can keep one inside your bra cup." Lynchburg News & Advance (Lynchburg, Va.)

Greatest Threat to Planet Earth (continued) [Reminder: It's "ignorance"]: Ronald Renken, 66, was arrested in Austin, Minn., on several bunko-scheme charges after successfully selling people access to a satellite that would beam down cures for various maladies. KIMT-TV (Mason City, Iowa)

Update: The Buffalo, N.Y., Muslim who was setting up a TV station to run programs to dispel negative stereotypes of Islam was sentenced to 25 years for beheading his wife. (Nothing to do with Islam, though, except that he said she bossed him around like a "terrorist training camp.") Fox News

♫ I Got Rhy ♪ . . . . . . . .thm: A 23-year-old man named Mathieu was diagnosed as being, allegedly, the first person found to suffer "beat" deafness. Discovery Channel News

Win-Win: Israeli rabbis launch an initiative to get gay men married off to lesbians! Haaretz

A fender-bender slipped into road rage and gunfire, but, as shooter David Bush pointed out, give him credit because even though he shot the guy, he went the extra mile by making sure not to kill him. WPXI-TV (Pittsburgh, Pa.)

Republicans mustn't cut funding for the National Endowment for the Humanities, said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, of Nevada. After all, that might jeopardize Nevada's annual Cowboy Poetry Festival. Politico.com

"Wife Flies Cross-Country to Seek Revenge on Husband" . . and by "seek revenge," we mean "break into his girlfriend's clothing stash and cut the crotch out of all pants and panties." Chicago Tribune

News from Oz: In one of New South Wales's "top nursing homes," some nurses operate "Genital Friday Club." At least two have been fired. Daily Telegraph (Sydney)

Britain's Circus of Horrors has an international track record for grossing people out. In fact, you rarely get to see "Circus of Horrors" and "Oxford University" used in the same news bite. Metro (London) /// Circus of Horrors [Not Safe For Work]

Dueling 911 Calls: Homeowner called to report an intruder using his shower . . at about the same time the man in the shower, fearing that the homeowner has a gun, called 911, himself. (Bonus: Slow learner: Two days later, shower man was arrested stealing from a Walmart in the next state.) The Oregonian /// KVAL-TV (Eugene, Ore.)

The Well-Crafted Lede: "Sheepish scientists refer to it as a tail, but the appendage dragging behind the male frog [that was] recently discovered in Mendocino County is no tail." Like, 4,998 out of 5,000 frog and toad species don't have penii at all so meet the coastal tailed frog, which needs one to deliver the goods in the muck. San Francisco Chronicle

Did you know that a person could really be vaporized? It says here that, according to the CEO of the power company in Christchurch, New Zealand, if you were to touch the main core of their big power line, which carries 66,000 volts, you and the surrounding matter for 20 feet on all sides would disappear. Dominion Post (Wellington)

Losers

People With Issues: Miljenko Bukovic, a newspaper vendor in Chile, is an adult (measured in accumulated years), but his chest, back, and arms are almost totally covered . . with 82 portrait tattoos of Julia Roberts. Daily Mail (London)

Intra-Nerd-Community Crime: A unnamed teenager was arrested in Southfield, Mich., after attempting to rob a comic-book store with a fake bomb. WJBK-TV (Detroit)

The Pervo Community

Thomas Cavender begged the judge, Please release me from the Sex Offender Registry. How can I conduct my evangelical ministry if people keep seeing my name up there? Gaston Gazette (Gastonia, N.C.)

Crusader Fred Skelton, 78, was unconvincing to a Manitoba judge. He claimed his child-porn collection was just the bookmarking of offensive sites so he could report them to the porn tip line. (In fact, he was so conscientious that he started doing it four years before the tip line was set up.) Canoe.ca

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


There's a story behind David Davis's arrest for assault, but . . not now. [It's not quite an Afro; it's a half-fro.] Stamford Advocate

F-Stater Joseph Florence was arrested for trying to beat up on a police officer . . ineptly, apparently. WFTV (Orlando)

There are several theories on how to project innocence in a mug shot if you get caught doing something bad, but Robert Burdette, accused of burglary, is unaware of them. Sarasota Herald Tribune

Editor's Notes

Slate.com published a remembrance by a high-school buddy of a fella who recently made the weird news, big-time. Really, imagine someone in your own lifetime . . who went on to such an achievement as . . being arrested with a 30-item rectal inventory. Slate.com

Newsrangers: Sam Ronda, Hal Dunham, Peter Hine, Ryan Parker, Carl Hayden, and Paul Sethre, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors