Monday, January 30, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

January 30, 2012
(datelines from January 20 or later) (links correct as of January 30)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Port au Prince: If you donated money to Haitian relief, it's fortunate if even a quarter of your dollar has ever found its way to the poor . . two years later. The only exception: the sainted Doctors Without Borders. (Best jobs to have in Haiti: U.S. contractor, Haitian SUV dealer.) World's Greatest Newspaper

South Carolina: In the town of Norway, a trooper pulled over a speeder, who happened to be the mayor, who happened to disagree with the trooper, so when the trooper drove off, the mayor turned on his own blue light, and pulled the trooper over. Nyah- nyha-nyah-nyah-nyah. Associated Press via WIS-TV (Columbia, S.C.)

London: Can't Possibly Be True (I): If the eBay auction holds (he'll know today), Christopher Herbert will be £2051 ($3,225) richer because he offered (as a goof) a blob of dried glue that sorta resembles Homer Simpson. Daily Telegraph

Frankfort, Ky.: The president of the Kentucky Senate, making a big political (photo-op!) deal out of honoring the Newport Aquarium with a ceremony in the Senate chamber, was then faced with the problem of what to do when the on-loan penguin crapped on the floor. Leadership! Lexington Herald-Leader

Shelby, N.C.: Misty Kullman, 25, was busted for prostitution . . in which she supposedly performed some unnamed act for a guy for . . six bucks. (Bonus: He paid with 3 $1s, a $2, and some coins.) Shelby Star

Suriname: A long research project by Conservation International, in a pristine South American area, yielded among other new species a "great-horned beetle (Coprophanaeus lancifer" . . which is a dung beetle the size of a tangerine, with evolved horns because . . apparently ya got to fight for your fair share of dung. LiveScience via Yahoo News

Colombo, Sri Lanka: There's a Sri Lankan Eye Donation Society that supplies many of the world's transplant eyeballs. EDS is glad to have eyeballs upon death, but it also gathers some from the living, from people who believe that giving up their spare eye (who needs two?) will ensure a good afterlife. What a country! World's Greatest Newspaper

Hong Kong: Hotshot Chinese army special forces showed off in public their patented training drill of passing a live explosive from man to man, counting down until detonation, with the unlucky last-man-catching responsible for tossing it into a nearby hole just as everyone dives for cover. This time, everyone survived. Daily Telegraph (London)

Oklahoma City: State Sen. Ralph Shortey introduced a bill to stop that awful practice that food companies have, y'know, using human fetuses to flavor up their foods. Well, just because no company actually does it is not really the point. They might, Shortey seriously explained, because that's what it said on the Internet. Associated Press via Wichita Eagle

Los Angeles: "LAPD Cracks Down on Drone Aircraft Use by Real Estate Agents" and so . . wait, what? Los Angeles Times

Lynn, Mass.: Tina Cafarelli admitted she bought $64 worth of soda, then immediately fed the cans into a nickel-a-can redemption machine at a supermarket, just to get the cash. (OK, she stole the welfare card to buy the soda, but, still . . ..) Associated Press via Fox News

Winter Garden, Fla.: Can't Possibly Be True (II): A mentally-challenged, totally unsophisticated college-educated mother of two who owns a business wound up paying $135,000 in cash, jewelry, and gift cards to a psychic because the psychic said the lady had a curse that needed to be removed. (Note to Federal Trade Commission: Explore ways of bringing down the cost of curse-removal.) Orlando Sentinel

New York City: A judge (male . . he should know better) declared it common knowledge, as a matter of law, that circumcised and uncircumcised organs look the same when erect (and thus, the fired flasher-cop remains fired even though he's cut, and the alleged flasher wasn't). New York Daily News

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

In Wheaton, Ill., Robert Lyons, 39, convicted of murder, was sentenced to 40 years in prison, but there's always the appeals court. Rodney Cook, 58, presumed innocent of purse-snatching in Austin, Tex. WLS-TV (Chicago) /// KTBC-TV (Austin)

Thanks to Sandy Pearlman, Marty Braun, Perry Levin, and MaryAnne Anderegg, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.