Monday, November 07, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 7, 2011
(datelines October 29-November 5) (links correct as of November 7)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

An Instant News of the Weird Classic, plus More Things to Worry About

★ ★ ★ ★!

Washington County, Ore., sheriff's Sgt. Dave Thompson: "At some point in your career you say yeah I've seen a lot of bad stuff [but] you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven't seen everything." The "this kind" was a photo series of a 21-year-old woman who wanted to "feel" at "one" with her beloved horse, who had just been humanely put down at age 32. So she and her boyfriend gutted it, and she stripped herself naked and climbed into the innards, sticking out only her head--joyously! There are photos, but you don't want to see them. If you look, and they're OK with you, perhaps it's time for your Risperdal. KOIN-TV (Portland)

Absurdities

America In Decline: An industry group expects Americans to have spent almost $7 billion this year on Halloween--including $310 million on costumes to dress up their pets. [ed.: That sounds high. OK, assume half that. Does that make it not disturbing?] Village Voice /// TheHorse.com

If a cop catches you merely viewing child pornography in the F State (no molesting, no manufacturing, no selling--just looking at pictures), it's maybe a bet worth taking to just kill that only witness . . because the hapless Mr. Daniel Vilca just got life in prison with no chance of parole . . for only looking. He had no priors of anything. (Federal sentencing guidelines: five or six years.) (Another F-Stater, the lucky Robert Murray, similarly situated, last week got only 30 years.) New York Times /// St. Petersburg Times

However, for reassurance that Americans aren't getting too feral on punishment, Michael Peppel, who was convicted of defrauding stockholders, suppliers, and employees of his company by at least $18 million, was sentenced in Dayton, Ohio, to seven years seven months seven days in prison. Dayton Daily News [10-24-2011]

For some reason, prominent German chef Roland Trettl cooked up haute couture to go with his haute cuisine, producing, for example, a tunic of octopus, a miniskirt of seaweed, a trouser suit of lean bacon, a scarf of squid ink pasta, and a head covering woven from lettuce. These items are "provocative and raise questions," said (unironically) the director of the Berlin museum housing them (using live models). Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News

Readers' Choice: Todd Remis has sued his wedding photographer for botching the mementos of the Big Day. Problems: He wants not only the fee back ($4,100) but enough money to recreate the entire ceremony (including airfare for all guests) / He waited six years to sue / It was eight years ago / And the couple have been divorced for a while now (and she moved back to her native Latvia). (Bonus: It's already been in litigation for two years, with the meter running.) New York Times

Losers

Authorities estimate that there are about 125 clandestine tunnels under the U.S.-Mexico border, for smuggling drugs and Mexicans. One of them, south of San Diego, mysteriously filled up with sewage, trapping some folks. Rule Of Thumb: Any time you do something that requires you to be "hosed off," you're a Loser. KNSD-TV (San Diego)

More Tales of the Passive-Aggressive Lovelorn: To win a lady's affection, Robbie Suhr, 48, had the idea that he would put on a disguise, kidnap her, tie her up, and leave . . and then return in short order without the disguise, to rescue her. Imperfect. WTMJ-TV (Milwaukee)

The Pervo-American Community

John Marshall, 56, pleaded no contest in Torrance, Calif., to raping his unconscious boyfriend and . . shaving his body hair. Associated Press via WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)

No charges were filed against Washington schoolteacher David McMillen, but he agreed to retire quietly after someone spotted his camera underneath a desk, aimed upward at skirt level. KIMA-TV (Yakima, Wash.)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


A woman was charged with stabbing a man, but the woman's after-crime helper is the better Jury Duty test: Harold Comer, 59, the world's oldest Justin Bieber devotee. Greensboro (N.C.) News-Record

What kind of woman gets bargained down to $17 for sex? Possibly, Janet Overdurf. Northwest Florida Daily News

Michael Selleneit, 53, might have had to shoot his neighbor because the neighbor had raped Selleneit's wife and threatened to kill Selleneit. Or . . since the rape and threat were only delivered "telepathically," maybe the shooting was unwarranted. Salt Lake Tribune

Pasco County (just north of Weird Central in Tampa) has the highest concentration of nudist resorts in the world so it is not surprising that, say, someone might stage a zombie-fied attack at H'ween. It might have been Kevin Fearn. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Oh! Dear!

Here's a cabinet official on a magazine cover in thigh boots and a rubber dress. (No, not Hillary. Not even Condi, from Kadhafi's collection. It's Romania's Minister of Tourism.) Daily Mail (London)

Below The Fold

"Husband Secretly Fed Wife Steroids So She Would Pile On Weight And Stay At Home To Look After The Children" Daily Mail (London)

"Serial Killer Writes Book For Children" (the Canadian murderer Charles Kembo, who likes "to write in semi-darkness, alone in the nude") The Province (Vancouver)

"Defendant Loses Right To A Lawyer After Allegedly Stabbing 3 Of Them With Pencils Or Pens in Court" The Herald (Everett, Wash.)

"Three-Eyed Fish Caught Near Argentinian Nuclear Power Plant" Inhabitat.com

Updates & Recurring Themes

It says here that Mr. Thomas Beatie is tying his tubes after bearing three kids for his wife Nancy. ABC News

Here come the "Sovereigns" again. An F State sheriff obtained an arrest warrant for one, Jacob Dyck, who was filing spurious deeds against dozens of unsuspecting homeowners who were not properly versed in the Dyckian version of the U.S. Constitution. More seriously, four Social Security recipients, educated way beyond their intelligence, were arrested for plotting a Timothy McVeigh-style event against the evil government. St. Petersburg Times via The Ledger (Lakeland, Fla.) /// Atlanta Journal-Constitution

PETA checked in with its annual snit over the "Mullet Toss" in Terra Ceia, Fla., where competitors pitch dead fish into a distant toilet. This is said to be "disrespectful" to the mullet. WWSB-TV (Sarasota)

Finally, another heartwarming "fecal transplant" story (cue up the "gladly takes s**t from his wife" jokes)! Jerry Grant had a horrible case of the runs, plus bleeding, because C.diff bacteria had wiped out the "good" bacteria in his colon. The amazingly effective remedy: having some of his wife's healthier caca jammed up him with a colonoscope. Sweet science! Huffington Post

Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood, Craig Cryer, Jessica Binns, Steve Dunn, Norman Meluch, and Sandy Pearlman, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).