Monday, March 12, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 12, 2012
(datelines from March 2 or later) (links correct as of March 12)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Kantale, Sri Lanka: Mr. Janaka Basnayake, 24, passed away. He was trying to establish a world's record for surviving being buried alive. (Note to File: 6½ hours, too long.) Associated Press via Huffington Post

Tacoma, Wash.: Alan O'Neill, 41, was charged with bigamy after his first wife found out about the second when Facebook recommended that she and the second become "friends." Associated Press via Oregon Live

Detroit: In the District of Calamity II, an independent audit reported that a $148,000 grant to help 400 unemployed people get better clothes for job interviews provided clothes for exactly 2. Detroit News

Ottawa: The city government ordered Doug Rochow to stop clearing snow near his home, that that's the city's job even when the city's not doing it. (The city's afraid Rochow will make the pathways more inviting, which increases the possibility of lawsuits. Snowbound pathways create no "paths.") Toronto Star

Edmonton, Alberta; More name frivolity, this time from the 50,000 babies born in Alberta last year. Boys: Moo, J-Cub, Tuff, and R. Girls: Tuba, Camry, Unique, and J. Said one man on the street, "Those look like dogs' names." Edmonton Journal

Washington, D.C.: (Can't Possibly Be True?) USDA has purchased 7 million pounds of "pink slime," destined for school lunches. Even Taco Bell won't touch the stuff. It's animal connective tissue, not muscle, but oh-so-cheap, and it's been sanitized--mostly, except for, y'know, occasional e.coli. Huffington Post [citing the Evil Empire's tablet app The Daily]

Leicester, N.Y.: Mark Biondolillo, 41, had his (alleged) marijuana growhouse operation busted simply because his kid showed up for kindergarten class reeking of scent o' home. Democrat and Chronicle (Rochester)

Eureka, Calif.: Jason Bacon was allegedly overheard after his arrest for trading marijuana for a motorcycle: "I know you can't sell it, but I thought it was OK to trade it." Times-Standard (Eureka)

Cardiff, Wales: Polish off this year's Nobel--for local authorities tired of teen punks' rowdiness. They are set to install pink street lighting in the neighborhood . . because it highlights acne. BBC News

Reading, England: Melvyn Webb, 54, vehemently denied in court that he was pleasuring himself on the train. Rather, he said, he was playing air banjo under his newspaper. Seriously. (Bonus: Jury acquitted him.) World's Greatest Newspaper

Brevard County, Fla.: Bill Dillon will get $50k for each of the 27 wrongfully-imprisoned years that John Preston's forensic wonder dog cost him. As noted previously [NOTW M122, 8-9-2009], Preston's dog could supposedly find crime-scene scents anywhere it was convenient, and helped convict up to 60 people (some of them actually guilty, of course). Orlando Sentinel

Lifetime Channel: It's not just TLC embarrassing America in the eyes of the satellite-linked world. Lifetime's "Dance Moms" recently showed an instructor teaching burlesque to age-8-ish girls by having them simulate nudity with skin-colored bikini tops and bottoms, hopping and flopping their feathers. World's Greatest Newspaper

Bundoran, Ireland: (and coming soon to America!) At a testy town meeting, Councillor Michael McMahon opined that a new law provided sufficient government openness and that the country "doesn't need whistleblowers," to which exasperated councillor Florence Doherty replied, "Of course it does, you [a-word]." Donegal Democrat [censored by Yr Editor, to avoid e-mail filters]

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Danbury, Conn.: There's someone for everyone, even Jonathan Price, 41, and Shannon McClung, 38. World's Greatest Newspaper

Thanks to Steve Dunn, George Elyjiw, Chip Sharpe, Bob Smakula, and Pete Randall, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.