Monday, August 15, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 15, 2011
(datelines August 6-August 13) (links correct as of August 15)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

B-Team Americans Become A-Team Africans, Plus Bats' Rights and the Horror of Cleavage Wrinkles

★ ★ ★ ★!

I Was Just a New York State Bureaucrat, But Suddenly . . I Was . . Yeah, Prime Minister of Somalia! . . Yeah, That's the Ticket--Prime Minister of Somalia!: Cubicle-bound Transportation Department desk jockey Mohamed A. Mohamed of Buffalo is just back from a sabbatical in Somalia, where he was indeed the Prime Minister for nine months. He says he worked hard but that there was little he could do except get his picture taken with world leaders and avoid getting killed. He's back in Buffalo now. (And two other New Yorkers, Isaac and Elizabeth Osei, who run a maximum-stress 50-taxi company in the city, left for their periodic duties in Ghana, where Isaac is Chief of the Okwamu people and will begin mediating the disputes that have backed up in his absence. Elizabeth has first-lady duties. "[In] Africa, I have to worship him," she says. "When [we] get back, he has to worship me.") Buffalo News /// New York Times

Rhiannon Brooksbank-Jones Is Destined to Be a Very Popular Woman: The college student, obsessed with South Korean culture, will surely impress the locals when she eventually moves there from the UK, mainly because she took a radical measure to overcome deficient Korean-speaking, which shows respect for the country. She'll also impress the randy lads because the "radical measure" involved having her tongue surgically lengthened so she could pronounce the Korean "L" better. Daily Mail (London)

Chutzpah: Deadbeat, Abusive Dad Suddenly Discovers His Precious Family: "[My] client was devastated by what happened," the lawyer said, and that's why he is suing the city of Newburgh, N.Y., for $80 million after his estranged girlfriend committed suicide in a city lake and took the couple's three kids with her. According to friends of the couple, the father never lifted a finger for the kids, owed child support, and constantly roughed up the lady. New York Post

A Present-Day Bonnie Parker: Lee Grace Dougherty, 29, part-time stripper and the guiding light for her two miscreant brothers, led them, AK-47 in hand, on a multi-state crime spree that ended in a Colorado gunfight, with Lee Grace taking one in the leg and all three captured. Brother Ryan started it by freaking out in the F State when a judge sentenced him for turbo-sexting an 11-yr-old girl, and then it was on. Lee Grace's fiancé, math teacher Brendon Bookman, 45, still loves her and wants her to know that he enjoyed their time together and that she enriched his life. ("I've always been able to get her out of tight spots in the past," he said, acknowledging that this time it's grim.) (Bonus: Lee Grace is sorta hot.) TMZ.com (Not Safe for Work slide show)

Pervs on Parade: Seemingly, there was a recent spike in the world's Isolated Freak Testosterone Index. (1) Nicholas Davis was arrested in Seattle, "masturbating violently" in a public park. (Money quote: "There just isn't enough free love in Seattle.") (2) Neighbors filed complaints with the government in Malmo, Sweden, against a neighbor who constantly screams loudly as he masturbates, "louder than an animal," said one. (3) A pre-trial jailer of Warren Jeffs told the Evil Empire's The Daily that Jeffs satisfied himself openly in front of guards, and often (up to 15 times a day). Seattle Post-Intelligencer /// The Local (Stockholm) /// The Daily

Absurdities

Londoners begging to help clean up their 'hoods after last week's tantrums were turned away by police. The government was afraid people might cut themselves on all the broken glass. Daily Telegraph

A 24-yr-old mom in Dallas was accused of forcing her 6-yr-old daughter to video the mom's group-sex encounters on a cell phone camera--three times. Dallas Morning News

The August 6th religio-politcal meeting in Houston featuring Gov. Perry leading the 30,000 in prayer for rain (God still says No) and a better economy for America (ditto) also "required" a seven-hour fast. Caught at the stadium snack bar by a reporter, a righteous fella named Walt Landers said The Lord is so compassionate that He negotiated an "agreement" with Landers that allowed Landers to buy that hot dog. The Texas Tribune

What's Wrong with These People? School bus driver George Daw's boss fired him ("violating company policy") when he stopped to pick up three cops stranded during a violent rainstorm. That somehow "endangered" the one kid still left on the bus. WCBS-TV (New York City)

That brief Federal Aviation Administration shutdown recently was mainly over the $200 million federal boondoggle whereby if you choose to live far enough away from decent-sized towns, and you have an influential-enough Congressman, you can get a puddle-jumping airline to run flights into your town, whether there are passengers needing rides or not, courtesy of the federal budget. For Ely, Nev., and Glendive, Mont., that works out to a federal subsidy to the airline of more than $1,000 per passenger. [ed. I totally swear that there is a town in Montana named Glendive.] Associated Press via Greensboro News-Record

Another Tragedy Averted by American Ingenuity: "Cleavage Wrinkles," which endowed women get from sleeping on their sides and having one breast fold up slightly against the other, creating unsightly vertical creases. [I'm sure the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is on this right now.] Among the ingenious products: La Decollette and ChestSavers (backwards sports bras) and Intima Pillow and the Kush Support, to separate the breasts. New York Times

Losers

The Aristocrats! (1) Two nursing-home assistants were fired for lubing up a couple of dementia patients as a prank on their counterparts working the next shift. (2) The arrestee at a park in Destin, Fla., was ordered to put his hands behind his back for cuffing, but he resisted. "I can't put my hands behind my back because I'm making a bowel movement." And he was. (3) Robert Vietze, 18, was kicked off the U.S. Ski Team's development squad after he, wasted while on a JetBlue flight, failed to make it to the restroom and urinated on an 11-yr-old girl passenger. (4) Owen Kato, 23, was arrested on an existing warrant after police noticed him standing for 10 minutes at a McDonald's entrance, squeezing the pimples on his back. Press Democrat (Santa Rosa, Calif.) via AzCentral.com /// Daily News of Northwest Florida /// New York Post /// Fort Myers (Fla.) News-Press

Oh! Dear!

It's so easy for banks to rip off their customers! Why, I'm a Congressman, and I was helpless when they forced this loan on me--a loan that I have no hope of ever paying off (and therefore, which the bank should eat), and besides I have to get back to D.C. and vote for more budget cuts so America will start to live within its means! Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Australia's "Snakeman" Raymond Hoser outsmarted the police about to charge him with handling venomous snakes too close to spectators. They're not venomous, he said, because I just finished milking them. Here, he said, let me show you . . by having a genuine taipan and a genuine death adder (both of them two-step charlies) nip on my 10-yr-old daughter's arm. (She bled, but she's OK.) Evil Empire

Alison Murray's home in Aberdeen, Scotland, is infested with bats. Obviously they've got to go she's got to go. Bats are protected under UK and European laws. They are precious. (But why?) They can eat 3,000 midges a night, that's why. Alison can move back in November, when the bats hibernate. The Scotsman

The Pervo-American Community

Travis Keen, 28, was arrested for indecent exposure in a Walmart parking lot in Ouachita Parish, La. Keen explained that, hey, when he comes to Walmart, he gets aroused. The Smoking Gun

The First Baptist Church of Venice (Calif.) apparently at some point anointed Demetrius Allen, 28, as a "youth pastor." (Have a look.) The Lord works in strange ways. Los Angeles Times

Daniel Torroll, 56, a music teacher in Spring Hill, Tenn., was arrested near an elementary school laying a lot of love on a doll. It was either a gigantic baby doll or a midget adult doll. WKRN-TV (Nashville)

Methodist pastor Rick Rogers, 46, of suburban Philadelphia, was charged twice with rollicking, Slim Pickens-uninhibited, pants-down, hands-on indecent exposure in his church's music building. Philadelphia Inquirer

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Unclear on the Concept: Jason Dean, 24, having been rebuffed several times making dating inquiries of a young lady, was charged with commandeering said date by handcuffing himself to her in a restaurant parking lot. Times Free Press (Chattanooga)

Cut Jerald Navarre a break on his public intox arrest. When he's sober, supposedly, he roams the streets protecting women as "Captain Save-a-Ho." Iowa City Press-Citizen

You'll probably be unfairly influenced by his face [Not Safe For Work] as to whether Ismael Ambrosio has done anything to deserve his immigration-hold detention. Broward-Palm Beach New Times

As well, you're sure to be unfairly influenced by this perp's face, charged with strong-arm robbery--breaking in, grabbing and punching a disabled man and stealing wallet, cash, and phone. GoUpState.com (Spartanburg, S.C.)

Editor's Notes

In Mexico, Oscar Osvaldo Garcia Montoya, 36, a prolific hit man (n=600, he estimates) for the Beltran Leyva cartel and others, was arrested and is awaiting either his own assassination or a spectacular prison break. Garcia is known as "El Compayito," which is the name of a popular talking hand-puppet character, which itself reminds of the role played by actor Richard Libertini in the 1979 Peter Falk movie The In-Laws. Libertini was a supposedly vicious, powerful general but up close a complete lunatic who speaks only to and with his painted hand. Disconcerting (for a stone-cold killer). Associated Press via Yahoo News

The five most ridiculous items of "murderabilia" (collectors' items from notorious serial killers), as judged by Andy Kahan of Houston, Tex., who thinks y'all should be ashamed of yourselves if you long for this stuff: Ted Bundy's fried hair (yep, which fell off as he was lit up on the F State's Old Sparky); Wayne Lo's semen (collected from one of his favorite pornographic pictures); Arthur Shawcross's pubic hair; John Wayne Gacy's crawlspace dirt (two dozen people bid on it; did it fetch more than those canisters of Derek-Jeter-3,000 clay?); and Angel Maturino Resendez's foot scrapings (from calluses). Philly.com

Newsrangers: Peter Hine, Sandy Pearlman, Pete Randall, Jill Dybka, Scott Stapleton, Peter Smagorinsky, and Jim Dukes, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors