Monday, November 28, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 28, 2011
(datelines November 19-November 26) (links correct as of November 28)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Refining the Boredom Art Form, Plus More Things to Worry About

★ ★ ★ ★!

James Ward's Boring conference in London sold out this year.  2010's inaugural ennui-a-palooza [NOTW M198, 1-23-2011] had such intellectual dynamite as a PowerPoint presentation of the color and materials of a man's neckwear collection from one year to the next and another sponsoring a milk-sampling, using wine glasses, measuring taste and smoothness.  This year's highlight:  a seminar on the square root of two.  The Independent

Need to be fashionable?  Fine.  Identify with sub-mainstream cultures?  Groovy.  Tell the world's squares you're not like them?  Check.  How about if all that involved building a three-inch-wide  three-eighths-inch-wide hole in your ear lobe to stick tokens in or hang stuff from?  In that case, perhaps it's time for you to give Saphris® a try.  In the UK, "ear-stretching" is on the rise, and while most open up just slightly more than with ordinary ear-piercing, there are "gauge-queens/kings." who keep widening the hole over time until . . well . . peek-a-boo!  Soon, of course, the Now-Why-Did-I-Do-That? industry will be coming to the rescue (the most complex ear surgeries of which can run up to £8,000 [$12,350]).  BBC News

That woman who climbed inside the dead horse [Pro Edition, 11-7-2011] has been outdone--sort of.  What if you did that sort of thing for a living?  An otherwise-upbeat Washington Post  dispatch from Kabul, on how U.S. contractors are helping Afghans to upgrade their businesses, mentioned the poor state of the country's slaughterhouses.  "Butchers wore sandals as they hacked away at animals . . just [cutting] off pieces with no rhyme or reason."  "One slaughterhouse employee, a dwarf, was responsible for climbing inside the water buffalo carcasses to cut out their colons."  Washington Post

The Area of His Expertise:  District of Columbia Councilman Marion Barry complained that it's not enough that job recruiters in the notoriously inefficient D.C. bureaucracy are forbidden to ask applicants about any criminal record they may have.  He has proposed extending the restriction to private employers, too, i.e., if you've done your time for those bank robberies, hey, that part of your life is none of the recruiter's damn business.  (Once a boss has made the bank robber an offer, then he can ask about a rap sheet.)  Washington Post

Absurdities

Sources told ABC News that a big CIA operation to keep up with Hezbollah in Lebanon was exposed because the Hezzes cracked the CIA's super-secret computer password for the project (a project whose "clandestine" meetings were held in a Pizza Hut in Beirut).  (The project-site password: "PIZZA")   ABC News [link from Wired.com Danger Room]

Brooklyn (N.Y.) pimp Andrew McCord, 29, acting as his own lawyer, thought he needed an "expert witness" to help the jury understand the rough business he's in, and, Your Honor, who better than me, Andrew McCord, to be that expert witness?  (Denied.)   New York Daily News

"My only dream now is to compete with [Mehmet] Yilmaz and beat him [for his Guinness Book record]."  That was Badr Al-Alyani of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, who told a local reporter that he was up to 90½ inches squirting milk out of his eye, short of Yilmaz's 106.  Emirates 24.7 (Dubai) [link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]

The George H.W. Bush, the Navy's most technologically advanced aircraft carrier--a testament to America's leading-edge military superiority--is on its maiden combat voyage.  Aircraft, armaments, and complex computer systems are performing splendidly.  It's just that there is a lot of down time as sailors hunt and hunt for one of the few unclogged toilets. Virginian-Pilot (Norfolk)

Losers

The teenager dropped off a resume, and on his way out of the store, snatched an airsoft gun ($129).  Tracked down by KTLA-TV even before cops arrived, he told the reporter, "Honestly, I wasn't planning on stealing anything.  I was actually trying to get a job.  And, what can I say?  I'm a teenager, [I'm] stupid."   KTLA-TV (Los Angeles)

"It's going to sound kind of ridiculous, but we believed there was some kind of paranormal presence in the basement."  Thus, former Mount Gilead, Ohio, police officer Joseph Hughes explained the 20-something items (like air conditioners) apparently stolen from local government buildings, stored in the basement, unused, because he was afraid to go down there.  WBNS-TV (Columbus)

Too Soon!  On the heels of a "clothes horse" death inquest [Pro Edition, 9-12-2011] comes another, almost:  British college student Danielle Morgan was rescued after falling onto hers and having her every struggle actually tighten the device's grip on her.  BBC News

Too Soon!  Just as in Pro Edition, 10-31-2011, two more people brawled on the edge of a busy highway at night, with predictable results.  Associated Press via Palm Beach Post

David Foley had his heart set on vengeance against his landlord and thus sent WITI-TV a DVD of child porn with the landlord's name and address on it.  If he hadn't done that, police probably would never have discovered Foley's alleged sideline as a child molester with a big stash of child porn (from which to compile the "landlord" DVD).  WITI-TV (Milwaukee)

The Pervo-American Community

Lashawn Johnson, 25, was arrested in Albany, N.Y., after two women reported he was manually displaying himself and asking if they'd "help him out" with his arduous task.   Times Union [mugshot]

Oh! Dear!

[I'll take "Slang" for $100, Alex]  Answer:  "Waxing the crocodile" (Incorrect Jeopardy Question: What was Lashawn Johnson doing?)  (Correct Question:  What were skilled Brazilian-wax technicians doing to a live croc in a promotion video at a salon in Darwin, Australia?)   Daily Mail (London)

The mayor of Huarmey, Peru, warned his people that the water supply, which is piped in from Tabalosos (reputedly, a gay mecca) will convert them, too.  (He had a hormone-based explanation, but experts say he's just nuts.)   Daily Mail (London) [based on Perfil.com (Buenos Aires), 11-24-2011]

A 13-lb. boy was born naturally (no c-section!) in Berlin to a woman who is obviously a sturdy gal.  (Bonus:  She named him "Jihad.")   The Local (Berlin)

Officials in Calcutta, India, are scrambling to save the historic Howrah Bridge from fatal corrosion due to out-of-control spitting by pedestrians who routinely hock their betel leaf, areca nut, and slaked lime onto the steel beams.  Cops ticket some of the miscreants, but there are a half-million walkers a day.  (Alternate strategy:  Display drawings of the gods on the bridge so spitters will hold it in 'til they get to the other side.)  BBC News

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Is Michelle Watson, 24, giddy because she has achieved the exalted state of being "super-DUI extreme"?   The Smoking Gun

Editor's Notes

By now nearly everyone on the planet has had a glimpse of Oneal Morris's humongous butt [Pro Edition, 11-21-2011].  Here is a sane plastic surgeon's best guess as to how Ms. Morris achieved that state.   MSNBC

No matter the occasion, there's always room for an Iron Crotch video (such as from Yang You-sin, who credits the power for righting his life after years of hard-labor pain).   WantChinaTimes.com

Newsrangers: Mark Heather, Kathleen Kelly, and Randy Mason, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

Monday, November 21, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 21, 2011
(datelines November 12-November 19) (links correct as of November 21)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

The Spider as Cad, Derrière Dreams, and More Things to Worry About

★ ★ ★ ★!

All hail the male nursery web spider (inspiration for all slut-rascal men everywhere!).  According to a journal article by researchers in Denmark and Uruguay, the spiders have a good idea what their chances are of scoring, and the ungifted use two deceptions:  Since only gift-givers of live protein (bugs) get to hit it, the losers (1) wrap worthless "gifts" to the female in silk and nail her while she's unwrapping them, and/or (2) engage in a tug-of-war with her over the gift and surprise her by hopping on. [ed. Note to gentlemen living in your parents' basement and who can't get a date:  These are spiders who are smarter than you.]   LiveScience.com via Yahoo News

Made-up, Sensationalist Tabloid News:  Real News:  House cats can be trained to do tricks and even do competitions running obstacle courses.  Both the International Cat Association and the Cat Fanciers' Association run contests in which cats "climb stairs, weave around poles, and leap through hoops" in a timed event (reported the New York Times).  There's even a Kobe-LeBron-type dominant player, Twyla Mooner, a Bengal from Reston, Va.   New York Times   ///   [And then there's the Moscow Cat Theater, which News of the Weird has been on top of since 1998]  New York Times

It was a bad week for the butt-enhancement industry.  Kimberly Smedley assured the authorities after her arrest in Washington, D.C., that she had been using only "medical" silicone when she injected her customers at $1,000 a pop, but she seemed to have a lot of receipts from Home Depot and Lowe's, and her medical dispensing facility consisted of a water jug.  But even more dangerous was Ms. (formerly Mr.) Oneal Ron Morris, 30, of Miami Gardens, Fla., who didn't even bother with industrial silicone.  He used actual cement and "Fix a Flat" and then super-glued the entrance wound.  (Seriously.  There are Can't-Possibly-Be-True photos at the link.)  The Smoking Gun   ///   Miami Herald via South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Absurdities

The European Union may, seriously, soon collapse over its economy.  However, it issued an important directive last Wednesday ordering bottled-water producers not to say that their product can help prevent dehydration.  [ed.: For some people, that's true, if the body faultily misdirects the water received, but many other people simply need to drink more water.]   Daily Telegraph (London)

The Saudi Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice cracked down on niqabs (face-hiders except the eyes) if the eyes are too alluring.  Those women should stay home or move to the burqa.   Daily Mail (London)

Four times a year (coming and going, twice, for school terms), 80 kids in a remote Chinese mountaintop village make a several-day, spine-tingling journey on foot, including down 1,000-ft cliffs with narrow ledges.  (The government is building a safe road . . for the year after next.)   Daily Telegraph (London)

It appears that the Justice Department, in its zeal to use all the tools available to fight "terrorism," would make it a federal crime to lie about yourself on, say, Match dot com.  (You could still lie at a party, but just not online.  Nursery web spiders aren't covered.)   CNet.com

Follow the logic:  (1) Kids love to play with balls.  (2) A parent gets hurt by a ball while at school.  (3) Therefore, the school bans balls for kids (except sponge balls.)   Canadian Press via CBC.ca

The airline fee to trump all airline fees:  When a Comtel flight from India to Birmingham, England, had to land in Vienna, the couple of hundred on board were hit up for supplemental fuel costs totaling £20,000 ($31,000).  Some scrambled for ATMs.  BBC News

Losers

The lawyer's cardinal rule of cross-examination is Don't Ask a Question You Don't Already Know the Answer to).  Mr. Philome Cesar, charged with many robberies and acting as his own lawyer, asked the first two witness-victims, "Describe what the robber sounded like."  After both answered, "He sounded like you," Cesar stopped asking that question.  Morning Call (Allentown, Pa.)

Unclear on the Concept:  The Ku Klux Klan has used burning crosses to get blacks to leave neighborhoods.  For some reason, this Klan wanted black man L.B. Williams's wife (white) to stay in the neighborhood.  (Yes, "the Klan" was really L.B. Williams, who was facing divorce, and somehow thought the burning cross would scare the missus into staying.)  Panama City (Fla.) News Herald

KNXV-TV (Phoenix) reported that Mr. Cary Dolego, a former gubernatorial candidate in Arizona, is now in the Ukraine and, despite being rebuffed at least once, is determined to stay until he meets the future Mrs. Dolego and to bring her back to Phoenix.  (He traveled there because he no longer trusted UkrainianBrides.com.)   (Nursery web spiders do better than Cary.)   KNXV-TV

Oh! Dear!

British insurers that write policies for pets reported writing a four-fold increase in that line of business from 2009 to 2010--along with, as times got tough for the pet owners, widespread fraud-- including some instances of . . killing the little darlings for the money.   Daily Telegraph

A north Georgia plastics company fired man-of-faith Billy Hyatt in 2009 for causing trouble by not wearing the de rigueur company sticker on his shirt (noting how many consecutive days the workplace has been accident-free).  Thus, lawsuit!  Hyatt wore the stickers faithfully, right up until the 666th day.  Associated Press via CBS News

Can't Stop Themselves:  Just because Tina Arie and Howard Windham were being driven in a squad car back to the station on charges of illegal drug possession is no reason for her not to service him sexually in the back seat during the ride.   Montgomery County (Tex.) Police Reporter

The Pakistan government has created a list of cool words and phrases to learn for those studying English or Urdu as a second language (coming soon: Punjabi).  (Oh, wait.  They're 1,500 words that telecom companies have to censor out of text messages.)  Lots of F-word combos, but some are a little far-fetched:  lavender, mango, deposit, fondle, quickie, flogging the dolphin . . ..   The Guardian (London)

The Pervo-American Community

Police in Pueblo, Colo., say that Kenneth Milosavich, 55, was having sex with a pit bull and in more ways than one.   KCNC-TV (Denver)

Teacher Paul LaDuke, 75, was fired and arrested on November 11th after he once again monitored class at Schaumburg (Ill.) Christian School by standing behind a podium, unhitching his trousers, and, um, well, flogging the dolphin.  He'd been a teacher there for 25 years.  WFLD-TV (Chicago)

Updates & Recurring Themes

No, no, no, not again!  A carpenter's assistant is charged with the prank of playfully jamming an air compressor hose up a colleague's back door.  This time, it was in Nicosia, Cyprus.  Cyprus-Mail.com [via Fark.com]

The huggin' Divine Mother, Indian spiritual leader Amma, from Kerala state, India, was in the UK last week and added to her lifetime record of (reportedly) 30,000,000 hugs.   Metro (London)

Below The Fold

Bright Ideas:  What if you're, like, outside at night in the cold, and all you, like, have to work with are raccoons?  Could they keep you warm?  One way to find out.  Get a cold night.  Duct-tape baguettes to your body.  Try to get comfortable.  Vice.com

Another bad idea:  An editor (me) offering a reader (you) proof that a person can survive a hereditary condition in which dozens and dozens of surface tumors grow all over the body.  No, you don't want to see.   News Limited (Sydney)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Well, is Steven Knox guilty of molesting the kid he was babysitting?  Close call.   Houston Chronicle

A selection from this week's The Smoking Gun collection:
Burglary and drug possession   ///   Drug and paraphernalia possession [not even a misdemeanor for that beard, though]   ///  Felonious assault

Editor's Notes

Speaking of compressed air hoses, you might be interested in this "medical"-type book of  the best x-rays three doctors could find of various items found inserted in people's you-know-where (and other bodily orifices).  Huffington Post



Newsrangers: Valerie Jones, Cassidy Hunter, Jay Scott, Gerald Sacks, Gale Walters, and Kathryn Wood, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 14, 2011
(datelines November 5-November 12) (links correct as of November 14)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

NOTE:  [If] and the creeks don't rise, there'll be a supplemental Pro Edition Tuesday morning.

NOTE II:  Google Groups is not functioning well today.  If you're on one of my e-mail lists, I don't know what to tell you (as of 3:45 p.m. Eastern time, Monday, 11-14-2011).  Hang on.

The Latest Inhumane Abuse Encouraged by Rupert Murdoch, plus More Things to Worry About    

★ ★ ★ ★!

Yr Editor is a lazy journalist; Simon Eroro isn't.  He won a News Limited (News Corporation) (Evil Empire) company award in November for "best scoop," for reporting from Papua New Guinea, having submitted to a ritual circumcision in order to win the trust of, and interview, West Papua tribal freedom fighters.  (Bonus:  a circumcision with bamboo sticks!)   Daily Telegraph (London)

Prince Charles, roughing it in a royal visit to Tanzania, was ceremonially titled  by the Maasai tribe as (rough translation) "the one who makes cows cry."  (Bonus helpful response from Charles, addressing the Maasais' concern about their land being developed out from under them: "If you have access to the internet, I have a website . . ..")   Daily Mail (London)

In Toronto, Sammy the cat bitch-slapped Molly the black Labrador--in fact, Molly's owner had to stop the fight on cuts after Sammy bore down in three separate sieges.  The attack led to legal action of . . not much.  It turns out that aggressive-pet laws in Ontario are aggressive-dog laws.  Sammy skated; his owners avoided the $532 vet's bill; and Sammy the cat is now the neighborhood Big Dog.  Toronto Star

Just Can't Stop Herself:  Heather Raybon was arrested in Milton, Fla., in what police called a meth lab.  It was an uneventful bust except for the fact that Raybon had been disfigured in December 2004 by a fire that investigators are sure was the explosion of a meth lab.  She still looks bad.   WALA-TV (Mobile, Ala.) [slide show Not Safe For Stomachs]

Classic Recurring Themes:  (1) Oregonian Kent Couch has scheduled tomorrow (Nov. 15th) for his historic "lawn chair over Baghdad" balloon ride.  He's a veteran daredevil but, as well, benefits from the experience, 29 years ago, of Californian Larry Walters, who ultimately reached 16,000 feet in his chair before descending near LAX (where he was arrested, by the way).  (2) New caganer in Spain's Catalan region this Christmas season:  Sarah Palin, taking a dump.  (Caganers are "Where's Waldo?"-like figurines that populate Nativity scenes, always while going potty.  There used to be a reason for that.)   Los Angeles Times   ///   Larry Walters [Wikipedia]   ///   Daily Telegraph (London)   ///   Caganer [Wikipedia]

Absurdities

A photograph of the Rhine River by German Andreas Gursky sold at a Christie's auction for $4.3 million.  [ed. Wonder what it would cost to just buy the property that Gursky shot from so you could look at the same view, live, every day?]   Associated Press via Yahoo News

Finally some good news for besieged Bank of America!  Looks like they got away with collecting $35 per overdraft charge, against 13,000,000 overdrafters (some many times), under a one-sided and inadequately disclosed policy.  They settled the class-action lawsuit for $410 million, which, if it all went to customers, would still be less than paying back just one of those charges per customer.  (Of course it didn't all go to customers; lawyers made $123 million.  Customers get $27 each.)  (Judge: The case yielded a "superb" result for customers!)   Associated Press via WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)

Losers

Jack Shay, a city councilman in Ketchikan, Alaska, uses a computer but is unfamiliar with the concept of the "print queue," and as a result was exposed by a technician for having a major child-porn collection.   Anchorage Daily News

Nighttime job: stand-up comedian at local clubs.  Day job:  bank robber.  (Bonus:  After being interviewed by police and released as a suspect, he decided to rob the same bank the next day.)   WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Too Much Movie-Watching:  The Australian bank manager admitted he stole the money.  But he was forced to, by "Irish revolutionaries" who (a) gave him a fatal injection and warned they'd deny him the antidote if his mission failed, and (b) besides, they had a "high-tech" bomb they'd explode at  the bank.  (Problems:  No injection, no bomb.)   Courier-Mail (Brisbane, Australia)

Purse-snatcher Cody Smith, 18, made his getaway but was subdued by police by passersby by shrubbery.   Johnson City (Tenn.) Press

Virginia state senate candidate Patricia Phillips (a member of one of the two leading U.S. political parties) mailed a brochure reading, "Always Thank a Veteran [because my opponent will not]," illustrated with a photo of a highly decorated officer . . of the Soviet Union.   TooConservative.com blog

Oh! Dear!

It's not just Taco Bell workers who get stuck on a Saturday night shift that you have to wonder about.  Kitchen workers at Morton's of Chicago in Boca Raton, Fla., filed a lawsuit claiming, among other things, that workers used to stick asparagus down their pants "next to [the] anal/genital area" before serving it to customers.  South Florida Sun-Sentinel

The Pervo Community

From "The [suspend-all-skepticism] Zone":  A Croation man was admitted to a hospital in Zagreb with an 11-cm-long anti-aircraft shell up his back door.  Police appeared less concerned about his well-being than whether he had other weapons at home.   Agence France-Presse via Straits Times (Singapore)

Self-Improvement:  Yes, I made a secret sex video with the woman, but it wasn't for perversion.  I'm a "time and motion" engineering consultant, and I just wanted to study my performance to make myself better in bed.   Daily Telegraph (London)

Readers' Choice:  The 18-year-old man was hospitalized with 300 stab wounds, but before you sympathize, he did travel, by bus, from Phoenix to Milwaukee just to have sex with the werewolf-y woman, Rebecca Chandler, 22, who said the knife stuff was consensual but might have "got out of hand."    Journal Sentinel

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


Your classic jury duty (from The Smoking Gun's weekly collection):  DUI?   ///   Intimidating a witness?

Updates & Recurring Themes

Vodka-laced tampons have returned to the zeitgeist, from a Phoenix TV station's interview with a local doctor, who thinks men, also, exploit the technology by rectal insertion.  (Tamponing bypasses all that stomach acid that dilutes the alcohol.)  Be careful out there, warned Dr. Quan.   KPHO-TV

The latest Central/South American jail in the news featuring astonishing inventories of creature comforts is a prison in Acapulco, where a surprise raid turned up 19 prostitutes, two sacks of marijuana, dozens of TV sets, several bottles of booze, and 100 fighting chickens and two peacocks.  Associated Press via The Guardian (London)

Update:  Two weeks ago in this space, Yr Editor brought you the now-deceased Mr. Sandro Michel, who arrived at his current state by inadvisedly punching out the driver of his car, causing it to careen into a lake, resulting in Mr. Michel's drowning (but not killing his wife or daughter).  Chapter Two:  The 3-year-old girl was saved that night  . . because her buoyant diaper popped her up to the surface, startling rescuers.  Fox News

Recurring:  An 8-year-old girl accidentally swallowed a locket that lodged in her throat, causing blinding pain.  As her mother rushed her toward a hospital, the car hit a pothole, jarring the girl, and once again, happenstance intervened--dislodging the locket (into her stomach, where nature took its course).   Kentucky Post (Cincinnati)

Finally, there may not even be a medical code for this among the massive number of codes in the new edition (mentioned in NOTW M236, 10-16-2011).  Do you believe the authors could leave out "Head trauma (fatal), from standing on chair and crashing to floor while swatting at bee infestation in home"?  Huffington Post

Editor's Notes

Perhaps Rachel Maddow beat Yr Editor to publication, but the airy feeling projected by Herman Cain has been appealing to me for weeks as "performance art."  Cain, on the stump:  "A poet once said . ." (and Cain then unattributedly quoted Pokemon).  The 9-9-9 tax structure, he said, came from an unprominent retail broker in the Midwest, but its real genesis may well have been SimCity, whose tax structure is 9-9-9, too.  If it is a performance, Cain's a lot smarter than anybody's giving him credit for.  Maddow explains it all on this 15-minute video.   Vodpod.com

Speaking of art, here are 32 inexplicable photos from Russia (by a guy named Petros).  You tell me.   BuzzFeed.com

And for your consuming pleasure, Cracked.com's 14 luxury sex toys, ranging from the Gold Tickler ($4,506) and the Platinum Vibrator with Encrusted Diamonds ($3,250) to the Pearl Anal Beads ($430) and the Gold Flake Massage Oil ($45).  Happy Christmas shopping!   Cracked.com
               
Newsrangers: Perry Levin, James Hoban, Sandy Pearlman, and Troy Mueller, and the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors

Monday, November 07, 2011

News of the Weird/Pro Edition
You're Still Not Cynical Enough

Prime Cuts of Underreported News from Last Week, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
November 7, 2011
(datelines October 29-November 5) (links correct as of November 7)
© 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

An Instant News of the Weird Classic, plus More Things to Worry About

★ ★ ★ ★!

Washington County, Ore., sheriff's Sgt. Dave Thompson: "At some point in your career you say yeah I've seen a lot of bad stuff [but] you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven't seen everything." The "this kind" was a photo series of a 21-year-old woman who wanted to "feel" at "one" with her beloved horse, who had just been humanely put down at age 32. So she and her boyfriend gutted it, and she stripped herself naked and climbed into the innards, sticking out only her head--joyously! There are photos, but you don't want to see them. If you look, and they're OK with you, perhaps it's time for your Risperdal. KOIN-TV (Portland)

Absurdities

America In Decline: An industry group expects Americans to have spent almost $7 billion this year on Halloween--including $310 million on costumes to dress up their pets. [ed.: That sounds high. OK, assume half that. Does that make it not disturbing?] Village Voice /// TheHorse.com

If a cop catches you merely viewing child pornography in the F State (no molesting, no manufacturing, no selling--just looking at pictures), it's maybe a bet worth taking to just kill that only witness . . because the hapless Mr. Daniel Vilca just got life in prison with no chance of parole . . for only looking. He had no priors of anything. (Federal sentencing guidelines: five or six years.) (Another F-Stater, the lucky Robert Murray, similarly situated, last week got only 30 years.) New York Times /// St. Petersburg Times

However, for reassurance that Americans aren't getting too feral on punishment, Michael Peppel, who was convicted of defrauding stockholders, suppliers, and employees of his company by at least $18 million, was sentenced in Dayton, Ohio, to seven years seven months seven days in prison. Dayton Daily News [10-24-2011]

For some reason, prominent German chef Roland Trettl cooked up haute couture to go with his haute cuisine, producing, for example, a tunic of octopus, a miniskirt of seaweed, a trouser suit of lean bacon, a scarf of squid ink pasta, and a head covering woven from lettuce. These items are "provocative and raise questions," said (unironically) the director of the Berlin museum housing them (using live models). Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News

Readers' Choice: Todd Remis has sued his wedding photographer for botching the mementos of the Big Day. Problems: He wants not only the fee back ($4,100) but enough money to recreate the entire ceremony (including airfare for all guests) / He waited six years to sue / It was eight years ago / And the couple have been divorced for a while now (and she moved back to her native Latvia). (Bonus: It's already been in litigation for two years, with the meter running.) New York Times

Losers

Authorities estimate that there are about 125 clandestine tunnels under the U.S.-Mexico border, for smuggling drugs and Mexicans. One of them, south of San Diego, mysteriously filled up with sewage, trapping some folks. Rule Of Thumb: Any time you do something that requires you to be "hosed off," you're a Loser. KNSD-TV (San Diego)

More Tales of the Passive-Aggressive Lovelorn: To win a lady's affection, Robbie Suhr, 48, had the idea that he would put on a disguise, kidnap her, tie her up, and leave . . and then return in short order without the disguise, to rescue her. Imperfect. WTMJ-TV (Milwaukee)

The Pervo-American Community

John Marshall, 56, pleaded no contest in Torrance, Calif., to raping his unconscious boyfriend and . . shaving his body hair. Associated Press via WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)

No charges were filed against Washington schoolteacher David McMillen, but he agreed to retire quietly after someone spotted his camera underneath a desk, aimed upward at skirt level. KIMA-TV (Yakima, Wash.)

Your Weekly Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . . until the mug shot is released]


A woman was charged with stabbing a man, but the woman's after-crime helper is the better Jury Duty test: Harold Comer, 59, the world's oldest Justin Bieber devotee. Greensboro (N.C.) News-Record

What kind of woman gets bargained down to $17 for sex? Possibly, Janet Overdurf. Northwest Florida Daily News

Michael Selleneit, 53, might have had to shoot his neighbor because the neighbor had raped Selleneit's wife and threatened to kill Selleneit. Or . . since the rape and threat were only delivered "telepathically," maybe the shooting was unwarranted. Salt Lake Tribune

Pasco County (just north of Weird Central in Tampa) has the highest concentration of nudist resorts in the world so it is not surprising that, say, someone might stage a zombie-fied attack at H'ween. It might have been Kevin Fearn. WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg)

Oh! Dear!

Here's a cabinet official on a magazine cover in thigh boots and a rubber dress. (No, not Hillary. Not even Condi, from Kadhafi's collection. It's Romania's Minister of Tourism.) Daily Mail (London)

Below The Fold

"Husband Secretly Fed Wife Steroids So She Would Pile On Weight And Stay At Home To Look After The Children" Daily Mail (London)

"Serial Killer Writes Book For Children" (the Canadian murderer Charles Kembo, who likes "to write in semi-darkness, alone in the nude") The Province (Vancouver)

"Defendant Loses Right To A Lawyer After Allegedly Stabbing 3 Of Them With Pencils Or Pens in Court" The Herald (Everett, Wash.)

"Three-Eyed Fish Caught Near Argentinian Nuclear Power Plant" Inhabitat.com

Updates & Recurring Themes

It says here that Mr. Thomas Beatie is tying his tubes after bearing three kids for his wife Nancy. ABC News

Here come the "Sovereigns" again. An F State sheriff obtained an arrest warrant for one, Jacob Dyck, who was filing spurious deeds against dozens of unsuspecting homeowners who were not properly versed in the Dyckian version of the U.S. Constitution. More seriously, four Social Security recipients, educated way beyond their intelligence, were arrested for plotting a Timothy McVeigh-style event against the evil government. St. Petersburg Times via The Ledger (Lakeland, Fla.) /// Atlanta Journal-Constitution

PETA checked in with its annual snit over the "Mullet Toss" in Terra Ceia, Fla., where competitors pitch dead fish into a distant toilet. This is said to be "disrespectful" to the mullet. WWSB-TV (Sarasota)

Finally, another heartwarming "fecal transplant" story (cue up the "gladly takes s**t from his wife" jokes)! Jerry Grant had a horrible case of the runs, plus bleeding, because C.diff bacteria had wiped out the "good" bacteria in his colon. The amazingly effective remedy: having some of his wife's healthier caca jammed up him with a colonoscope. Sweet science! Huffington Post

Newsrangers: Kathryn Wood, Craig Cryer, Jessica Binns, Steve Dunn, Norman Meluch, and Sandy Pearlman, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).