Sunday, July 22, 2012

Dear Weirdo,

I regret to announce that I'm going on semi-Leave of Absence.  I have modest health problems that are limiting my productivity.  There may come a time in the near future when I regain my full energy.  There may even come a time in the more-near future when I can contribute once again to my blogs (and thus to the Google Group mailing list that is producing the message you're now reading).  It's just that right now, I can't.

The weekly syndicated News of the Weird newspaper column (which some of you read by being on the Google Group newsoftheweird) will continue on schedule.  In fact, having to struggle so hard now on that column is the main reason I am insecure about my ability to produce other work.

Please resist the urge to send me condolences.  I'm definitely not malingering, but on the other hand, I'm not so bad off that I need to read condolences.  It's just a Leave of Absence.

If you are now so disappointed that you need to say good-bye to this Group, please click the Unsubscribe link at the bottom of this message.  Otherwise, stay put, and you'll hear from me from time to time (at least, from time to time; perhaps more frequently).

Thankya, thankyavermuch.
Chuck Shepherd               
July 22, 2012

Monday, July 09, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 9, 2012
(datelines from June 10 or later) (links correct as of July 9)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Editor's Note

Miss me yet?  I'm fine, thank you, but I now have to read almost everything three times (versus two before that, provoked by my advancing age), and I must reserve my most brilliant spells for my weekly News of the Weird column, which still provides a bit of income.  So, I'm back to merely guiding you upon a cite-seeing tour, at least for a while longer.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Somewhere:  "Nick" and "Ethan" have formed Virtuous Pedophiles, "many" of whom pose no danger to kids, they say.  Just admire 'em at a distance, like art gallery patrons.  Sez Ethan:  "Almost any group in the world can hold a convention, look out on a sea of faces, and say, 'These are people like me.'  We can't."  Salon

Raleigh, N.C.:  The governor vetoed a pro-fracking bill, but pro-frackers worked to override it.  However, governor's allies, led by Rep. Becky Carney, had the veto beat, by one vote--except that when it came time to actually vote, Carney pushed the wrong button, and the veto won.  Carney:  "Oh my gosh."   ABC News (tip: The Atlantic)

Chicago:  Win-Win!  Chicago has a sky-high murder rate this summer.  So, do-gooders sponsored a $100 buy-back for every gun turned in (regardless of condition).  Winners:  People get $100 a gun.  Criminals know that fewer victims will be armed.  Pro-gun group organizes hand-ins of rusty guns to fund a youth camp to encourage gun ownership.   Chicago Sun-Times

Las Vegas:  Can't Possibly Be True!  Prof. Tom Kubistant of Western Nevada College ran his Human Sexuality course about like a spittle-encrusted, bottom-feeding pervert would have run it, with minimal academic overlay--at least if Karen Royce's lawsuit is to be believed.  (Karen, at age 60, balked at the "required" number of masturbations she had to journalize in order to pass.)  Courthouse News Service
       
New York City:  July Special at the Uni K Waxing salon--50% off!  (Umm, it's for girls 15 and under.)  "If she's going to [bunk] with all these girls [at camp], and she feels insecure because she hasn't taken care of the hair on her lip or her legs . . .."   Huffington Post

More Things to Worry About

Miami, Fla.:  Quartavious Davis, 20, is still shell-shocked.  No prior record, fired a gun only twice, 162 yrs in prison, no parole.  (Bonus: Not in Texas!)   Reuters via Huffington Post

Myrtle Beach, S.C.:  Motorcyclists claim that a county law against doing "burnouts" is an unconstitutional curtailment of their first-amendment right of macho.  (Seriously.)   The Sun News (Myrtle Beach, S.C.)

Jacksonville, Fla.:  The Aristocrat.  He buys enema 6-packs at a CVS, uses them, sticks the squirters back in the box, re-seals it, and takes it in for a refund.   The Smoking Gun

Abingdon, England:  Ever see the movie Snatch?  (Spoiler:  Two crooks in that movie, just like these guys last week, kept pushing the "pull" door to get away, until they finally just smashed the door open to flee.)   World's Greatest Newspaper

Boston:  Suspicions Confirmed (though it sounds a little low);  A Harvard Medical School study found that about 1 teenager in 12 has Intermittent Explosive Disorder.   Boston Globe

London:  Once in a while, a magical new research funding magnet comes along.  A June article in BMC Medical Genetics ID'd seven genetic markers that contribute to fixing a woman's breast size, and two of them also mark for breast cancer.  The money should be rolling in soon!  Fox News

Amman, Jordan:  Coming Soon to America!  Muhammed Shawabka, a Member of Parliament, was TV-debating the Syrian uprising with some guy when name-calling started, then a shoe went flying, then the MP pulled out a gun and started waving it around.  (Bonus: This is what's already here in America:  Glenn Beck's website treated the news of Andy Griffith's death straight-up.  The Comments section, though, reveals that a few of Glenn's fans, wish they could, among other things, spit, tinkle, and vomit on Griffith's grave--for no reason other than that he appeared in a pro-Obamacare ad.  And again, this is Andy Griffith they're talking about, not Obama/Biden/Pelosi. )   Los Angeles Times   ///  TheBlaze.com (tip: JimRomenesko.com)

Thanks to Scott Huber and to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Monday, July 02, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
July 2, 2012
(datelines from June 1 or later) (links correct as of July 2)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Somkul Village, Cambodia:  Finally, a slam-dunk victory for Christianity:  The Jurai indigenous people have given up on spirit-worship and turned to Jesus.  Reason:  The spirits demand too many cows, buffaloes, and trinkets.  Phnom Penh Post

"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"

Washington, D.C.:  Miniature golf was a simple game . . until Americans With Disabilities Act bureaucrats got hold of it.  New rules govern the slopes of the "fairways," length of fibers for artificial turf, and more.  OpenMarket.org

Washington, D.C.:  Forget tomato-pickers and lawn maintenance people for a minute.  America needs immigrant "geniuses" and those with special skills and has given them line-jumping visas.  That's why Playboy's Miss November 2010 got one.   Reuters

Alexandria, Va.:  Pity the head of the poor Flight Safety Foundation.  The U.S. hasn't had a large jetliner crash in 11 years, which, William Voss says, is terrible.  "If anyone wants to advance safety through regulation, it can't be done without further loss of life [to get the public frightened again]."   Bloomberg News

Mesa, Ariz.:  Sarah Robles is the strongest woman in America.  She could probably juggle two of your scrawny asses.  But Nike and Gatorade and those guys don't return her calls (sending her at times to food stamps) because she's un-svelte, looking like you imagine she looks.   Buzzfeed.com

Baton Rouge, La.:  Finally, U.S. job stimulus . . in Scotland.  Loch Ness attractions are expecting a surge now that Louisiana has adopted public funding of Christian fundamentalist schools, whose texts use Nessie as lock-down evidence that evolution is hooey.  The Herald (Glasgow)

New York City:  In monthly gatherings of the Innard Circle, food adventurers explore restaurants that serve body parts you wouldn't dare eat (except the uterus, which they admit they haven't gotten around to).  (Bonus:  The Circle is another pastime of Daniel Okrent, who basically invented fantasy sports.)   Wall Street Journal

New York City:  Bad enough that The 1 Percent have enough money to build mansionettes in their back yards for their dogs.  Worse than that:  Their dogs never go near them; they're just for show.  New York Times

Funny Old World*

Mumbai, India:  A new world record (maybe):  A 5-inch worm, wriggling around the eyeball.  New York Daily News

Sao Paulo, Brazil:  Anything to improve drinkers' aim is good, such as a portable fretboard to lay in a urinal so that, if your stream is strong enough, musical notes are played.  (Yr Editor, at age 67, plays only dirges.)  (Bonus:  In several Michigan counties, federally funded talking urinal cakes were distributed to bars in the run-up to July 4th, with chips telling wasted drinkers to call a taxi . . or an ambulance, considering that you're probably hammered and yet you believe you're being lectured to by a urinal cake.)    The Atlantic   ///   Associated Press via Detroit Free Press  

More Things to Worry About

Vaughn, N.Mex.:  500 residents, two police officers . . neither of whom can legally carry a gun.  KOB-TV (Albuquerque)

Port St. Lucie, Fla.:  A neighborhood confrontation ended with this sentiment (according to the police report):  Robert Gernot, 54, angry that the neighbor had called his mother "a dirty whore," said he'd deal with the man shortly, but unfortunately, right that moment, he had to go take a dump.  (Bonus:  Reporter's Super-Explanatory Journalism:  "Mothers typically do not like being called dirty whores.")   TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.)

Thanks to Sam Dillon, Mark Claxton, and Peter Smagorinsky and to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)

Saturday, June 30, 2012

I've had a small cut on my eye this week that got infected, and for an editor-writer, that's hell getting adjusted.  Plus, I have this condition of lingering, seething rage that kicks in if I have as much as a headache or a hangnail, so you can imagine my ire at an eye infection.  I'm much better, but I'm way behind.  I'll try to be back on track by Monday morning.  (For those on the e-mail list, the most recent post was June 25th.)

Monday, June 25, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 25, 2012
(datelines from June 15 or later) (links correct as of June 25)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Houston, Tex.:  California lawyer Leonard Sawyerr [yep, r-r] was convicted last week of exhibiting multiple, seriously-inappropriate erections on a Continental flight from Los Angeles in February 2011.  Houston Press

Springfield, Ill.:  The state Supreme Court concluded there was nothing they could do except enforce two state laws:  A man who had sex with a consenting 17-yr-old girl can't be prosecuted for the sex (age of consent is 17) but can be for taking a photo of her (child porn applies to under-18s).  Associated Press via Springfield Journal-Register

Los Angeles:  On June 12th, Jerry Patterson got thoroughly clobbered by two road-raging men. On June 21st, Jerry Patterson was arrested for having been a road-rager himself in May, dishing out two black eyes.  Los Angeles Times

Menomonee Falls, Wis.:  Lynne Rasbornik, 56, was charged with domestic abuse for roughing up her husband over his "pornography" habit, specifically, her accidental discovery of the disgusting Onion and the Milwaukee alternative weekly Shepherd Express  [ed.: no relation, although it does run the News of the Weird column].  Way Unclear on the Concept.  Menomonee Falls Patch

Sherbooke, Quebec:  Hypnotist Maxime Nadeau was hired to put on a show at a private girls' high school, and all went well until he couldn't get one of the girls untranced . . for five hours . . and finally had to call his mentor to come bring the girl home.  An Emergency Hypnosis Technician!   Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News

Tulsa, Okla.:  Kalvin Hulvey, 35, stole Jeremy Penny's car.  Penny saw him, and followed him, and this being Oklahoma, caught him, roped and hog-tied him, and then called the sheriff for pickup.   KOTV (Tulsa)

Singapore:  A National University of Singapore researcher hypothesizes that males of a species of tropical spider maximize their reproduction chances by . . self-castration!  (It goes like this:  By lopping off their testes after mating, they become leaner, meaner fighting machines, able to keep other males, and their sperm, at bay and to keep from being eaten by the female they've just mated with.)  [ed. Bless those researchers' hearts.]   DiscoverMagazine.com

News of the Weird 1.0

Again:  Those hardy, devil-may-care Brits are at it again.  A primary school got the Chief Starter for races at the upcoming London Olympics to be the guest starter for the school's sports day races . . but the West Dunbartonshire Council went nuts and banned him from actually shooting the starter's pistol.  He'll have to blow a bicycle horn, instead, because a gun might frighten the delicate little urchins.   World's Greatest Newspaper

Again:  Charles Baker in Palmetto, Fla. (just south of Weird Central headquarters), was arrested for assault.  Naked?  Check.  Bit a chunk out of the victim's arm?  Check.  Press called him a zombie?  Check.  WWSB-TV (Sarasota)

Again:  Another guy who changed his name to Jesus Christ is in trouble.   Houston Press

Update:  A man who was widely reported in 1975 as having died laughing (while watching a sketch-comedy TV show) is now believed merely to have suffered from Long QT syndrome (a heart rhythm disorder).  That's because his granddaughter now has it. Daily Telegraph (London)

Undignified Deaths

Cornelius, N.C.:  Jacob Kost, 23, won the argument.  There was a dispute, but Jacob does have the better truck . . because he used it to run the other guy over.  Associated Press via Salisbury Post (Salisbury, N.C.)

Changsha, China:  Jiang Xiaoshan, 26, expired after supposedly going 11 nights without sleep because he needed to watch all the Euro 2012 games on TV (and yet not miss any days of work).  (Alcohol might have been involved, too.)  World's Greatest Newspaper, citing Sina.com
 
More Links

Napa County, Calif.:  She never knew her real son so when she finally found him, she said the sex was natural ("genetic attraction").  Napa Valley Register

Crawley, England:  He was banned from the school library for being obnoxious while over-studying, but kept returning because he just needed to study.   Yahoo News

Dubai, United Arab Emirates:  The Indonesian maid thought urinating in the tea would make m'lady treat her better.   Gulf News

Editor's Notes

Time-Wasters:  50 Wedding Photos (not a slide show).  (Bonus: Not all of them look staged.)  ///  A transcript of an Australian court proceeding featuring the world's filthiest-mouthed defendant and the world's most impossibly patient judge.  World's Greatest Newspaper   ///   Justinian.com.au (pdf file) (Not Safe For Work)

Thanks to Mark Stevens, Jeff Hochberg, Eric Ivers, Craig Cryer, Bill Bloxham, Timotheos, and Sandy Pearlman, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 24, 2012
(datelines from June 11 or later) (links correct as of June 24)


© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Editor's Note

[Editor's Pre-Note:  Those of you getting News of the Weird 2.0 by e-mail are not the primary audience for the Note below.  Getting it by e-mail means you are not in Category I of blog-browsing.  You might even be a "reader" and not a blog-browser at all.  Good for you.  But here are some thoughts about that.]

Below are some recent mugshot-centric links.  From time to time, some people ask me why don't I just copy the damned mugshot instead of forcing you to do the heavy lifting of making two mouse clicks.  After all, they say, there are dozens of mugshot-intensive blogs in the blogosphere.  Here are some short answers to the question (and I speak only for myself and not others who post on WeirdUniverse.net):  (1) Though it's getting late in the life of the Internet, copyright issues for copying-versus-deep-linking have not yet been totally resolved; it is unlikely, though not impossible, that often I would arguably be disturbing a news organization's sense of copyright, and as a writer with newspaper income, I must not do that.  (2) Websites that load up on goofy mugshots are just click-whores, anyway, and that's not for me.  (They do get some income based on the clicks, and unfortunately, that's apparently not for me, either.)   (3) I am primarily an editor-writer, producing prose for readers.  Though my prose quality is mediocre, it would still be a leap for me to image-up my copy, to search-engine-optimize it, just to meet expectations of those out blog-browsing (and not really "reading").  Visitors who browse for images, or who demand their knowledge and entertainment only by headline, have a gazillion choices, and I don't need to compete with those.  (4) Often, the entertainment value of seeing the mugshot is enhanced after you know, briefly, what the story is--more than just by the initial shock value of seeing a goofy picture.

OK.  On to the mugshot-oriented links.  Tomorrow, non-mugshot-oriented news!

Your Daily Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Did she do it?  This chick, charged with larceny, might have a body (face) language problem.  The Smoking Gun

Orlando:  Juergen Heinricher was discovered Sanduskying with his girlfriend's kids in a swimming pool.   WESH-TV

Springfield, Mass.:  Police say this family man was negotiating with a street gal while his wife was waiting in their van.   WVIT-TV (New Britain, Conn.)

Orlando:  A well-known downtown homeless guy, Ronald Walsh, 35, was charged with assault, but Walsh sees it differently.   Orlando Sentinel

Fort Smith, Ark:  Thomas Morgan, 47, who goes by his stage name, Sondance the Clown, confirmed suspicions by being arrested for his stash of child porn.  (Scroll down at the link for the unadulterated Morgan mugshot.)   KHBS-TV (Fort Smith)

Ocala, Fla.:  What's the problem, officer, asked Joseph Conn, 49?  I always sunbathe naked . . in public view . . while holding a "sex toy."   Gainesville Sun

Santa Cruz, Calif.:  If Craig Souza, 34, came to your door, would you buzz him in?  Well, he got buzzed out, no questions asked . . at a police station, while being booked for a probation violation.  Santa Cruz Sentinel

Deltona, Fla.:  Add Kelsey Smith to the "People Who Are Messed Up" file.   Daytona Beach News-Journal

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 21, 2012
(datelines from June 8 or later) (links correct as of June 21)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Yr Editor is supposed to be on top of bizarrities like this so it's perplexing and humbling to realize that I'm among the last to know:  In Las Vegas, there's a man with 100 lbs. of scrotal junk, and he's walking around (gingerly, but still walking)  The Las Vegas Review-Journal had this story last year (and again now), and I missed it.  Sorry for letting you down.  Las Vegas Review-Journal [Not Safe For Stomachs]
                   
People Different From Us

Miami Beach:  (He might be innocent; to apply justice, check out his mugshot.)  Ronald Rolfes, 31, took furtive clothes-changing photos at the Hooters Int'l Swimsuit Pageant.  (Bonus:  [Cop: Why'd you do it, Ron?]  Ron:  "Man to man [i.e., just between us gents], I did it because I've never had a girlfriend.")   Miami Herald

"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"

Washington, D.C.:  The economy . . hell in a handbasket.  Federal marketing subsidy for a company that sells glittery styling spray for dogs . . government cash!   The Examiner (Washington, D.C.)

Liberty County, Tex.:  This is a place where a sheriff can raid a home with a judge-signed search warrant looking for the evidence of the 25-30 children that had murdered and buried in the yard--when the only thing even vaguely resembling "evidence" for the search warrant came from a psychic.   Courthouse News

Funny Old World*

Bangkok:  A demure, 23-year-old woman auditioning for "Thailand's Got Talent," turned and, back to the judges, removed her shirt, gooped paint on her chest, and made some "art" on a canvas.  (Bonus:  The female judge walked out hrrrumphing, but the two male judges passed the artist to the next round.)   Daily Telegraph (London) [alas, Safe for Work]    

We've had Christian pro wrestling in the South for years, where the equivalent of Good Ol' J.R. leads the crowd and the grapplers in prayer before the boys flip through their moves.  Now in production, though, is a documentary, "Fight Church," with mixed martial arts guys trying to annihilate opponents like Jesus intended.  Said a pastor: "Jesus was a fighter.  That is the type of Jesus that I would want to serve."  The Week

News of the Weird 1.0

Again:  Mumbai, India, doctor Madan Kartaria developed "laughter" clubs of yoga enthusiasts, positing that sitting there giggling or guffawing improves one's qi.  Now, the High Court in Mumbai, on complaint from one of the less-impressed, ordered a local club to tone down the "aural aggression" their less-happy neighbors are feeling.  Daily Telegraph (London)

Update:  Current stats from a New York City health agency found that 11 newborn males from years 2000-2011 got Herpes simplex from circumcision the combination circumcision-and-blow-job the way some mohelim do it.  Centers for Disease Control

Your Daily Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Gibsonville, N.C.:  No matter what you think, Scott Davenport has only been charged with suspicion of first-degree murder.  WXII-TV (Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Ocala, Fla:  (1) Which one of the 3 came up with the idea in the first place?  (2) Which one took the dump?   WESH-TV (Orlando)

Editor's Notes

It is my duty once again, as with every high-profile acquittal, to remind y'all that, notwithstanding the uber-sloppy media, "the jury" did not decide that Roger Clemens did not lie.  The jury did not rule him "innocent."  The jury only decided that the government failed to leap over the very high bar necessary to obtain a conviction.  Whether he took banned substances remains a matter known only to two people (Clemens and the trainer-accuser).  In this case, no one else in the world can know except for those two people.  That all sports fans everywhere think they "know" is one of the many markers of the sad cognitive state in which we find ourselves.  Thankya, thankyavermuch.

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 17, 2012
(datelines from June 7 or later) (links correct as of June 17)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Father's Day Special:  Here [Weird Universe, 5-22-2012, 6-4-2012], and in next week's News of the Weird, Yr Editor dutifully reported on the flowered fatherhood of Desmond Hatchett (24 kids, by 11 different women, in the corrected total reported by the Knoxville News-Sentinel).  Turns out he's only neck-and-neck with fellow Tennesseeans Terry Turnage (23 with 17) and Richard Colbert (25 with 18).  Turnage's rare child-support checks are for amounts like $6 and $9. One of Turnage's baby-mamas said her "knees buckled" in court when she was told that Turnage had not the four more kids he had told her about, but 20 more.  What's wrong with these men women?   World's Greatest Newspaper
       
Links

Lansing, Mich.:  "[What Rep. Lisa Brown said] was so offensive, I don't even want to say it in front of women," said a male state legislator supporting the newly-passed lockdown on Brown's floor-debating rights.  Brown's transgressive word:  "vagina."  NPR

Bethesda, Md.:  National Center for Biotechnology Information reported that a South Korean woman had become "impregnated" by a squid that bit her cheek while it was wielding his spermataphore.  World's Greatest Newspaper

Dos de Mayo, Brazil:  Four times a year, Adriana Villareal moves into her late husband's tomb for a few days, makes herself at home, cooks her meals, surfs the Web, etc.   Agence France-Presse via Yahoo News

Cincinnati, Ohio:  Charles Marshall, 28, was busted for the fourth time for having relations with a teddy bear in public.   The Smoking Gun

Port St. Lucie, Fla.:  It sounds like a joke, but Barbara Hall was arrested for smacking around her boyfriend after he brought olive oil to their coital bed (at her request).  However, he had also brought PAM spray oil, provoking a question from Barbara and an unsolicited admission by the dude that, yes, in fact, he had had sex with a mutual friend named Pam.  TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.)

Moscow:  Too clever by half were the gay activists who asked for gay-pride festival permits for 2012, and, to embarrass the government, for each year for the next 100 years.  The government (OK'd by a court in this story) then officially banned gay pride festivals 'til 2112.   TV-Novasti (Moscow)

Salem, Ore.:  She successfully scammed state tax officials out of $2.1m in "refunds," given to her on a debit card, but then blew her cover by requesting a replacement card on another account, causing officials to investigate.   KATU-TV (Portland)

Again:  Righteous Buddhists commandeered captive animals, took them to the great outdoors, and released them--a ritual that supposedly rebalances the Buddhists' karma.  This time, it was 200-300 snakes in Hubei, China, and nearby villagers got all un-Buddhisty in their reactions.   Daily Telegraph (London)

Again, and wrong for all kinds of reasons:  Another gal, Miamian Paula Simonds, 44, aka model Lacey Wildd, is grossing out her six kids (two grown, two in high school) by her pursuit of top-five-in-the-world status in artificial boobage (currently, describing herself as an L-cup, enroute to a triple-M).  World's Greatest Newspaper

Again:  The most litigious person on the planet, Jonathan Lee Riches [NOTW M183, 10-10-2010] was released from prison on April 30th and appears to have repented his sins be ready to double-down on court clerks everywhere.  For starters, he's suing the Kardashians for allowing him (in his delusions) to take the falls for a number of their supposed illegal schemes.  AboveTheLaw.com

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
Two or Three Times a Week, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 14, 2012
(datelines from June 8 or later) (links correct as of June 14)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Robyn Sutherland, 27, of Enderby, England, is another one of those "Toddlers & Tiaras"-type moms . . . except . . . her little heavily-made-up Eleanor June has not yet celebrated Birthday Number 2.  "She's such a girly girl," said Robyn.  "She already wears nail varnish every day."  Coming up:  Miss Mini Princess UK.  Mom's bought her 20 dresses and 15 pairs of shoes.  Dad Andrew appears grossed out but, ultimately, whippedWorld's Greatest Newspaper

People Different From Us

U.S. Court of Appeals:  No, Mr. Courtney Royal (serving life in prison in Texas), you cannot have "religious" vampire ceremonies in lockup, no matter how much you allude to "West African spiritualism" and "18th Century Catholicism."  Even if you're the Honorable Vampsh Black Sheep League of Doom Gardamun Family Circle Master Vampire High Priest.  WOAI Radio (San Antonio)

Huffington Post's full-time weirdo chronicler David Moye has now found the 10 people with the most unusual talents, y'know, like squirting milk out the eye.   Huffington Post

"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"

[No idea.  Take a guess.]  How many of the planet's 6.8 billion people do not live as well as Upper East Side Manhattan (New York City)'s dogs?   BBC News

Funny Old World*

Why?:  (a) Why did magistrates site-visit, in the rain, a beach to help them decide, nine months later, whether Bob Hewling violated poop-scooping law?  No clue.  (2) OK, always better for muggers to work in pairs to steal a purse, but why did they decide it would be better strategy for the second guy to come out of the car's trunk instead of, y'know, the passenger seat?  No clue.   Evening Gazette (Middlesbrough, England)   ///   Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Kalamazoo, Mich.:  Careful . . . when you have a civic contest for the best Caribbean dishes, including jerk chicken.  Careful . . . or people will start referring to the competition as a Jerk-Off.   Kalamazoo Gazette

Atlanta:  The upper-crust play their 18 holes at the tony Piedmont Driving Club, but there was an incident, wrote an attorney-member, with "an array of alleged acts that included public urination, nude golfing, and a trick involving a naked posterior and a poor golf ball that didn't deserve its fate.  It's a safe bet the correspondence was the first the club ever received that contained the words 'butt cheeks.'"  Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Life on the Left Tail (of the Bell Curve)

Gatineau, Quebec:  Two masked men tried to knock off a convenience store.  The owner spritzed one with bear spray, sending him fleeing, and pulled the other one over a counter and spanked him.  Spanked[There's video.]  
[Toronto Sun link broken; story at KBMT-TV (Beaumont, Tex.); video at YouTube]

The Way the World Works

Austin, Tex.:  One state agency tried to rehab a sincere sex-offender trying to get a fresh start; the agency paid big bucks to train him as a barber and get certification.  In short order, another state agency--the one that regulates barbers--made sure the state wasted the big bucks by denying the man a state license.   Austin American-Statesman

Maynard, Mass.:  Municipal officials finally discovered that Timothy McDaid has been embezzling from them for three years . . . mostly in order to pay off the restitution he owed after being convicted of embezzling money at a previous job at an autism charity.  WFXT-TV (Boston)

Editor's Notes

Takeaways (News of the Weird 3.0):  (1) How weird is it that Jerry Sandusky can joke with friends in between witnesses' descriptions of horrific childhood memories?  (2) How weird is it that America is a country ruled by the rich, for the rich, even though the non-rich (10-plus times the number of rich) retain the right to vote?  [Must be that there are powerful--and successful!--distractions being concocted because some of the non-rich actually get indignant and vitriolic when they're asked this question.]  Yahoo Sports (Monday)   ///   Yahoo Sports (Tuesday)

Thanks to Bob Stewart and Sandy Pearlman, and to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 10, 2012
(datelines from June 4 or later) (links correct as of June 10)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

In Holladay, Utah, R. Wagner Jones announced for the Board of Education.  Jones is a registered sex offender whose name won't come off the list (assuming he stays clean) until 2015.  [Ehh, not quite as bad as it looks, but still . . ..]  KSL-TV (Salt Lake City)

More Things to Worry About

Sounds Like a Joke:  University of Tokyo Grad School geniuses say they've developed diet-aid goggles that change the image of the size of the piece of food you pick up (without changing the size of your hand) so that you can imagine you're eating more food than you are.  (Bonus:  It's not an April 1st story.)   Daily Telegraph (London)

Los Angeles's Roosevelt High (to bring down a sky-high rate of teenage pregnancies) has partnered with Planned Parenthood for birth control on demand.  Pregnancies are way down.   [That's so wonderful  horrible.  Y'all don't fight, now.]  Los Angeles Times

I See a Future of America Brawling:  On a Greek political talk show, a far-rightist smacked two far-leftists on camera.  [Greece is now in what stage of grief?  Denial?  Anger?  Bargaining?  Depression?  Certainly not Acceptance.  America's still in Denial.]   Global Post

The State of Journalism:  Last Sunday evening, anchor Meghan Torjussen of WMTW-TV , Portland, Maine, got a note to pass on to New Englander Celtics fans.  Game 4 (eventual final score, Boston, 93, Miami Heat 91) would go to overtime.  "I guess the game just ended," she announced.  "This is what my producer is telling me right now."  "There's the score [on the screen, end of the 4th quarter], 89-89.  Uh, went down to the wire . . . ended in a tie.  [A]ll right, let's move on to professional baseball."   Huffington Post

Police in Krakow, Poland, prepping for Euro 2012, warned potential rowdies that not only do the cops have dogs specially trained to go for the crotch, they have sonic cannons that supposedly provoke mass urination.   New York Daily News

R. J. Williams, 22, previously famous for devouring an ordinary light bulb in 33 seconds, is now famous for (allegedly) robbing seven New York City banks--done in when he was ID'd returning to one he had already robbed.   New York Post

The Way Washington Works:  Under questioning by super-gov't-skeptic U.S. Rep. Darrell Issa, a Labor Dept. official admitted the gov't's definition of a "green" job includes janitors at solar-panel plants, school bus drivers (public transportation), antique dealers and used-record shop clerks (they're "recycling"), and even anti-green environmental lobbyists.  Daily Caller

District of Calamity:  The president of the Washington, D.C., City Council is out, after admitting to fraud; a few months ago, another Council member was sentenced to 3 yrs for stealing youth-sports money; two allies of the mayor have pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice in a different investigation; and the prosecutors aren't done yet, apparently.   New York Times

Editor's Notes

As you may have noticed by my erratic "schedule" of posting, I'm still working through how I want to present this-here thing to readers.  My top 2 preferences are: (1) to publish 4-5 times a week and (2) to feature only stuff that tickles me.  Beyond that, I have several models that I wish to pursue but haven't figured out how to integrate them. 

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors. 

Thursday, June 07, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 7, 2012
(datelines from May 31 or later) (links correct as of June 7)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Movie Cliche Come to Life:  In Poplar Bluff, Mo., five teenagers sat in a car parked on railroad tracks, at night, playing "Ghost Train," i.e., telling scary stories.  Then what?  Anyone?  Right, a train comes along.  Then what?  Anyone?  Right, car won't start.  Five went out that evening, three came home.   St. Louis Post-Dispatch

People Different From Us

Chutzpah!  Detroit's chutzpahtic former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, now on parole after being convicted of lying repeatedly in court, objected to the part of his sentence that requires 16 hours' community service a month.  Gee, he wrote (as he awaits his federal corruption trial), "16" is really gonna mess my schedule up, what with all the paid speeches I'm booked for.   Associated Press via Statesman.com (Austin, Tex.)

Stillwater, Minn.:  Yikes.  Supposedly, Nicholas Doyle and Ashley Brooker got all their blemishes from days-long meth use.  Ewwww!   City Pages (Minneapolis)

Funny Old Country

A school official in Middleboro, Mass., got in trouble for actually accepting a "note from home" excusing little Gannon, 6, from a school activity.  It was written in "fluorescent yellow marker on finger-paint paper" and read [sic], "Dery Mrs. Trorryry: Gannon is not going to the program."   WCVB-TV (Boston)

Houston:  "Blanca," a mother of four, got caught in the middle of a Chase bank robbery, got scared to death, ran from the bank, saw an idling car, jumped in, and floored it for a safe distance before abandoning it.  And the car belonged to?  Anyone?  Yes, it was the getaway car.  KHOU-TV (Houston)

Aurora, Colo.:  Police enforcing a seat-belt law stopped a car because the front-seat people weren't belted.  In the back seat, though, was a gas can belted into a child-safety seat, and a diaper-wearing toddler free-ranging.  Awkward.  TheDenverChannel.com

News of the Weird 1.0

Again:  In Edinburgh, Scotland, Scott Western, 44, was charged with beating up on his wife--even though, Scott points out, she had signed an S&M contract allowing him to punish her for breaking certain household rules.  The Scotsman

Update:  A small gathering in Shingo, Japan, staged their annual celebration at the site of Jesus's tomb.  Wait, what?  (You must be behind the curve.  Jesus moved to Shingo after the Resurrection, lived quietly, and died of natural causes.)  The Japan Times

Your Daily Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Surprise, Ariz.:  Kristopher Harvey, 32, stands charged with administering tough love to his early-teen sons, who had raided dad's liquor cabinet.  Do we need a trial?   AzFamily.com (Phoenix)
   
Thanks to Paul Peterson, Harry Thompson, and Sandy Pearlman, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors. 

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 5, 2012
(datelines from June 1 or later) (links correct as of June 5)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

People

The aberrant aberrant:  The latest alleged massive child pornography distributor is a mansion-dwelling 41-yr-old Dallas, Tex., socialite.  WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth)

Channeling Andy Kaufman:  Former British politician Lembit Opik, 46, tried to be a professional wrestler (tag team match) but lasted only 2 minutes (except for the suspected broken ribs, expected to take a while to heal).  Daily Telegraph

Medical Marvels:  The World's Greatest Newspaper continues to drop its trawl to snare the unfortunate.  Here's a 2-yr-old girl born with half her skull missing (Adams-Oliver Syndrome, n=130 in the world).  And this Pakistani gentleman has a particularly severe Proteus syndrome (giant head, feet, hands).  World's Greatest Newspaper   ///  World's Greatest Newspaper

From a book review in Sunday's New York Times:  Annabel Chong, "famous" for a 1995 sex film in which she took on at least 70 men at one sitting lying, reported that she retired in 2003 and "embark[ed] on a career in coding and Web design," leading a "boring Republican lifestyle consisting of stocks, golf, and home improvement projects."   New York Times (scroll down)

Funny Old World*

Criteria for marriage in India:  caste, complexion, horoscope, height, character, family, love.  Enter now the "love commandos," acting like a sort-of U.S. Civil War-era underground railroad shepherding lovers to the altar--unless the families can track the couple down and teach them with fists and rocks just what "marriage" is all about.   BBC News

In a Gloucestershire village, the renewal of the four-century-old Shin-Kicking Championships.  ITN (London)

An environmental panel and an administrative bureau have both turned down pleas by neighbors of a man in southern Sweden who moans "louder than an animal" when he masturbates.  "[I]t affects my state of mind," said one neighbor.  The Local (Stockholm)

News of the Weird 1.0

Update:  The home of William Lyttle, the disturbed Brit who spent the last 40 yrs of his life digging tunnels under his upscale property in Hackney [NOTW, 9-3-2006, 9-23-2001] (to store junk, including four cars), has been fixed up (the holes cemented) and is expected to fetch the equivalent of about $1.15m.  World's Greatest Newspaper   //   NewsoftheWeird.com (scroll down)

Again:  This has been No Longer Weird'ed, except that Sr. Vicente Benito might be the new world record holder . . for dying at home and not having one's body discovered for the longest time.  So far, authorities in Canizal, Spain, fix the death (discovered last week) as about 15 to 20 yrs ago.  Man sure enough kept to himself.   The Guardian (London)

Editor's Notes

I guess by now everyone has seen the radio-controlled helicopter made of the beautiful carcass of a guy's dead cat.  If you haven't, hop on over immediately.  (Stare long enough, and you'll never look at a cat the same way again.)  World's Greatest Newspaper

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)


Monday, June 04, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
June 4, 2012
(datelines from May 27 or later) (links correct as of June 4)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Norwegian Dilemma:  As NOTW has reported, Norway is home of the most inmate-friendly prison in the world and is generally the gold standard in wrist-slapping wrist-tickling.  But now they have this guy Anders Behring Breivik, who undoubtedly massacred 77 people last year.  He hasn't been "convicted" yet, but officials are already in a tizzy because the law bans solitary confinement, yet in the general prison population, Breivik may aim to add to his death toll.  Solution:  Officials are looking for volunteers to be "friends" with Breivik--to be "trained" to hang with him and play chess and stuff.  (Bonus:  This is how to torture a sociopath.  You force him to have "friends."  It's a wonder Norwegian liberals allow that.)  MSNBC   ///   NOTW [6-13-2010]

People

Albany, N.Y.:  Andrea Amanatides, 38, processing into jail to do six months on a probation violation, had her condom break and four heroin baggies and 256 Rx pills (including Oxy, Adderall, Valium, etc.) fall to the floor from its hiding place in her hoo-hah.  Awkward.   Albany Times Union

Mustang, Okla.:  CEO Ryan Tate of Tate Publishing Co., fired 25 employees on Thursday, and in a farewell meeting, rubbed their noses in it (after opening the meeting with a prayer).  "You morons that sat back and wanted to create and generate conspiracy theories [about the company] are stupid."  The Oklahoman

Westlake, Ohio:  Sue Warren apparently broke into a stranger's home, tidied it up, then left an invoice for $75.  She's done it before.  (Bonus:  She is apparently serious.  There are local ads for "Sue Warren Cleaning" service.)  WKYC-TV (Cleveland) via WALB-TV (Albany, Ga.)

Cornelia, Ga.:  WSB-TV (aided by the lady's Facebook page) profiles the photogenic Gainesville, Ga., college student, church-goer, and severe anti-gov't type Celia Savage, who is an explosives nut and now faces federal charges for her guns and her boom makers. (Bonus:  lives by the Scott Adams quote, "There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives")   World's Greatest Newspaper

"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"

A paper in the journal Cognitive Neuropsychiatry reports that we've become so obsessed with reality TV shows that over on the right tail are at least five super patients with "Truman Show" Delusion--that they've been thrust into a show against their will.  BuzzFeed.com

What's Wrong with People?  Why do smart people manage money so badly, and why, even when their ignorance is proven, do they keep on?   (1) He borrowed $142,000 to go to culinary school but is shocked to find few job opportunities.  (2) We thought it was a good thing to invest in a "private equity" fund, to be locked in for 15 yrs yet guarantee to pay you big management fees every year.  (3) Gov't workers' pension fund managers are the only people in America now who think their portfolios will average 8% annual returns forever.  (But if they cut even 1 point off that, taxpayers would have to make up the difference so, Long Live the 8%!)   Yahoo Finance   ///   Wall Street Journal   ///   New York Times

Funny Old World*

Sounds Like a Joke:  With the euro zone on the verge of imploding, in large part because of Greeks don't produce nearly as much as they've spent, a Pew Global research survey of Europeans revealed that "Germans" are regarded as the hardest workers . . except by Greeks, who think "Greeks" are.  The Economist

Editor's Notes

CORRECTIONS:   (1) Desmond Hatchett [NOTW2.0, 5-22-2012] is officially "credited" with fathering only 24 children that he can't take care of--not the 30 that he can't take care of reported by local station WVLT-TV in Knoxville, Tenn.  (2) Contrary to what I wrote in the weekly News of the Weird column last week (M268, 5-27-2012), prominent "breatharian" Ellen Greve is not dead, which means (inexorably) that she has been cheating on the sun-and-air-only diet that she has promoted for years.  I must have misread a 1999 news story and confused Greve with one of her followers, who apparently did not cheat.  Knoxville News-Sentinel [link from JimRomenesko.com]   ///   Wikipedia (Jasmuheen, formerly Ellen Greve)

Thanks to Gary DaSilva, Max Noriega, Jim Bratton, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)

Thursday, May 31, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 31, 2012
(datelines from May 27 or later) (links correct as of May 31)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

Some North Carolina legislators, tired of all this "climate change" nonsense, seek to curb discussion once and for all.  The general science says that seas will rise enough to engulf the state's lucrative coast properties so they introduced legislation to prohibit that particular bit of science.  According to Replacement Bill 819, future flooding will be limited to 8 inches because that's what the historical tables show when only "linearly" extrapolated.  What about if weather gets worse and worse?  Do we have to use the same baselines as we did back to 1900, even if our eyes tell us they're not good baselines anymore?   Exactly, said the legislators; from now on, it'll illegal to do it your way . . in North Carolina.   Scientific American

Leading Economic Indicators

Times are tough.  Manuel Orvalle, 35, was charged with burglary in Mesa, Ariz., after allegedly taking a man's Playstation 3 and two bags of water from the man's swimming pool.  (Orvalle said there's no running water at home.)   ///   In Missoula, Mont., someone stole the '76 Ford Pinto from a man's back yard--a '76 Ford Pinto with four flat tires and that didn't run.  KPHO-TV (Phoenix)   ///   The Missoulian

No, Times Aren't Tough:  Allison Havir of Phoenix is offering $10,000 for return of her lost dog DiiDii, a 2-1/2 yr old German Shepherd mix.  She could go higher:  "No amount is too much for her."  KCTV (Kansas City)

Over on the Left Tail (of the Bell Curve)

A 61-yr-old man in Decatur, Ala., was hospitalized with a toothache, or rather hospitalized for shooting himself in the jaw with a .25-caliber pistol to alleviate the toothache.   Decatur Daily

Funny Old World*

(Well, not funny funny, but, y'know . . .):  UK coroner's inquests ruled that Dr. Martin Rowe, 47, had checked himself out early in Southampton (found fully clothed in a bathtub after taking a "massive" dose of Viagra)--and that James Lockless, 50, died accidentally in Carshalton as a result of a sexual "misadventure" involving a nylon sheet and three layers of cling film wrapped around his neck and ankles.  (Bonus: Lockless was alone the whole time.)   World's Greatest Newspaper   ///   World's Greatest Newspaper

"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"

Gwinnett County, Ga.:  A jury awarded $3m to the estate of a man who had a fatal heart attack "in the saddle."  He was in a threesome with a woman not his wife, plus another man, and the money was because his cardiologist apparently didn't urge him strongly enough not to do exciting things since he had been scheduled for a stress test a few days later.  Atlanta Journal-Constitution

The Pervo-American Community

Police in Harvard, Idaho, picked up a 36-yr-old man who allegedly exposed himself at a residence, leaning into a fence and "enticing" the family dog to come lick his genitals.  Moscow-Pullman Daily News

Inexplicable

Been to the mailbox lately?  Police in Canada say the suspected murderer they're looking for claims he has dispatched four more body parts from his victim (after sending a hand to the Liberal Party headquarters and a foot to the Conservative Party's).  Luke Rocco Magnotta (his latest alias) is being sought, but he once wrote a book on how to go completely off the grid.  The Globe and Mail

Pittsburgh, Pa.:  No, no one knows the story, but Yes, indeed, that was a pig wearing a scarf scurrying down a lane on the city's Parkway West on Wednesday.   WPXI-TV (Pittsburgh)

Thanks to Geoff Egan, John Beyrau, Sandy Pearlman, Michael Tubbs, and Tony Pappas, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

 News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 30, 2012
(datelines from May 26 or later) (links correct as of May 30)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

In a incident not weird at all but bound to vibrate Christopher Walken fans, Jim Schweickert drove from his home in Walnut, Calif., to Albany, N.Y., to give Frank Cook his gold watch back.  Schweickert and Cook had met briefly in the Vietnam War, and Cook had given Schweickert his watch for safekeeping.  Schweickert was so despondent after the war that he ignored his Vietnam belongings for a long time but has since done an amazing bit of detective work to find the near-stranger who had given him the watch.  (No evidence that the watch had ever been safekept as in "Pulp Fiction.")  Albany Times Union

Challenged People

Low-Tech:  Zachariah Garrett, 17, is the most recent street thief to snatch a cell phone, get chased by cops, but make a poor choice of hideout (inside a Dumpster) when he's busted for his unfamiliarity with the "ringer" setting on the phone.   ///   And don't even wonder whether this iPhone thief knows about Apple's iCloud, that sends the victim all of the photos the thief has been taking.  Athens Banner-Herald   ///  Time.com

"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"

Idaho liquor regulators rejected selling Ogden's Own Distillery's "Five Wives Vodka" at state liquor stores because it might insult Mormons in Idaho (about 1/4 of the population), even though Ogden, of course, is in Utah.  The label has five women fixing their skirts. Associated Press via OregonLive.com

News of the Weird 1.0

Again:  Snake-handling pastor Mack Wolford, 44, of the Church of the Lord Jesus in Matoaka, W.Va., died Sunday of a rattlesnake bite.  The Washington Post Magazine had profiled him in November.  He's going to hell, according to Mark 16:17-18, where he'll run into his dad, who died of a bite in 1983.  Mack:  "Praise the Lord and pass the rattlesnakes, brother."  Washington Post   ///   Washington Post Magazine

Your Daily Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Jersey City, N.J.:  Patrick Homer, 49, was arrested on weapons charges after a street fight with another man, but it may look like Muslim-profiling.  (Bonus: or profiling the disabled!)   The Jersey Journal

This one isn't fair because Roger Berget is already dead.  He was guilty.  You're supposed to wonder if the jury made a mistake.  (The news story is of his brother Rodney, who has been sentenced to death, in South Dakota, 12 years after Roger was executed in Oklahoma.)  USA Today

Editor's Notes

Yeah, I know there was an incident over the weekend in Miami, but I can't write about it.  I do "underreported" news.  The naked man high on drugs who was eating the face off another naked man (the "zombie apocalypse" is here!) has not been underreported.  But way up the state in Palm Coast, Angel Roman, 28, was arrested on suspicion of strangling one cat and biting the lips off another cat.   WKMG-TV (Orlando)

Thanks to Peter Smagorinsky and Sandy Pearlman, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 29, 2012
(datelines from May 24 or later) (links correct as of May 29)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

★ ★ ★ ★!

It's all right that y'all probably don't read National Enquirer because that's my job.  It says here in the May 28th issue that ol' Jim Bakker still owes IRS $6m and is now pitching big-ticket apocalypse survival gear to his God-fearing followers, including the Silver Solution Total Body Cleanse Kit ($100), which has an enema element.  National Enquirer

Weird People

Naples, Fla.:  Steve Carr, aiming for a surprise pop-the-questioning, buried the engagement ring in the sand on a beach vacation with girlfriend Mary Naam, but then forgot where.  He hired a professional sand-digger.  (Bonus:  Steve is "Dr." Steve Carr, a real-life brain surgeon from Denver.)    WZVN-TV (Fort Myers)

Fremont, Neb.:  Mr. Mel and Ms. Joey Schwanke, married 65 yrs, attribute their "success" to the matching outfits they always wear in public (167 sets of his tie custom-matching her dress).  He also wears a badge with "Somebody Please Shoot Me" on it.   KETV-TV
                       
"U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"
                   
Kentucky has become the second state (after Illinois!) to have a state high school championship in, um, bass-fishing.  Yahoo Sports

According to the report by WDAY-TV in Fargo, Chad Lindley, 40, has become the first person ever arrested in North Dakota on the charge of pimping.  WDAY-TV

Florida's death toll from child neglect dropped precipitously from 2009 to 2010, a sure sign that child-welfare people are doing a better job state bureaucrats have changed the rules for counting "neglect" deaths.  Sure enough!  Now, when kids die in front of drunk caregivers, it's not "neglect" because "neglect" requires "willfulness."   Miami Herald

Transportation Security Administration reports that by 2006 (five years after 9-11), it was still confiscating 500 guns a year from airline travelers.  Five years after that, 2011, at least 1,200 travelers didn't get the memo.   New York Times

Judgment-Challenged

Gothenburg, Sweden:  A supposedly disabled-friendly organization, trying to make a point, began selling dolls labeled with a phrase that it says here is roughly the equivalent of "retard."  "So much better than a normal retard," this doll is.  Maybe the Swedes will get the point.  (Bonus:  Marion Barry did not get the point.  Caught denouncing Asian shopkeepers in his District of Calamity ward, he sorta-apologized, pointing out that the Irish caught hell when they came here, the Jews caught hell, "the Polacks caught hell.")  The Local (Stockholm)   ///   WTOP Radio (Washington, D.C.)

Funny Old World*

Vicar Nick Davis of Cheltenham, England, gets God's message across by breathing fire halfway through his sermons.  (It's a gift.)  The church is marking Pentecost, where the Holy Spirit descends on Jesus's disciples and "appearing as tongues of flame."   BBC News

Your Daily Jury Duty
[In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Skiatook, Okla.:  Do you really think Leonard White is capable of burglary at his age?   Tulsa World

Editor's Notes

Note:  It says here this is illegal, and you are warned (no matter how nonsensical this is).  A man in Kent, Wash., learned that when noisy brat kids sit behind you in a movie, laugh at you, and throw popcorn, you cannot turn around and slap one in the mouth, knocking out a tooth.  It's illegal.  Go figure.  Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Thanks to Gary Goldberg, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye)

Monday, May 28, 2012


Dear Weirdo Once More,

A week ago, I offered all y'all a chance to limit your exposure to me (since I was about to go from weekly posting of Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour, formerly News of the Weird / Pro Edition, to a several-times-weekly posting).

It turns out that not that many people want off the list.  Thus, and out of laziness, I'm not going to create a separate list for limited-exposure people who would prefer weekly mailings.

Consequently, your new choice is either to stay on the list (and get several-times-weekly posts) or leave the list altogether.  If you want off altogether, please follow the link at the bottom of any post mailing, including this one. 

You're also getting this-here mailing if you've already asked off the daily, but not the weekly. Now that there won't be a weekly, your new choice is either to stay off altogether or to rejoin (and get the several-times-weekly posts).  If you still have a Google ID, you can rejoin the list at this link:
https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgroups#!forum/proweird
(I hope that works; Mr. Google has recently remodeled his Groups page, and I'm so Googled up, myself, that I wonder if I have access to certain links that other people don't get.)

TO SUMMARIZE:  (1) If you didn't try to get off last week, but you still want off, follow the link at the bottom of any post.  (2) If you've already written me to get off, you're off.  (3) If you've already written me to get off, but you want to get back on, use that-there link, above.

Happy Trails,
Chuck Shepherd

Saturday, May 26, 2012

News of the Weird 2.0
(Almost) Daily, Since May 21, 2012

Underreported News, Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 26, 2012
(datelines from May 21 or later) (links correct as of May 26)
Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.



★ ★ ★ ★!

Chilean-born artist Sebastian Errazuriz has created "Christian Popsicles" featuring actual priest-blessed (sneakily so) wine, i.e., "the blood of Christ."  After sucking down the 'sicle, you're left with a stick figure of Jesus on the cross.  Particularly harsh, but on the other hand, he set off the Catholic League's apoplectic Bill Donohue, which is always entertaining.   CNN   ///   Secular News Daily

Weird People

Chutzpah!:  Ms. Stormy Moody didn't even try hard to cover up the massive burglary of her next-door neighbor.  She emptied closet and dressers and then flaunted one of the outfits in front of the victim.  WBBJ-TV (Jackson, Tenn.)

Denver:  Late-blooming Steve Crecelius learned at age 57 that he was from the other team.  He went in the ER for a kidney stone problem, and they told him that, by the way, you have both boy and girl parts, and suddenly all those lifelong urges became an A-ha Moment.  He's now Stevie, and his wife and kids still love him.   WGHP-TV (Greensboro, N.C.)

Funny Old World*

U.S.-Style Perfectionism in India:  It says in this rant that a TV ad for Clean & Dry Intimate Wash (using animation) convinces Indian women that what they really need is a lightening of their vulva skin.   The Age (Melbourne, Australia)

Cologne, Germany:  The survey firm Rheingold found that sometime after the 2006 World Cup, Germans turned more dour than usual, with 55% now feeling they've lost their ability to feel good at all (including in sex, worried as they are about looking bad or performing poorly).  Plus, these days, y'know, they're totally responsible for all of Europe.  Spiegel Online

Redditch, England:  Andy Kelso retired as a Church of England vicar.  God told him one day (said Andy) to go forth and spread the word as Elvis Prayersley.  So he's a full-time impersonator doing gospel songs.  World's Greatest Newspaper

News of the Weird 1.0

Again:  Here's a patient so obese that she couldn't fit through the doors of her own home to be taken to the hospital.  Firefighters and carpenters had to take out walls, erect scaffolding, etc.  What's Different This Time:  The 784-lb. patient is still a teenager and once went through a U.S. fat farm to get down to 250, but let herself go again.  Wales Online

Again:  Awwww, MOM!  Chicago drug dealer Jesus "Pepe" Fuentes, 27, had tickets for a Scarface concert scheduled at the same time that a 10-kilo shipment of heroin was due in and so dispatched his trusted mother to pick it up for him.  She got it, and everything would've been fine if she hadn't gotten traffic-stopped for failing to signal a turn.   Chicago Tribune

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.  (* stolen from Private Eye; [Chuck's editor: Stolen? You're better than that.] [Chuck: I'm not.])