Monday, May 09, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 9, 2011
(datelines April 30-May 7) (links correct as of May 9)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

How Geeks Show Passion, Plus the Performance of a Lifetime

From Yr Editor

Hi. Welcome to another edition of "I need a few days off." I promise to return to excellence in the very near future.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Other Shoe Drops in Online Physical Sensuality: If they can arrange fondling (i.e., sending vibrations over the Internet to your significant other who has chosen to receive them in certain spots, with a special wand), then surely they can simulate tongue-kissing. You put the straw-like thingie in your mouth, hooked up to the computer, and your sweetie sends a signal that simulates a tongue plunging. Tokyo's Kajimoto Laboratory is the one that thought this was important. CNN via KVVU-TV (Las Vegas)

The Coming War Against Playing "Doctor": Authorities in Grant County, Wis., want to file "first-degree sexual assault" "charges" against a 6-year-old boy after he was caught feeling up a 5-year-old girl who had her pants down. It's not to punish him, they say, but to force parents to haul him off for counseling, under penalty of law. He may be a sex offender waiting to happen, or not. We don't know . . because he's 6 years old. Wisconsin State Journal

Aural Sex (I): Ellenbeth Wachs, 48, of Lakeland, Fla., had had enough of the urchin next door playing basketball near her window and, thinking outside the box, she settled on a strategy of encouraging his parents to intervene better. To achieve that, she began a campaign of moaning loudly as if she were having one orgasm after another. At press time, the neighbor was seeking a judicial order to protect his little buttercup from this sexual "assault." The Ledger (Lakeland)

Aural Sex (II): You buy a condo, and you find out before moving in that your next-door neighbor is (1) the politest guy in town and (2) an S&M leather freak who entertains late at night, very expressively, like wall-bangingly expressively. He gently, sincerely begs your pardon in advance but says that's the way it's going to be. Can you back out of the contract? BizJournals.com

Absurdities

Great Moments in Tackiness: An elementary school teacher in Columbus, Ohio, is gone ("resignation accepted") after being caught lying about her income in order to get her own two kids subsidized school lunches. Associated Press via Ohio.com

Homeless Charles Mader was arrested in Albuquerque because he's a registered sex offender and failed to submit a change of address when he moved out his Dumpster (where he had been registered) to a shelter. Associated Press via New York Times

Sounds Like a Joke: Gangbanger Brenda Lee, 45, rounded up some homies and stabbed a group of deaf-mutes having a good time at a bar. Yes. Lee thought some of their signing was hand signals from a rival gang. (Seriously.) (Bonus Buried Lede: Hallandale Beach, Fla., has gangbangers.) New York Daily News

Losers

Dexter White, of North Charleston, S.C., has synthesized three loser characteristics. He needs crack, he got short-changed when he bought some, and he called 911 thinking cops could help him get the deal squared away. WECT-TV (Charleston)

David Williams, 23, was arrested at a convenience store after walking up to a cop that he thought he recognized and asking him if he'd ever arrested Williams before. (Answer: No) Of course, on running his name, the cop discovered an active warrant and arrested him. (Bonus: . . in the town of Surprise, Ariz.!) Arizona Republic

Two women, ages 23 and 25, fighting one morning around 8 a.m. after an all-night drinking session, settled on a mature course of action by agreeing to go ask a cop which one of them was in the right. They both drove to a nearby state police building . . where they were promptly arrested for DUI. St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Oh! Dear!

Colombian "performance artist" John Jairo Villamil was on stage doing his impression of how crowded and stultifying Bogotá is, with a stack of bills in one hand and a plant leaf in the other, with his feet in a bucket of water, and a plastic bag around his head. According to friends and family, he had done the piece before without accidentally killing himself, but . . .. HispanicallySpeakingNews.com (Chicago)

It says here . . "reportedly" . . that managers at two factories in China that make parts for Apple devices are requiring workers to sign pledges . . that they won't kill themselves. At least 14 people in the last 16 months have (while working on Apple stuff) taken The Only Way Out, and numerous others have tried to do that but failed. Daily Mail (London)

The Pervo-American Community

Cops knocked, and John Kohler, 61, being investigated for exposing himself in front of a child, welcomed them in while he searched for his ID. John must have forgotten that he had lots of child porn taped up on the walls. Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.)

(Seattle Post-Intelligencer headline) "Court Date Moved for Man Charged with Faceplant in Women's Buttocks" Actually, complaints had come in from several women. A guy apparently rushes them from behind and snuggles their cheeks. Seattle Post-Intelligencer

In South Charleston, W.Va., Mark Thompson was charged with stealing a goat and killing it, thus getting blood all over the bra and panties he was wearing. Is there anything that "bath salts" (actually, methylenedioxypyrovalerone) can't make a man do? WCHS-TV (Charleston)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


There are people who drop child porn off at Wal Mart to be developed and printed. Dustin Hill, 27, might be one. WCHS-TV (Charleston)

Selections from The Smoking Gun last week included the guy charged with domestic assault (even though his "victim" obviously turned the perp into her bitch), and this person of questionable gender, and this person, who will severely test your ability to determine guilt.

Updates & Recurring Themes

The U.S. Supreme Court has weighed in (by ignoring her) on that Texas high school cheerleader who was booted off the squad for refusing to cheer for the boy athlete who she says raped her. [There is no sorta "conscience exception," where you can sit out a specific, personal cheer. If you're on the squad, the lower court ruled, it's apparently very important that you cheer for every single player. Extremely important. More important than you could ever know! And now, the Supremes, 5-4, say, "Ehh, whatever."] Associated Press via SFGate.com

Newsrangers: Pete Randall, Sandy Pearlman, Paul Peterson, Randy Coulter, Doug Kaufman, Gerard Zavaski, David Werner, Steve Dunn, Gerald Sacks, and Jeff Able, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors