Monday, April 30, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 30, 2012
(datelines from April 20 or later) (links correct as of April 30)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Mudgeeraba, Australia:  The parents of a 13-yr-old girl sued everyone remotely involved after the little buttercup got hit in the eye by a bad shot during a phys.ed. tennis game.  (Bonus: Schools in the area have already banned the ultra-dangerous "doing cartwheels" and "rover, red rover.")  Courier-Mail (Brisbane)

Cairo, Egypt:  It's maybe true that one of the two Islamist reforms recently proposed for parliamentary action explicitly extended a surviving spouse's conjugal privileges for six months after the other's death, but in defense, the clerics pointed out that it applies to surviving wives, too [ed.: insert joke about rigor mortis]  Al-Arabiya

New York:  The Morgan Stanley Quantitative and Derivative Strategies group released stats showing that "real" money accounts only for 16 percent of stock market trades.  The other 84 percent is robo-traded by algorithm.  Washington's Blog

Beavercreek, Ohio:  Robert Strank, 39, intending to rob the Huntington Bank, suffered an unknown medical condition as he approached the counter and asked that a teller call 911 for him.  Then he decided to present his holdup note, after all.  WDTN-TV (Dayton)

Dull, Scotland:  A resident on holiday in the town of Boring, Ore. (pop. 12,000), came home with a suggestion that the two villages become sister cities.  BBC News

Omulgee County, Okla.:  "Meth Lab Explodes in Man's Pants, Oklahoma Police Say"  The latest American technology breakthrough is the portable meth bomb, where you mix everything in a soda bottle and hope the pressure doesn't blow up your house, car, etc.  Associated Press via

Pearland, Tex.:  Ms. Mahogany Mason-Kelly, 20, tweeted, "I still gotta warrant in pearland . . those pigs will NEVER catch me!!! .. Never!!!"  (She was arrested the next day.)   ABC News

Chillicothe, Ohio:  We tried to warn those mothers who pushed their little buttercups into that "Toddlers & Tiaras" competition.  Police report that a screen capture from the TV show, featuring little Alaska Mathews, 9, wound up on a porn website and that they caught a man "performing a sex act" while ogling it.  WBNS-TV (Columbus)

Detroit:  Caught!  A male federal judge sexting (well, bare chest) a bailiff.  Shame, embarrassment  "Hot dog, yep, that's me.  I've got no shame in my game," said Circuit Court judge Wade McCree.  WJBK-TV (Detroit)

Beijing:  NBC News, interviewing the author of a new book on amateur English translations of Chinese restaurant dishes, found "Hand-Shredded Ass Meat," "Strange Flavor Noodles," "Blow-Up Flatfish with No Result," and "Donkey Made by Woman with Freckles."   MSNBC
Muncie, Ind.:  Apparently, she is Earth Day's biggest fan.  Andrea Ginther, 44, was arrested on that sacred day for punching a woman in the face for littering.  The Star Press (Muncie)
West Islip, N.Y.:  In news from the inner rings of Hell, Debbie Stevens is suing ex-boss Jackie Brucia for firing her right after Stevens had donated a kidney to Brucia.  (According to Stevens, Brucia thought Stevens should have recuperated faster from the ordeal and come back to work sooner.)  New York Post

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Longmont, Colo.:  Did Bruce Cook, 60, rob the Mile High Bank on Oct. 20th?  Longmont Times-Call

Cincinnati:  Did William Ferris, 29, abuse 911 again?  Ripped off by a prostitute againThe Smoking Gun

Bergholz, Ohio:  Y'all remember that Amish breakaway group that attacked their tormentors by cutting their hair (and led by a guy named Mullet) [NOTW M238, 10-30-2011]?  Here are four lovely ladies of the group, recently indicted.   The Smoking Gun

And then there's this guy, from The Smoking Gun's weekly mugshots.

Roseville, Calif.:  The mugshot is nondescript.  The question raised here is how a jury can ever find a man Not Guilty when, somewhere along the line, he chose to change his name to Obiwan Kenobi?  KXTV (Sacramento)

Editor's Note:  The week's best story wasn't exactly news, but you need to know just who are all those Alien Abductees?

Thanks to Reid Stacey, Reta Burnett, and Berny Morson, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 23, 2012
(datelines from April 13 or later) (links correct as of April 23)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

San Diego, Calif:  Prof. Vilayanur Ramachandran, who runs the Center for Brain and Cognition at UC San Diego, came up with 30-some people who claim to be periodic gender-shifters, e.g., breasts today, gone tomorrow, same with penises.  It’s just a hypothesis, he said.  Scientific American

Canterbury, England:  University of Kent researcher Sarah Johns, who apparently couldn’t think of anything else to research, tells us definitively that men prefer pink, not red female genitalia.  (Bonus:  Also, kindly be aware that caterpillars of the large white butterfly prefer to vomit when they’re alone, as opposed to within their protective group.  Good to know.)  Live Science via Yahoo News  ///  Science Daily

Shizuoka, Japan:  Police officer Tetsuya Ichikawa, 50, was arrested for coming up behind a 25-yr-old woman in a restaurant and licking her hair.  “I wanted to lick so I did.”  Agence France-Presse via Herald Sun (Melbourne)

Washington, D.C.:  Our long national nightmare is over is not over.  The FCC now wants the U.S. Supreme Court to re-, re-, re-view the Janet Jackson Nipple ruling.  MSNBC

Melbourne, Australia:   The Federal Court ruled that a woman on a business trip, though off-duty in a motel room having wall-banging sex, still gets worker compensation if she's injured by a fixture falling off the banged wall.  (Bonus:  A U.S. appeals court paved the way for a New York City widow to collect on her husband's accident insurance, even though the man had intentionally applied the electric shock to his genitals for sexual excitement.)  Sydney Morning Herald   ///   New York Post

Englewood, Colo.:  Update on the MIT physics-lab researcher who yearned for sex with a mother’s two underage daughters [Chuck's Cite-Seeing, 4-9-2012]:  He’s dead.  A bedsheet hanging in lockup.  KMGH-TV (Denver)

Potomac, Md.:  CVS drugstore supervisor Fenton Graham was arrested as the inside man in two CVS robberies.  The first clue police had was on the surveillance video of the second job, when his two pals pulled the stick-up but then forgot to take the loot with them, leaving it up to Graham to take it out to their car.  Awkward.  Washington Post

Paktika province, Afghanistan:  A mid-level Taliban commander turned himself in at a police checkpoint.  In apparent dead-seriousness, he said he had seen his face on a “wanted” poster, with a $100 reward, and now he wants his money.  Washington Post

Bloomington, Ind.:  Charged with felony battery at Kilroy’s Sports Bar . . Ms. Fellony Silas, 30 [ed. there with her sister Fellatia, no, I made that up]   The Smoking Gun

Washington, D.C.:  The U.S. Supreme Court awarded death-row resident Albert Holland Jr. a new trial, even though he's arguably insane, because as insane as he might be, wrote Mr. Justice Breyer, he understands death-row-appeal time limits better than his actual lawyers (one of whom, by the way, he came to be locked up with).  New York Times

Chicago:  Threatening e-mails were allegedly sent by Emanuel Kuvakos, 56, to some area pro sports executives.  Among them, the former general manager of the Chicago Cubs was accused of "stealing [Kuvakos's] ideas to win championships."  Chicago Cubs?  Awkward.  Chicago Tribune

Birmingham, Ala.:  The state alcoholic beverage regulators refused to allow the sales of beer named Dirty Bastard (even though the state allows Fat Bastard wine).  (To understand, you have to be there.)   Associated Press via

Santa Fe, N.Mex.:  Veteran, cherubic-faced police Sgt. (now ex-Sgt.) Mike Eiskant, 41, ought to have been on the force long enough to know when his dashboard camera/mic is "on" and thus that he oughtn't be audibly "enjoying himself" in the front seat while viewing porn on his cellphone. via Reuters

The Aristocrats!:  (1) Kelly James, 48, Salisbury, Md., says he has been routinely pooping in other people's yards for 20 yrs (but, hey, he wipes himself!).  (2) William Rhode III, Newark, N.J., finally admitted during police questioning that he indeed does get sexual gratification from peeing on himself in public.  (3) Vengeful Joseph Pointer, 51, Lakeland, Fla., venting to a former paramour after stealing her urn:  “I’ve got your dead daughter’s ashes, and I’m going to snort them.”  Daily Times (Salisbury)   ///  Star-Ledger (Newark)   ///   The Ledger (Lakeland)

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

West Monroe, La.:  The lovely Kimberly King, 50, assigned to babysit her great grandkids, had to employ a fifth of Jim Beam to get through the ordeal.  The News Star (Monroe, La.)

Fashion Mayhem, from The Smoking Gun:  Arrested for failure to register a motor vehicle, and trafficking in stolen property, and drug possession.

Editor's Notes:  For your viewing displeasure, a couple of photos of the most tattooed man in Britain (on his 69-yr-old body).  And, remember the Belgian teenager whose story went viral three yrs ago when she got 56 face tattoos?  She says she now regrets it.   ///   World's Greatest Newspaper

Thanks to Gerald Sacks, Mike Mendenhall, Douglas Wilson, Dan Bohlen, and Bruce Strickland, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 16, 2012
(datelines from April 6 or later) (links correct as of April 16)

Vatican City: High-up official Cardinal Domenico Calcagno was outed by an Italian website that reported him as a gun aficionado with a handsome arsenal (at least 13 weapons). Agence France-Presse via Ottawa Citizen

Salina, Kan.: What to do with the Cold War-era Atlas missile silos long ago decommissioned? Developer Larry Hall is building the ultimate gated community with five years of underground food and water in nuke-proof luxury appointments, $2m per condo, cash upfront. Agence France-Presse via World's Greatest Newspaper

Rio de Janeiro: United Nations conferees on sustainable development will meet on June 13th, overtaxing Rio's hotels. Solution: co-opt the city's whorehouses "love hotels," mirrored walls and round beds included. (Problem: June 12th is a big sex day in Rio; next-morning checkout time strictly enforced.) BBC News

Nashville: Get out your calculator and count William Todd's felonies, all committed over a 9-hour period after he hit town April 9th. As of that date, they had him for 11, but were still counting. WSMV-TV (Nashville)

Peshawar, Pakistan: "There is no finer mark of a Pakistani man than a fully oiled, waxed, and twirled moustache," wrote a Daily Telegraph (London) columnist. Hence, over-the-top Amir Muhammad Afridi! But Islam is fuzzy on just how far facial hair obsession can go so Afridi has to live in seclusion. Daily Telegraph

Pahoa, Hawaii: In their wisdom, local officials on the Big Island have now criminalized dogs' "incessant barking," with heavy fines, driving owners to seek dog counselors and dog Prozac. Wall Street Journal

London: The New York Times's fabulous London correspondent Sarah Lyall checked in with a review of Britain's resistance to "no-fault divorce," which leads to many variations of "fault" by parties who want out of holy matrimony (e.g., "maliciously and repeatedly served him his least favorite dish, tuna casserole," "insisted she dress in a Klingon costume and speak to him in Klingon," "husband had not spoken to her in 15 years, communicating only by Post-It note"). New York Times

Modesto, Calif.: People accidentally shooting themselves is a News of the Weird staple, but I haven't see this before: wounded in the shoulder when he accidentally dropped a barbell onto a bullet. Associated Press via WMBF-TV (Myrtle Beach, S.C.)

New York City: (1) Crime Doesn't Pay (Georgia man gets 6½ yrs in prison for . . movie-poster fraud). (2) Yes, Crime Does Pay (Bergen County, N.J., woman ripped off a youth program for $50k, gets 3-yr probation and a restitution order to repay $10 a month). Athens Banner Herald /// Associated Press via

Craig County, Okla.: Mags Bennett wannabe Darlene Mayes, 73, was arrested for running a huge marijuana-trafficking operation (recovered: guns and $277,000). KSEE-TV (Fresno, Calif.)

Beijing: It says here that the government's censorship of a Titanic scene of bare-chested Kate Winslet was to prevent theater-goers from reaching out to cop feels, thus disturbing other patrons. (That's what it says here.) United Press International (scroll down)

Recurring Themes: (1) Recent DNA testing has revealed that a British fertility clinic founder (who died in 1972) might have inseminated as many as 600 moms all by himself. (2) Another perp who ought to have applied for a name change: the convicted rapist-murderer Wilford Molester Galloway. (3) Stealing stuff from a Radio Shack runs a risk that at least one of the items is GPS-enabled, making for an easy collar. (4) A federal regulatory study revealed that women are twice as likely as men to be the ones to confuse the gas pedal and the brake. New York Post /// Lawrence Journal-World (Lawrence, Kan.) /// Chicago Tribune /// Los Angeles Times

Thanks to Don Schullian, Perry Levin, Dave Kanofsky, and Sandy Pearlman and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Monday, April 09, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 9, 2012
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
(datelines from March 30 or later) (links correct as of April 9)

Dehrazi, Afghanistan: "Like it or not," said a United Nations official, "there was better rule of law under the Taliban." He was referring not to Afghan farmers' supplying the world with heroin but to the quaint custom of horny men to bypass burqa-sheathed gals and instead go for pretty little boys for display, companionship, and sex (bacha bazi) (until the boys are old enough to grow a beard, at which time they're history). The Karzai government is maybe against it, maybe not, hard to tell. Washington Post

Tokyo: Japan is deregulating . . fugu chefs! Diners have sure-enough died from eating improperly-fileted poisonous blowfish, which is why those chefs are trained and licensed (and why you can't get a decent fugu meal for under the equivalent of about $120). Until now. The pro-competition Tokyo Metro Gov't is doing away with licensing. Reuters

Boston: Just because you're an applied physicist at MIT and so smart that none of us WU-vies can comprehend the first thing about your job doesn't mean you don't also have needs. For Yaron Segal, 30, apparently, one need was to line up a mom offering her daughters, 12 and 16, for sex. (And guess what he's not smart enough to do. Spot a police sting.) The Smoking Gun

Seattle: The Masters golf tournament is a really meaningful experience for many people, um, white male people, anyway, including Russ Berkman, whose dog ate his tickets just as he was ready to leave for Augusta. Immediately, he induced big Sierra to vomit them out. Then he worked through the puke to reconstruct them (and photo them off to Masters officials to beg for do-overs, which they granted). Yahoo Sports

The F State: (1) No squirt guns, sticks, poles, slingshots, handguns in the central zone around the Republican Convention in Tampa in August. (The city has no jurisdiction over real guns because they are regulated by the National Rifle Association.) [CORRECTION: Real guns are regulated by the state legislature, not the National Rifle Association.] [UPDATE: I had it right the first time.] (2) For sale, on the street outside of DMV offices: driver's license questions and answers, guaranteed to be the exam, $30 cash. (Bonus: And DMV is OK with that.) Tampa Bay Times /// WPLG-TV (Miami)

Angola, La.: How is it possible to keep prisoners in 23 hour/day solitary confinement, in a closet-sized cell, for 40 straight years? Louisiana's done it, and two are there right now. (In a sorta-related matter, an official with the nation's state-of-the-art sound-free lab, in Minneapolis, bets you can't last 45 minutes inside without hallucinating.) BBC News /// World's Greatest Newspaper

Moscow: Russian intelligence is warning that they're working on a microwave gun that's "many times more powerful than in the Matrix films," that attacks the central nervous system and scrambles your brain. It says here that Putin has confirmed the project. World's Greatest Newspaper

London: Researchers at Britain's Met Office, writing in the journal Nature, produce this Extremely Inconvenient News: The oceans would not be so warm (and the recent violent weather in the U.S. would not be upon us) if we weren't so successful at cleaning up pollution. That is, particulates in the atmosphere, it turns out, are good at reflecting the sun back where it came from. Awkward. Financial Times (London)

Phoenix, Ariz.: Not only did Yuan Tian, 23, show fondness for the bare foot of the 23-yr-old shopper but apparently wouldn't let go and had to be separated from the object of his affection by other Target customers. (Bonus explanation: I fell, and my mouth landed on her foot.) KTVK-TV (Phoenix)

Plympton, England: He's got 20,000 bird ornaments in his home, and he has to eat and sleep elsewhere because there's no more room. His father: "It is ridiculous. I just hope I die before him. I don't want to clear all this out."

New York City: The Medical Examiner's office quickly deteriorated after Law and Order was canceled. "Dr. Rogers" had things under control, but the new guys can't even keep track of which of the deceased's parts they want to study, or for how long, or whether they've notified the family. New York Post

Croatia: Radmilla Kus, 55, got some Internet love last week when her Nakurnjak, or knitted penis warmers, caught the eye of exporters. Oddity Central

Chicago: Just say no. Olga Perdomo (to teller at Albany Bank and Trust): Give me all your money, no cops, no dye pack. Teller: We're closed. Come back tomorrow. (Olga came back the following Monday and was arrested.) Chicago Tribune

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwillllantysiliogogogoch, Wales: [ed.: Yeah, it's a list of stupid place names from around the U.S. and the world, and it's a stupid slide show, but it was linked on the USA Today website last week.]

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Lisa Robin Kelly (of That 70s Show), busted for alleged spousal abuse. TMZ

Mary Ryan, one of the three residents of the Halfmoon, N.Y., trailer home that housed 134 cats in pathetic condition. Albany Times Union

Thanks to Roy Henock, Patrick Protomanni, and Tom Sullivan, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 2, 2012
(datelines from March 23 or later) (links correct as of April 2)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Canterbury, England: A gang of five incompetent ATM raiders proved at least five times more incompetent than any one them acting alone--burning the money, setting off alarms, leaving £140,000 ($261,000) behind . . .. World's Greatest Newspaper

Des Moines, Iowa: From the Outer Frontiers of Paraphilia museum, here we have a 59-year-old man who was recently fired by the Farm Bureau because he'd "pick out the attractive females [in the office] and then on off-hours . . . go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs." Des Moines Register

Wiltshire, England: To hide out from police who had caught him stealing fuel, the Lithuanian man cleverly obscured himself by lying face-down in a manure pit (but police heat sensors found him, anyway). BBC News

Ramore, Ontario: In one of the most fabulous highway truck spills of all time, a Brinks 18-wheeler filled only with coins overturned. Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News

Mobile, Ala.: More Redneck Chronicles, like the guy who beat the cottonmouth moccasin to death, then decapitated it, then decided to "play with" the head. (Good to Know: There's still venom in the teeth.) WALA-TV (Mobile)

Taipei, Taiwan: The good thing about "Facebook friends" is that, unlike real friends, if you want to kill yourself, (a) FFs don't rat you out to 911, and (b) they wouldn't know which 911 to call, anyway, because they have no idea where you live. Associated Press via Los Angeles Times

Des Moines, Iowa: The Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary has developed a robot that, among other pranks, fires a water cannon, and the Sanctuary is teaching bonobos to control it with iPad apps. (Are you worried yet?) IEEE Spectrum (Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers)

Los Angeles: Shelley Lynn's lawsuit says McD's was responsible for her turn to prostitution 20 years ago (e.g., it should have vetted better its franchisee Keith Handley, who married her and then turned her). (Separately, McD's suffered another hot-coffee lawsuit, too.) Courthouse News Service /// Chicago Tribune

Milwaukee, Wis.: A federal appeals court sympathized with prisoner Terrance Prude, who had various bad reactions to the county jail's delicious "Nutriloaf." Judge Posner especially winced that Prude had suffered "anal fissures"--"no fun at all" according to Posner's Wikipedia research. American Bar Association Journal /// Wikipedia (Anal Fissure)

Pittsburgh, Pa.: (a) Brandon Price is brilliant: He hacked into the bank account of Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen. (b) Brandon Price is less than brilliant: He got $658 cash and paid off a $278 Gamestop charge, and had his eyes on some Family Dollar items. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Iowa City, Iowa: Wait . . What? Hy-Vee supermarkets reneged on its announcement to stop using "pink slime"-containing hamburger meat because some customers wrote in, complaining that they wanted it. Iowa City Press-Citizen

Los Angeles: 2Good2BTrue: Venture capital and technology are ready, they say, but federal law stands in the way. Result: You won't be able to buy tacos on your phone, then have the sack dropped at your feet by unmanned drones aimed at your GPS location. (Also 2Good2BTrue? Bill Isles, 48, said he had just bought 3 Mega Millions tickets in Wichita, Kan., and mused to a pal that he had a "better chance" of being hit by lightning than winning, and then later that evening, got hit by lightning. Hospitalized but OK.) Huffington Post /// Reuters

Floydada, Tex.: West Texas farmers confessed their dirty secret: They've been wasting water by spraying their "cotton" crops even though they knew full well that the crops are so parched that they will yield nothing of value. Reason: Federal crop insurance regs require it. Texas Tribune

China! New reports on old News of the Weird stories: (1) At the annual Qingming Festival, where relatives burn paper models of items in the belief that the deceased will thus be able to enjoy those items in the Next World, this year's best-seller is, of course, the paper iPad (about US$3). (2) It's spring in Dongyang, and they're busy boiling eggs in the urine of young boys (collected the same way Alan Patton collects it). Salud! China Daily /// Reuters

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Sacramento: Jesse Thomas, 55, drunk in public? Ya think? Sacramento Bee

The Smoking Gun: DUI, narcotics possession, felony fashion decisionmaking

Thanks to Scott Huber, Craig Cryer, Cindy Hildebrand, and Gary DaSilva, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.