Monday, April 02, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 2, 2012
(datelines from March 23 or later) (links correct as of April 2)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.

Canterbury, England: A gang of five incompetent ATM raiders proved at least five times more incompetent than any one them acting alone--burning the money, setting off alarms, leaving £140,000 ($261,000) behind . . .. World's Greatest Newspaper

Des Moines, Iowa: From the Outer Frontiers of Paraphilia museum, here we have a 59-year-old man who was recently fired by the Farm Bureau because he'd "pick out the attractive females [in the office] and then on off-hours . . . go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs." Des Moines Register

Wiltshire, England: To hide out from police who had caught him stealing fuel, the Lithuanian man cleverly obscured himself by lying face-down in a manure pit (but police heat sensors found him, anyway). BBC News

Ramore, Ontario: In one of the most fabulous highway truck spills of all time, a Brinks 18-wheeler filled only with coins overturned. Canadian Broadcasting Corp. News

Mobile, Ala.: More Redneck Chronicles, like the guy who beat the cottonmouth moccasin to death, then decapitated it, then decided to "play with" the head. (Good to Know: There's still venom in the teeth.) WALA-TV (Mobile)

Taipei, Taiwan: The good thing about "Facebook friends" is that, unlike real friends, if you want to kill yourself, (a) FFs don't rat you out to 911, and (b) they wouldn't know which 911 to call, anyway, because they have no idea where you live. Associated Press via Los Angeles Times

Des Moines, Iowa: The Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary has developed a robot that, among other pranks, fires a water cannon, and the Sanctuary is teaching bonobos to control it with iPad apps. (Are you worried yet?) IEEE Spectrum (Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers)

Los Angeles: Shelley Lynn's lawsuit says McD's was responsible for her turn to prostitution 20 years ago (e.g., it should have vetted better its franchisee Keith Handley, who married her and then turned her). (Separately, McD's suffered another hot-coffee lawsuit, too.) Courthouse News Service /// Chicago Tribune

Milwaukee, Wis.: A federal appeals court sympathized with prisoner Terrance Prude, who had various bad reactions to the county jail's delicious "Nutriloaf." Judge Posner especially winced that Prude had suffered "anal fissures"--"no fun at all" according to Posner's Wikipedia research. American Bar Association Journal /// Wikipedia (Anal Fissure)

Pittsburgh, Pa.: (a) Brandon Price is brilliant: He hacked into the bank account of Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen. (b) Brandon Price is less than brilliant: He got $658 cash and paid off a $278 Gamestop charge, and had his eyes on some Family Dollar items. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Iowa City, Iowa: Wait . . What? Hy-Vee supermarkets reneged on its announcement to stop using "pink slime"-containing hamburger meat because some customers wrote in, complaining that they wanted it. Iowa City Press-Citizen

Los Angeles: 2Good2BTrue: Venture capital and technology are ready, they say, but federal law stands in the way. Result: You won't be able to buy tacos on your phone, then have the sack dropped at your feet by unmanned drones aimed at your GPS location. (Also 2Good2BTrue? Bill Isles, 48, said he had just bought 3 Mega Millions tickets in Wichita, Kan., and mused to a pal that he had a "better chance" of being hit by lightning than winning, and then later that evening, got hit by lightning. Hospitalized but OK.) Huffington Post /// Reuters

Floydada, Tex.: West Texas farmers confessed their dirty secret: They've been wasting water by spraying their "cotton" crops even though they knew full well that the crops are so parched that they will yield nothing of value. Reason: Federal crop insurance regs require it. Texas Tribune

China! New reports on old News of the Weird stories: (1) At the annual Qingming Festival, where relatives burn paper models of items in the belief that the deceased will thus be able to enjoy those items in the Next World, this year's best-seller is, of course, the paper iPad (about US$3). (2) It's spring in Dongyang, and they're busy boiling eggs in the urine of young boys (collected the same way Alan Patton collects it). Salud! China Daily /// Reuters

Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:

Sacramento: Jesse Thomas, 55, drunk in public? Ya think? Sacramento Bee

The Smoking Gun: DUI, narcotics possession, felony fashion decisionmaking

Thanks to Scott Huber, Craig Cryer, Cindy Hildebrand, and Gary DaSilva, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.