Monday, July 25, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 25, 2011
(datelines July 16-July 23) (links correct as of July 25)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Inelegant American Justice, Plus Satan in Your Mucus and the Great Tonsil

★ ★ ★ ★!

Wrong Place, Wrong Time: First, there's this guy, minding his own business when his neighbor tells police that he sees a burglar at our guy's house. Cops respond. Our guy freaks out (gets pepper-sprayed, locks himself in a closet). Judge now says, That'll be six months in jail for resisting arrest (cut to 30 days upon recommendation of the jury). It's Tex-ass; you must co-operate when police wrongfully arrest you in your own home. Then, here's John Gass of Natick, Mass., who is representative of the growing group of Bay State drivers firmly (but wrongly) identified as scofflaws by facial recognition software. [It'll get worse; get used to it.] And finally, you have this Georgia woman and her three kids, crossing the street (perhaps jaywalking, perhaps not), banged into by a hit-and-run driver, killing the woman's 4-year-old. It's already awful for her, but the prosecutor then administers the coup de grâs, charging her with second-degree vehicular manslaughter (a felony) because she jaywalked (a misdemeanor) with her kids. She faces a tougher sentence than the three-time hit-and-run driver. (Seriously.) [The woman? African-American--why do you ask?] Lufkin Daily News /// Boston Globe /// Atlanta Journal-Constitution [July 14]

Update: That Cute White Supremacist Girl Group: Prussian Blue (twin blonde singers Lamb and Lynx Gaede, then age 13), at one time the toasts of NOTW [Weirdnuz 930, 12-30-2005], are now 19, and they're sorry 'bout all that Aryan stuff. They are still tight with their Hitler-admiring mother-manager, April, who thinks the girls' diversity/rainbow obsession is just a phase. Lamb and Lynx are also fairly sickly but are toughing it out . . with medical marijuana! The Daily

Further Substantiating the Big-Stuff Theory: Researcher Tatu Westling of the University of Helsinki might have started his study as a hoot, but he now takes it more seriously. If you chart countries' economic growth rates against their average penis lengths, there's a decent correlation for concluding that "smaller" nations obviously try harder while "larger" nations might be resting on their laurels. (Also last week, DailyCaller.com trotted out an evergreen on federal spending--ongoing work using National Institutes of Health grants to learn how gay men with big stuff differ from gay men with smaller stuff.) The Atlantic /// Daily Caller

American Gothic: Small towns are so cute, the way they do things, like the city council of Gould, Ark. (pop. 1,100), which thinks it's OK to require people forming any kind of group to first get their permission. New York Times

Return of the 1980s' Scary Monster: Jason? Michael Myers? No, it's the Daycare Molester (dormant since almost all of the celebrated cases of the 1980s died of prosecutorial embarrassment). He's back, in the person of "Mr. Bob" Adams, principal and owner of Creative Frontiers in Citrus Heights, Calif., who stands accused of improperly feeling up at least 10 kids over the last 15 years. ABC News

Absurdities

New Jersey law counts behavior "to degrade or humiliate" in its definition of "sexual" contact, so when a 14-year-old bully held a younger punk down and dragged his bare butt over the punk's face, i.e., "horseplay," he's now a "sex offender" . . for life. Star-Ledger (Newark)

Among possible reasons for a federal worker's having to give up his job, "death by natural causes" is five times more likely than "fired for poor performance." USA Today

Illinois inmate Johnathan Pinney, 26, filed a federal lawsuit against the state and the feds for repeatedly, wrongly arresting him over the years. For all to be forgiven, he wrote, the judge needs to award him uninhabited land so that he can start his own country. WBBM Radio (Chicago)

At least according to one guard at the Contemporary Jewish Museum in San Francisco, There's no lesbian hand-holding! The exhibit the handholders were viewing was by the late lesbian artist Gertrude Stein. (Bonus: In the F State, though, Lesbians 1, Straights 0. It's a major felony to boff someone without disclosing your HIV-positive status. However, in Florida, "sexual intercourse" can only be between a man and a woman; thus, these-here HIV-spreading lesbians go free.) San Francisco Chronicle /// Sarasota Herald-Tribune

Can't Possibly Be True: There's actually a Guinness Book record for largest tonsil ever removed (2.1 inches by 1.1 inches by 0.7 inch thick). The proud overachiever is Mr. Justin Werner. Associated Press via Wichita Eagle

To comply with federal law, the District of Columbia must have at least one federally licensed gun dealer (to handle lawful transfer purchases from other states), but the last surviving D.C. dealer lost his lease and can't find alternate space because D.C. zoning laws make it hard to be a gun dealer. However, the D.C. police, as part of a newfound good-neighbor policy, have rented him store space inside police headquarters . . and for $100 a month. Washington Times

The End Game: It doesn't get more basic than this. Salvador Pachuca of Bryan, Tex., saw an image of the Virgin Mary and now believes his life has been blessed by this "miracle." The Virg appeared on his truck's rearview mirror . . in the mosaic of splatter from the rear end of a flyover bird. KBTX-TV (Bryan) via KWTX-TV (Waco)

Losers

DIY Masterpieces: (1) This guy siphoned gasoline with an electric leaf blower (because he was worried someone was putting sugar in his girlfriend's car's tank) (keyword: "electric," as in "sparks"). (2) This-here guy set out to cremate his dog but somehow set his house on fire. (Bonus: A week later, the dog's still lying there.) BayNews9 (Tampa-St. Petersburg) /// WJLA-TV (Washington, D.C.)

Jared Madeiros, 21, was found in distress in Ceres, Calif., and rescued. By "in distress," I mean he fell into a storm drain, head first, with only his feet and lower legs visible. Modesto Bee

Two fellas, ages 21 and 22, broke into a police van in Radnor, Pa., to take pictures of themselves pretending to be under arrest, but naturally they locked themselves inside by accident. They called 911 and were rescued, and then re-locked-up. PhillyNews.com

Oh! Dear!

Penal Code Reform: A local court in a village near Dhaka, Bangladesh, found a man, 30, guilty of kidnaping and marrying an underage girl, and the punishment was to walk around naked in the village with a brick tied to his stuff. Agence France-Presse via Evil Empire [news.com.au (Sydney)]

The Pervo-American Community

Sounds Like a Joke: Jerry Prieto, 38, was arrested in Benton County, Wash., for soliciting men's room sex. Police say there were sex messages and an arrow drawn on the floor, from a felt-tipped pen, pointing to Prieto's stall. (Bonus: He was found in a "modified yoga pose.") Seattle Weekly

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Here's Matthew Miranda. 24, of West Haven, Conn., who might possibly have taken a neighbor's car without permission and rammed her above-ground swimming pool. Possibly. Hartford Courant

And here's Joseph Zeock, 61, charged--just charged, mind you--in Woodstock, Ga., with a sexual encounter that was consensual right up to the part where the woman gets set on fire. Atlanta Journal-Constitution

And here are Wilma Mannella, 53, and her son Joshua, 24, who were charged after they relocated to St. Charles, Ill. Their new digs are too close to a daycare facility (seeing as how they're both registered sex offenders). Chicago Tribune

From last week's Smoking Gun collection . . this latest in male arrestee hair fashion. The Smoking Gun

Editor's Notes

ABC News was there in East Aurora, N.Y., with video of a typical deliverance service of the Agape Bible Fellowship, in which Pastor John commands the demons to leave believers' bodies from whatever avenues they are using (tattoos, hemorrhoids, etc.). It usually gets messy as the afflicted hock their mucus and throw-up into church-supplied barf bags. (Snot and pus also accepted; Satan is sneaky that way.) Services always end with some congregants (apparently demon-free that week) holding the possessed ones down on the floor as they spit and cough and moan for the spirits to GTFO. ABC News

Yr Editor hasn't seen it, but it says here, on Salon.com, that Summer's Eve (the freshen-it-up people) has a new series of video ads on the "power" of the "V": "Over the ages, and throughout the world, men have fought for it, even died for it. One might say it's the most powerful thing on earth." "Hail to the V!" Indeed. Salon.com

Newsrangers: Perry Levin, Peter Hine, Steve Dunn, and Garry Swaffar, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors