Monday, August 01, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 1, 2011
(datelines July 23-July 30) (links correct as of August 1)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Affirmative Action 2.0, Plus Nuts with Washers and a Non-"Skinny Mini"

★ ★ ★ ★!

McGehee, Ark. (pop. 4500), Time-Travels to the 1950s: McGehee High School calculations showed that a black girl earned valedictorian honors. However, McGehee officials, thinking on their feet to avoid what one official was caught calling a "big mess," decided that the highest-scoring white student should be elevated to "co-valedictorian." [ed.: Any time a black student is "co-" anything good with a white student in the South, the assumption is that it is the black student who got boosted. Thus, the black student here loses twice.] (Bonus: On the other hand, how can ya sympathize with the black student here, having a mother, Mrs. Wimberly, who named her daughter Kimberly?) (Double Bonus: Kimberly kicked butt, GPA-wise, even though she gave birth her junior year.) ABC News

Where Security Guards Run Free: According to this lawsuit, this Alabama shopper proved she paid for the $2.99 chicken necks, and eventually the "assistant manager" agreed, but the security guard overruled and called police and Immigration. The shopper's whole life soon fell apart. (Bonus: The shopper had video at the register to back her up--plus, she was a Walmart employee, and still . . ..) Courthouse News Service

An Inconvenient Trial: Evidence abounds that the breathalyzer-type machines that cops administer are quite imperfect. How do we know that's true, say, in Montana? Well, the test was challenged sorta-successfully (hung jury) by a kinda-tipsy Billings police officer. Thus, she gets only a speeding ticket, and every future drunk driver in Montana gets a ticket to ride. Billings Gazette

Absurdities

Good to Be an Inmate: A phone company glitch at the jail in Tavares, Fla., gave "double your money back" on unfulfilled phone calls--enough for at least one inmate to pay his bail. Orlando Sentinel

City officials in Sioux City, Iowa, wanted to see the internal documents the Postal Service consulted when it decided to close its regional mail processing center there. (USPS: "Sure, Sioux City, but under the Freedom of Information Act, that'll be $831,000, please.") Sioux City Journal

The Mexican Beltran Leyva cartel's premier early-teen throat-slitter, Edgar Jimenez Lugo (now 15), was convicted of four murders and sentenced to, er, three years in Mexican juvie. (Bonus: He was born in San Diego, has no U.S. rap sheet, and will likely breeze by Customs when he is released.) Houston Chronicle

In 2009 Diane Schuler, with an 0.19 reading, drove the wrong way for two miles on a New York freeway, finally ramming someone, killing three plus herself. Now comes husband Daniel, suing New York state for causing all that tragedy because it failed to put up enough "hey, you're going the wrong way" signs. The Daily Cortlandt (Cortlandt, N.Y.)

Losers

Inebriated driver Patrick Rexroat, who had just taken out another driver in a road-rage response, emerged from his car ferally pounding his chest. When informed that the other guy was dead, Rexroat shrugged. He was jailed on $1 million bond. KOMO-TV (Seattle)

"Catch me if you can. I'm in Brooklyn." So wrote (on Facebook) domestic violence suspect Victor Burgos. Soon after, he was, and they (U.S. Marshals and NYPD) did. New York Daily News

Rachel Avila, 30, finding what she thought was a novelty cigarette lighter (4 inches long, shaped like a derringer) in front of her home, tried to light a cigarette with it, and ricocheted a shot into her daughter's arm. Press-Enterprise (Riverside, Calif.)

Dumped-boyfriend Jordan Cardella, 20, thought the best way to win her back was with sympathy, which would surely come if he were shot by street thugs. He arranged for pals to shoot him (three slugs in the back, one in the arm). He was hospitalized, but she never showed. (Bonus: The shooters and Cardella were of course charged with crimes.) Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

A driving school student accidentally crashed into the DMV office in Roseville, Calif. Even worse, Samantha Rodriguez, 21, DUI, crashed into police headquarters in Weslaco, Tex. Sacramento Bee /// KRGV-TV (Brownsville)

Oh! Dear!

If you hear, "I'm not a skinny-mini miss thing, and I have that middle-age spread," you sorta know what the Walmart customers had in mind when they asked management to get shopper Sandy McMillin to put a shirt on over her bikini top and hot pants. However, she's also legally disabled from various motorcycle accidents, and thus may ultimately win the right to gross out. Register-Guard (Eugene, Ore.)

One of America's scariest-looking men, white-supremacist Curtis Allgier, apparently has a soft spot for the lovely Hispanic-Hawaiian Erica Herrera and will marry her next Monday through the glass at Utah State Prison Daily Mail (London)

Nationally known child shrink James Schaller, 50, is in trouble in Naples, Fla., over the clash of his twin obsessions: child psychiatry and guns ("I will blow your head off," he said, perhaps therapeutically, to a 14-year-old neighbor.) Naples Daily News

The Pervo-Australian Community

In Australia, Melbourne Fire Brigade commander Peter Egan warned men to just be more careful. "Washers on penises and rings stuck on penises we get once or twice a year,'' he said. "In my 39 years I have seen about half a dozen of them." "People do stupid things.'' (Why, there was another one in Melbourne a week ago Friday!) Evil Empire (news.com.au)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Nathan Buckles, 28, in Boise, Idaho, for a high school reunion, was charged with a theft while there. Perhaps painting his hair red was a "school spirit" thing. Idaho Statesman

Christopher Sipe, 26, of Sheboygan, Wis., certainly looks like the kind of guy to slap his girlfriend's two boys, ages 6 and 8, for letting his pet frog escape. Sheboygan Press

Andrew Anderson, 33, is no one to mess with, especially when alcohol just caused a single-vehicle accident (i.e., his mo-ped). Salisbury Post (Salisbury, N.C.)

Joseph Hunter, 21, arrested on a domestic violence complaint, perhaps was apprehended in the middle of a head-hair fashion renovation. The Smoking Gun

Editor's Notes

If the gloriously insane Mr. Anders Behring Breivik goes to prison for the 76 murders (in Norway, that has to be worth at least a 5- to 10-year sentence), he may face the hardship of the notoriously luxurious Halden "lockup," which is shown on these web pages. (News of the Weird reported in 2007 [NOTW M023, 9-16-2007] that 20 percent of the convicted criminals in Norway who are given reporting dates for prison simply do not show up--undoubtedly due in part to the fact that there's no law in Norway separately punishing people for not showing up.) Time.com /// Foreign Policy

Here's one mother who wasted no time getting abs back into shape after childbirth! In fact, three childbirths! In fact, this mother is ripped! It's Thomas Beatie, the partially-male U.S. tranny who made history in 2007 when she got knocked up the first time. Daily Mail (London)

Yr Editor apologizes for the 2009 story included last week as a 2011 story. If I had been in my right mind, at least two different markers would have alerted me that it was not a current story. As far as I know there have been no Virgin-Mary-in-Bird-Poo stories since 2009.

Newsrangers: Jim Colucci, Alan Magid, Michael Ravnitzky, Mike Nassour, and Sandy Pearlman, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors