Monday, August 22, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
August 22, 2011
(datelines August 13-August 20) (links correct as of August 22)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Soccer Fans with Happy Endings, Plus An Incompetent Cow and Abu Nancy

From Yr Editor

Yr Editor is taking off next week although on Monday morning, August 29, I will post the same standard News of the Weird column here that was released nationally the day before, on NewsoftheWeird.com.  (However, out of respect that this is the intertubes, the WU version will have links to each source.)  I'll be back here on September 5 with a somewhat-improved Pro Edition.  Somewhat.

★ ★ ★ ★!

An attendance-challenged soccer team in Madrid, Spain, went cutting-edge, with a promo video . . encouraging its fans to . . donate sperm.  ("To make sure we get the best supporter, we have made the first [team] Getafe porn movie," said the narrator.  Daily Mail:  "It cuts to half-naked zombies rolling around on beds who say how important it is to get Getafe back on track.  The footage then goes back to the donor who, with a steely determination, marches down a corridor with fellow fans, into an individual cubicle, to complete his mission."  Daily Mail (London)

Priests at the Basilica of San Salvatore al Monte, in Florence, Italy, concerned that an intruder continues to steal Bibles, brought out the heavy artillery:   a prayer that the thief suffer "a strong bout of the trots [aka the runs]."  Daily Telegraph (London)

The super-committed Lyle Bensley, 18, stayed remarkably in character through his arrest for assault.  He's a vampire.  Alive for "500 years."  "[N]eed[s] to feed."  Made growling and hissing noises as he broke into an apartment and munched on a woman's neck.  Houston Chronicle

Taunting the Tea Party:  In (broke) (worse-off than the federal government) California, the legislature is now taking up a crucial measure passed by the state senate in June to make it unlawful for hotels not to use fitted sheets.  (It was something about housekeepers' complaints to their still-strong union.)   Los Angeles Times

Absurdities

Officials of the Republic School District near Springfield, Mo., treated a special-ed middle-school girl about as badly as school officials can, and there's a lawsuit now.  She said she was raped (2008-09 school year); they investigated; they concluded she made it up; they suspended her and forced her to apologize to the boy; she came back next year and was (she said) promptly raped again by the boy, officials just as promptly didn't believe her again.  This time, though, the boy confessed.  The District isn't finished yet.  In its lawsuit response, it calls the girl's claims against the school "frivolous," that everything was her fault.   Springfield News-Leader

From time to time, this elderly person or that unschooled immigrant falls for the old "let me clean off your money to banish a curse" scam (i.e., while you aren't looking, let me switch it out for this stack of currency-sized blank sheets).  That's "from time to time."  A family of con artists in Florida were indicted last week for running a 20-year-old scheme of money-cleaning that brought them [gasp] $40 million (but also mixed in were "readings" of various types, though those aren't where the real money is).  [Update: Oh, wait!  Half of the $40bn is from one lady.]   ABC News   ///   Orlando Sentinel [that one swindle-ee]

A 42-year-old overweight man apparently committed suicide in New York City by leaping in front of an oncoming subway car.  He was dead even though the collision "bounced" the obese man back onto the platform.   New York Post

Jessica Maple, 12, putting her junior G-man training to use on a break-in at her great-granny's house:  "This is where they broke in," she explained to Atlanta detectives.  (Detectives:  Uh, umm, we were just about to think of that.)  Jessica:  "I found her stuff at a local pawn shop."  (Detectives:  That . . was right there on our To-Do list, check with the pawn shops.)  "I got a confession out of the thieves."  (Detectives:  Yeah, well, of course, it's not official until they confess to us.)  [At press time, the cops still hadn't gotten around to making an arrest.]   WSB-TV

Losers

Child Seat, Schmild Seat:  The babysitter in Daytona Beach just hoisted the baby-bearing stroller into the bed of the Ram truck and held on while her buddy drove around town.  CFNews (Bright House Cable, Orlando)

In Roseville, Mich., a 24-year-old roofer drove through town without benefit of brakes, "stopping" (not very well; he hit four cars) by sticking his foot out the door, Fred-Flintstone-like.  (Bonus:  He was completely sober.)  Detroit Free Press

A thief snatched an idling car in New York City but did not notice at first the two kids and the poodle in the back.  A short time later, the guy gave up, drove the kids home, got out, and made a run for it.  The kids said he was mostly unnerved by the yapping poodle.  WNBC-TV via MSNBC

Emerson Begolly (jihad name, "Abu Nancy"), 22, pleaded guilty to soliciting terrorist acts.  As deftly explained by TPM Muckraker:  "The guilty plea brings an end to a bizarre case that involved a defendant with Asperger's syndrome, a penchant for Nazi paraphernalia, and a love of Law & Order; an arsenal of weapons; a jihadist pen pal; an alleged relationship between Begolly's mother and the FBI agent who arrested him; and an allegation of attempted sexual abuse by a pedophile pastor."  TPM Muckraker

Jared Cano, 17, was busted in Tampa a week before classes started with the means and opportunity to have blown up and shot up his old high school (from which he had been expelled) with Columbine-plus power.  Gawker.com, exploring Jared's Facebook page, found that he knew the jig was up two days before his arrest when a buddy told Jared he checked his available wi-fi connections at home and noticed "FBI SURVEILLANCE VAN" nearby.  Gawker.com

Oh! Dear!

Susanne Eman of Casa Grande, Ariz., seeks the title (and all the status that comes with it) of world's fattest woman.  [NSFStomachs]   Phoenix New Times

Life Imitates Horror Movie (except there's no drowning in an elevator; you're just supposed to crash).   Staten Island Advance

Pervs on Parade

A substantial enclave of pacifist Mennonites who have settled in Bolivia (from Manitoba, Canada) discovered that nine men, led by veterinarian Peter Weiber, 48, used aerosolized cow-tranquilizer, sprayed through open windows at night, to knock out an estimated 130 women and girls (ages 8-60) over a four-year period so they could rape them.  (Seriously.)   Time

Update:  Our most notorious hobbyist castrator Edward Bodkin [NOTW 576, 2-19-1999] was arrested again in Wetumpka, Ala. (previously, Huntington, Ind.), this time on child porn charges after he was caught mailing stuff to institutionalized sex offenders in Massachusetts.  Wetumpka Herald

Physician Narendra Sharma is before a medical board this week in Manchester, England, charged with securing a hand job from an anesthetized abortion patient (under the same principle as when ya sit on your hand to put it to sleep so that . . [Ehhh, I don't need to explain everything to you]).   Daily Mail (London)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Could Aaron Richardson, 67, have completely forgotten that he was married to the other woman?  After all, he had been in prison part of the time.   CBS News via WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Could Shawn Moul be the scariest, most unbalanced stalker you ever heard of (even if the victim did provoke him by . . once helping him with his homework in high school)?   Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Editor's Notes

Yr Editor commenced formally noticing murderers and accused murderers with the middle name of Wayne only in 1995 and can thus be excused for not having earlier noted Mr. Damien Wayne Echols, one of the three West Memphis, Ark., murderers released from prison last week (on manufactured guilty pleas, after only other people's DNA was found at the crime scene). WHBQ-TV (Memphis)

Time-Wasters:  (1) Police in Changsha, China, somehow believe that they can secure greater compliance with traffic laws if they . . put fluorescent vests on . . these downtown statues . . of monkeys.  (2) Least Competent Cow    (3) If Joshua Petty, 25, knew that stealing the copper wire from a substation would disable the power to the Gulf Coast Resort nudist camp in Pasco County, Fla., would he have risked having his mug shot taken while wearing a t-shirt that read "I will not stare at boobies"?  Metro (London)   ///   BBC News   ///   WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Newsrangers:  Paul Catledge, Craig Cryer, and Geoff Egan, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors (Senior Advisors: Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney, and Editorial Advisors: Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).