The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
March 19, 2012
(datelines from March 9 or later) (links correct as of March 19)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Embden, Maine: Nobody remembers how the road got its name, but most residents want to leave it as is: "Katie Crotch Road." Kennebec Journal
Springfield, Mo.: Race, gender, religion, nationality? No problem with those as "protected classes" in anti-discrimination law. The Missouri House just added
Houston, Tex.: You'll need to buy a program to get it straight. Lawyer and his squeeze put a hit on lawyer's wife. Hitman [Ed.: a real hitman, not an undercover cop!] wings her. Lawyer and wife reconcile. Wife sues squeeze. Depositions galore. ABA Journal
Denver, Colo.: Apparently, the best that cop Michael Nuanes Jr., 37, could do to defend against domestic abuse charges was to complain that she started it by hitting him in the foot with a Justin Bieber doll. (Nuanes's "Man" ranking in jeopardy.) KMGH-TV (Denver)
Davis, Okla.: Hawkeye Jeter, 77, was spotted doing a no-no with a show pig, but "all [I] did" was "I stuck my finger up her private" and "poured corn out to hold the gill still." [Ed.: Yee-hah, I wish I understood any of that that!] Alas, yes, he said, it was for sexual gratification. KFOR-TV (Oklahoma City)
Chicago: Fistfight over whose seat is whose, at
Des Moines, Iowa: Barbers and beauticians need 2,100 hours of schooling for a state license (plus 8 continuing education hours every 2 years). Body piercers,
New York City: (Leading Economic Indicator) Total New York Times Company net profits over last four Internet-challenged years: $3 million. Exit package paid last year to retiring CEO Janet Robinson: $23.7 million. Bloomberg News
Palo Alto, Calif.: Someone stole an iPad, but the joke was on him, as police tracked it via GPS. Also in the house with the iPad: 780 lbs. of crystal meth. Victim: "They have $35 million [worth of meth], and they can't go out and buy an iPad?" Mercury News (San Jose)
Eugene, Ore.: Damien Bittar's Excellent Adventure: Get drunk on March 14th in the evening, then celebrate 21st birthday at midnight, then crash car at 1:30 a.m. (Bonus: crashed into an alcohol rehab facility.) KVAL-TV (Eugene)
Brisbane, Australia: [Ed.: We've reached the End Game in stories about overreliance on GPS navigators; with this one, the genre is officially No Longer Weird.] Three Japanese tourists tried to drive to North Stradbroke Island (15 km away). (Yes, stuck in the sand, plenty of time for photos!) Bayside Bulletin (Cleveland, Australia) [link from Nothing to Do with Arbroath]
Bolivia: Judge Gualberto Cusi, hailing from the indigenous Aymara community, admitted that sometimes, on difficult cases, he relies on coca-leaf readings. BBC News
Nantes, France: Just flew in from Paris, and, boy, is my nutsack tired! Jocko the Bull passed away, said to have fathered at least 161,888 calves (possibly 400,000). And in a report on the science of electro-ejaculation to increase the zoo populations, it was noted that the superstud "Jackson" has almost single-handedly kept U.S. zoos in the elephant business over the last ten years. Reuters /// The Local (Berlin)
London: It's not exactly a "news" story, but Vice.com says it's real--a public restroom outfitted as a sex dungeon, with photos galore. Best if you don't use your imagination. Vice.com [link from BoingBoing]
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
Sardinia, Ohio: It's unclear whether Christopher Tolle, 23, is guilty of the burglaries, and it's also unclear how far away the headlights were when he posed for his mugshot. WLWT-TV (Cincinnati)
The Smoking Gun: Charged with maintaining a drug house and making marijuana (and perhaps suspected of eating several of the arresting officers).
Thanks to Sandy Pearlman, Geoff Egan, and Gerald Sacks, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.