Monday, October 24, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
October 24, 2011
(datelines October 15-October 22) (links correct as of October 24)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Cooking with Blood (On Purpose, Not, Like, When the Chef Cuts His Finger), Plus More Things to Worry About

★ ★ ★ ★!

"You eat meat, so why not blood," asks The Globe and Mail, describing several Toronto restaurants' favorite sanguinary cuisines. Torta di sanguinaccio, a custard of dark chocolate and slow-tempered blood, cauliflower marinated in pig's blood, spaghetti al nero di maiale, with blood-blackened noodles. You get the picture. The Globe and Mail

A day earlier, New York Times columnist Frank Bruni had recounted various "loopy" instructions received over the years from self-puffed restaurant chefs on how their delicacies should best be enjoyed. The latest (at New York City's Romera) demands various ridiculously subtly-flavored waters to be paired up with various ridiculous dishes. New York Times

London's Daily Mail profiled nurse Melinda Arnold, 34, from Melbourne, Oz, who happened to be born without a womb and will soon get a transplant--donated by her own mother, which means that Melinda's kid will make him/herself at home in the very same uterus that Melinda once inhabited. Daily Mail

"Support Our Troops": The dirty secret is that, for want of $65 apiece, the Pentagon could've helped every male soldier avoid the catastrophic scrotal injuries inflicted by IEDs. There was enough in the budget for colostomy bags, but not for the double-Kevlar-enforced armored underwear. Recall that there were pallets of freshly-minted $100 bills literally thrown at Iraqi locals and opportunistic U.S. contractors, but $65 a head was not doable? Talking Points Memo IdeaLab

Absurdities

Recurring Theme (this time, Canada): An in-hospital injury could not be treated by the staff . . who told the woman who had just then fallen and broken her hip that she'd have to call an ambulance to pick her up and take her around back to their ER. Toronto Star

A plastic surgeon waxed rhapsodic about the intricacies of breast shape . . for professional reasons, of course, but you've got your "upper pole" (and "slope" thereof) of the breast and the "lower pole," and the angle at which the nipple points, at its "meridian," and the "convex lower pole"--. Contrasting View: You know it when you see it. Daily Mail (London)

Take a look at the delightful cover page of the Opinion of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, 10-14-2011, in the case of Adnan Farhan Abdul Latif v. Obama. Oh, wait, it's not the cover page; it's the whole thing. Opinion [pdf] /// Law Fare Blog [background of case]

The Nigerian government suspected a popular actor, "Baba Suwe," of trying to smuggle drugs out of the country and detained him at the airport. Search turned up no drugs. He must've swallowed them. That was over a week ago. At press time, they're still hoping that bowel movement number 4 will turn up what numbers 1, 2, and 3 did not. If it doesn't, they'll wait for bowel movement number 5. Agence France-Presse via Google News

Real Buffalo Bills' fans won't be stopped from searching for free tickets . . just because a radio station promotion has placed them down in a vat of buffalo droppings--just to see how far real fans will go. Yahoo Sports

Losers

A court in Northern Ireland sentenced Paul Moran, 30, to three months in jail for setting a dangerous fire in his row house. He had burned some feces, which he was certain would produce . . gold. Belfast Telegraph

Dale Foughty, 56, was arrested in a robbery attempt at a convenience store in Jacksonville, N.C., despite his intimidating Spider Man mask. The clerk won by jabbing Spider Man in the gut with a broom. Associated Press via Alabama Live

The Pervo-American Community

Boo Boo, 38, was arrested in Chickasha, Okla., for being a weirdo, especially propositioning little girls while naked and slathered in cooking oil. Boo Boo is also known as Joseph Branom. KFOR-TV (Oklahoma City)

Martin Soto, 43, went to the aid of a woman who had fallen in Chandler, Ariz., but the "aid" consisted of licking her knee (and, subsequently, attempting to lick her face). Tucson Citizen

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


From The Smoking Gun's weekly collection: (1) Charged with domestic battery [ed.: and you know how I love hair-fashion risks]. (2) Arrested on a traffic charge [ed. probably on his combine!]

Oh! Dear!

The surveillance video inside St. Patrick's Roman Catholic Church in Winson Green, England, was clear: The guy who stole that valuable church lamp was devout--in that he had crossed himself before he took off with it. Birmingham Mail

Arizona has water shortage. Thus, Arizona ski resort uses recycled sewer water to add to snow coverage. Arizona Hopi Indians: Bad enough the white man uses our sacred land for recreation but now he's putting poop water on it. BBC News

Headline: "Lingerie Football League Wants to Start a Youth League" KING-TV (Seattle)

Below The Fold

Ultra-Orthodox Jews on a rampage over immodesty in Jerusalem: One target is ice-cream shops that sell cones because girls and women go around in public, licking them! Reuters

A district in Maharashtra state in India had a ceremony that allowed girls to legally change their names. This was a big deal because these 285 girls were scourges of Indian society, according to their parents. (That is, the parents had all named the girls "Unwanted.") Associated Press via Yahoo News

In Chicago, an unnamed woman was charged with assaulting her husband by throwing cupcakes at him. (The Tribune's policy of not naming victims of sex crimes apparently also applies to baked-goods crimes.) Chicago Tribune

Cliché Come to Life: Frank Pence, 48, didn't really do this, did he? Really? He extorted money from a food store owner by having the owner leave the cash in a bucket out in an open field (No cops!). Then, hours later, lying-in-wait cops noticed that Frank was using a long, long, long rope that had been mostly buried, and was slowly dragging the bucket across the field. Cincinnati Enquirer

Updates & Recurring Themes

No Longer Weird: Thieves steal scrap metal. Still Weird: They dismantle and steal an entire, 15-ton steel bridge. (Bonus: By the time they got 'er done, steel prices had fallen; they only got $5,100.) Wall Street Journal

Too Soon! A California lady-lady couple has authorized hormone-blocking regimen for their son no, daughter well, boy, who wants to switch up. "Tom"'s 11 now, wants to be "Tammy." CNN [9-27-2011, but other versions appeared last week]

No Longer Weird: "Blind reliance on SatNav," when combined with "Not particularly brilliant at thinking on his feet to begin with," and you get an 18-wheeler driver who wedges himself into an alley (and must spend the night in the cab because he can't get a door open). Daily Mail (London)

Update: The most recent adult (diaper) baby we reported [Pro Edition, 5-23-2011] has theoretically been cleared by the Social Security Administration and does, indeed, qualify for his disability benefits (despite U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn's skepticism, in view of the man's furniture-making skill, e.g., building his own adult-sized crib, etc.). Washington Times /// Washington Times [5-17-2011]

Editor's Notes

Time-Wasters: (1) A 6,810-bottle shelf-collapse at Superior Discount Liquors in Sheboygan, Wis. (2) A Siberian tiger, getting a root canal. (3) An evergreen video display (this one was posted in October 2010) of Mexico's "Island of the Dolls" WISN-TV (Milwaukee) /// AOL News /// WebUrbanist.com

Good to Know: When a long-distance Continental flight suffered a triple-restroom malfunction in flight, passengers had a mighty unpleasant time, and Continental was apologetic. And then, it says here, the passengers were assisted in their criticism by Mr. Robert Brubaker, "of the American Restroom Association, a Baltimore-based advocacy group for toilet users." [Seriously?] Star Tribune (Minneapolis)

Newsrangers: Chris Porter, Jeff Brown, Dan Clark, John Ayer, John Votel, Telaraj Webster, and Jonal McBrien, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors