Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 5, 2012
(datelines from February 24 or later) (links correct as of March 5)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Heber City, Utah: A tough-fact-check car crash killed one (Ms. Mula Er) and injured four (Ms. Me Htwe, Mr. Hsar Kpaw Doh, and two of unreported gender, W.T. Htoo and Tar Eh). Salt Lake Tribune

Baton Rouge, La.: In the alcohol-sophisticated Louisiana legislature, the debate was over whether drive-through daiquiri bars could sell go-cups with straw holes (to facilitate DUIs). WWL-TV (New Orleans)

Gainesville, Ga.: West High School and middle school were locked down. Reason: A cell phone's auto-correct had changed a text from "gunna be at west hall" to "gunman be at west hall." Gainesville Times

Seattle: (This--and not abortion counseling--is a reason to de-fund Planned Parenthood.) A PP group distributed 55,000 condoms with QR codes so users could scan in the locations in which they were having sex. New York Daily News

Shandong Province, China: Villagers who can't afford to heat their homes take huge condom-like inflatables to a natural gas substation every few days, fill them up, and take them home. ChinaSmack via Gizmodo

Hobe Sound, Fla.: Not sure about cause-and-effect here, but a highly intoxicated (0.409) Kevin Brann, 41, was arrested behind the wheel and with a butt plug in place. TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.)

Harare, Zimbabwe: The prostitutes are truly full-service. A woman was accidentally electrocuted while hanging a client's just-washed clothes out to dry as part of his all-nighter. Newsday (Harare)

Swindon, England: The borough council has discovered that the 1992 Protection of Badgers Act bars any action to stop badgers from burrowing into graves at the Radnor Street Cemetery. BBC News

Gastonia, N.C.: In a location usually reserved for cocaine or heroin, Asheton Biggerstaff, 24, apparently used his butt cheeks to smuggle in . . chewing tobacco. Gaston Gazette

Bradenton, Fla.: What can $15 buy you these days? For Adrian Baltierra, 51, one whiff of a street lady's intimate part (actually, an undercover cop's). The Smoking Gun

Miami, Fla.: Behold Braco! No matter what, people apparently need to find somebody to believe in, even if it's just a guy who stares at you for a few minutes and then walks away. (Certainly! DVDs and jewelry are available in the lobby!) Miami Herald

Lafayette, Ind.: White Castle is test-marketing sliders plus onion rings barbecue appetizers wine, with table service. Wall Street Journal

San Bernardino, Calif.: Someone ratted out smart-guy Stephen Hawking for visits to the Freedom Acres strip joint, where he allegedly enjoys private dancing and admiring the proton growth in various girls' body parts. World's Greatest Newspaper

Toronto: Would an infinite number of orangutans with an infinite number of iPads re-create all the great works of art? Better that they draw on an iPad (said a spokesman for Orangutan Outreach) because there's "no paint to eat." Toronto Star

Salisbury, N.C.: Hard times here. Who counterfeits $1 bills? Salisbury Post

Dublin, Ohio: Eliminating the middle man. County coroner crashes into pedestrian (but the victim will recover). Columbus Dispatch

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Matthew Miranda, 25, was charged with dine-and-dash in Milford, Conn. (Bonus: The diner actually thought this guy was a good risk to pay the check). /// Y'all be on the lookout for this guy in the police sketch, OK? Connecticut Post /// WTAE-TV (Pittsburgh, Pa.)

Editor's Notes: The TLC channel is officially designated cable TV's most important service. Hoarders! My Strange Addiction! Toddlers and Tiaras! Now, debuting this coming Wednesday, My Crazy Obsession profiles the couple who estimates they've spent $1m on 5,000 Cabbage Patch kids and who ritually mingle with them. MSNBC /// TLC Channel

Unofficially: (1) world's ugliest animal (its face, anyway). /// 10 Chinese drinks you mustn't try. National Geographic /// Inventors Spot

Thanks to Matt Rushing, Dave Henshaw, Dave Scallon, and Elaine Weiss and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.