Monday, February 20, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
February 20, 2012
(datelines from February 10 or later) (links correct as of February 20)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

San Luis Potosi, Mexico: U.S. Immigration agents in a $160k, heavily-custom-armored Chevy Suburban (i.e., specifically designed to protect from attack by, say, kidnapers) became kidnapers' sitting ducks when no one realized that every time ya shift into "Park," the door locks pop open. Washington Post

Betws-y-Coed, Wales: Your guess about pronunciation is as good as mine, but its tourist website found 364 different misspellings by people on search engines looking for it. BBC News /// List

Seattle: "Sovereign" David Myrland, in prison for threats against the mayor of Kirkland, Wash., filed a lawsuit claiming he's been wronged, and Yr Editor is hereby rendered totally speechless in attempting to describe how incomprehensible it is. Seattle Weekly /// [the filing] (Seriously)

Helena, Mont.: Sherwin Shayegan [NOTW M131, 10-11-2009] is back. He's the overweight 20-something who gets off . . by getting on . . the backs of high school athletes, begging them for piggyback rides. That's his deal. He's from Bothell, Wash., but avoids restraining orders by moving eastward, and this time made it as far as Minneapolis. (Recall that the legendary illustrator R. Crumb liked to get piggyback rides, according to an ex-girlfriend in the 1994 documentary "Crumb.") Associated Press via KOMO-TV (Seattle)

Kunming, China: Soon to be a Santorum campaign ad . . a Valentine's Day wedding of a sheep and a deer at a zoo to highlight diversity in the zoo's menagerie. Good for Santorum: One was male, one female. Bad: The male had an affair with another sheep. BBC News

Collingwood, Australia: Mark Read complained of being rebuffed in offers to help out at his son's youth sports. Specifically, no, he can't fire the starter gun for races. (Read had been recently released from prison and once boasted of murdering 19 people.) The Mercury (Hobart)

Phoenix, Ariz.: Pushing the legislative envelope once more, state senators introduced a bill requiring the suspension (or firing) of professors who, in lectures, violate Federal Communications Commission family-oriented language for broadcasters. Huffington Post

Whiteclay, Neb.: Anheuser-Busch, Coors, Miller, and four retailers were sued ($500 million) for turning Oglala Sioux into drunks by distributing 13,000 cans of beer a day to the rez's closest town (a "town" with an actual population of 10). Reuters via Yahoo News

St. James City, Fla.: They say Alicia Martin, 28, and Kathryn Rayannic, 23, assaulted various people out of anger that no one at The Waterfront bar wanted to see their breasts. WZVN-TV (Fort Myers)

Phu Tho Province, Vietnam: At the annual Linh Tinh Tinh Phoc festival, a chosen man thrust a wooden phallus into the wooden orifice thingie held by a chosen woman. It says here that if it gets in, crops will be abundant. [ed.: It doesn't say how it could not happen, like, does the man have to be drunk and miss, or does the woman Lucy-up Charlie Brown, or what? Have there ever been unabundant crops?] Thanh Nien Daily (Ho Chi Minh City)

Houston, Tex.: Houston women need to take special care after the Houston PD acknowledged that it was somewhat behind on processing "rape kits" . . with a backlog of 6,663. Of course, some of them are no longer necessary (maybe rapist pleaded guilty or there was other evidence), but rape-inclined Houstonians may be emboldened. KPRC-TV (Houston)

Bluff, New Zealand: A 3-year-old kid was caught in an automatic-cleaning public toilet and screamed in terror as he went through two wash cycles before his mother could unlock the door. (Monty Python Version: Probably the first good bathing the little urchin's had in a fortnight! [But he's 3! He's scared!] Come on, just one more!) Southland Times

Paris: American expat Clare Lundberg has high praise for the French safety-net program for post-partum mothers, of la rééducation périnéale, or, France's entitlement program (paying for 10-20 sessions) to help recent mothers re-tone their vaginas. Slate

White Lake, Mich.: You must see the photo of the sign setting the times (during school days) for a 25 mph speed limit, obviously drawn up by the town's autistic detail-oriented traffic director. WJBK-TV (Detroit)

TLC Cable Channel: The third season of "My Strange Addiction" debuted last week. This year's selections: a car lover, eaters of (a) cat food, (b) adhesive tape, and (c) dirt; a nail polish drinker, a mothball huffer, and Ms. Sheyla Hershey, she of the MMM-cup breasts (after 30 implant procedures) [NOTW M178, 9-5-2010]. ABC News

Latimer County, Okla.: Sheriff Robbie Brooks, knocking on doors for his re-election campaign, noticed an aroma and busted Jerry Paulk, 65, and two young women for operating a grow house. Paulk's mug shot says he's been sampling inventory. (Bonus: Brooks said Paulk still promised to vote for him.) KFSM-TV (Fort Smith, Ark.)

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Chattanooga, Tenn.: Kathleen Mathews . . sweet thang sticking up for her misunderstood son or . .? Times Free Press (Chattanooga) (Bonus: Kathleen sez that Tennessee is a "stupid hillbilly Jack Daniel selling yet considered a blue state backward Bible belt inbred church on every corner yet no forgiving Christian in sight rush to judgment bunch of haters Tennessee [ed.: deleted, probably the A-word].")

From The Smoking Gun collection: He's wanted on a judicial warrant, but there's--OhdearGodinheaven! What is that growth on top of his head?.

Thanks to Kyle Gray, Kathryn Wood, Perry Levin, Lance Allen, Kent Heustess, and Joel Rippel, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.