The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 23, 2012
(datelines from April 13 or later) (links correct as of April 23)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
San Diego, Calif: Prof. Vilayanur Ramachandran, who runs the Center for Brain and Cognition at UC San Diego, came up with 30-some people who claim to be periodic gender-shifters, e.g., breasts today, gone tomorrow, same with penises. It’s just a hypothesis, he said. Scientific American
Canterbury, England: University of Kent researcher Sarah Johns, who apparently couldn’t think of anything else to research, tells us definitively that men prefer pink, not red female genitalia. (Bonus: Also, kindly be aware that caterpillars of the large white butterfly prefer to vomit when they’re alone, as opposed to within their protective group. Good to know.) Live Science via Yahoo News /// Science Daily
Shizuoka, Japan: Police officer Tetsuya Ichikawa, 50, was arrested for coming up behind a 25-yr-old woman in a restaurant and licking her hair. “I wanted to lick so I did.” Agence France-Presse via Herald Sun (Melbourne)
Washington, D.C.: Our long national nightmare
Melbourne, Australia: The Federal Court ruled that a woman on a business trip, though off-duty in a motel room having wall-banging sex, still gets worker compensation if she's injured by a fixture falling off the banged wall. (Bonus: A U.S. appeals court paved the way for a New York City widow to collect on her husband's accident insurance, even though the man had intentionally applied the electric shock to his genitals for sexual excitement.) Sydney Morning Herald /// New York Post
Englewood, Colo.: Update on the MIT physics-lab researcher who yearned for sex with a mother’s two underage daughters [Chuck's Cite-Seeing, 4-9-2012]: He’s dead. A bedsheet hanging in lockup. KMGH-TV (Denver)
Potomac, Md.: CVS drugstore supervisor Fenton Graham was arrested as the inside man in two CVS robberies. The first clue police had was on the surveillance video of the second job, when his two pals pulled the stick-up but then forgot to take the loot with them, leaving it up to Graham to take it out to their car. Awkward. Washington Post
Paktika province, Afghanistan: A mid-level Taliban commander turned himself in at a police checkpoint. In apparent dead-seriousness, he said he had seen his face on a “wanted” poster, with a $100 reward, and now he wants his money. Washington Post
Bloomington, Ind.: Charged with felony battery at Kilroy’s Sports Bar . . Ms. Fellony Silas, 30
Washington, D.C.: The U.S. Supreme Court awarded death-row resident Albert Holland Jr. a new trial, even though he's arguably insane, because as insane as he might be, wrote Mr. Justice Breyer, he understands death-row-appeal time limits better than his actual lawyers (one of whom, by the way, he came to be locked up with). New York Times
Chicago: Threatening e-mails were allegedly sent by Emanuel Kuvakos, 56, to some area pro sports executives. Among them, the former general manager of the Chicago Cubs was accused of "stealing [Kuvakos's] ideas to win championships." Chicago Cubs? Awkward. Chicago Tribune
Birmingham, Ala.: The state alcoholic beverage regulators refused to allow the sales of beer named Dirty Bastard (even though the state allows Fat Bastard wine). (To understand, you have to be there.) Associated Press via AzCentral.com
Santa Fe, N.Mex.: Veteran, cherubic-faced police Sgt. (now ex-Sgt.) Mike Eiskant, 41, ought to have been on the force long enough to know when his dashboard camera/mic is "on" and thus that he oughtn't be audibly "enjoying himself" in the front seat while viewing porn on his cellphone. FindLaw.com via Reuters
The Aristocrats!: (1) Kelly James, 48, Salisbury, Md., says he has been routinely pooping in other people's yards for 20 yrs (but, hey, he wipes himself!). (2) William Rhode III, Newark, N.J., finally admitted during police questioning that he indeed does get sexual gratification from peeing on himself in public. (3) Vengeful Joseph Pointer, 51, Lakeland, Fla., venting to a former paramour after stealing her urn: “I’ve got your dead daughter’s ashes, and I’m going to snort them.” Daily Times (Salisbury) /// Star-Ledger (Newark) /// The Ledger (Lakeland)
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
West Monroe, La.: The lovely Kimberly King, 50, assigned to babysit her great grandkids, had to employ a fifth of Jim Beam to get through the ordeal. The News Star (Monroe, La.)
Fashion Mayhem, from The Smoking Gun: Arrested for failure to register a motor vehicle, and trafficking in stolen property, and drug possession.
Editor's Notes: For your viewing displeasure, a couple of photos of the most tattooed man in Britain (on his 69-yr-old body). And, remember the Belgian teenager whose story went viral three yrs ago when she got 56 face tattoos? She says she now regrets it. OddStuffMagazine.com /// World's Greatest Newspaper
Thanks to Gerald Sacks, Mike Mendenhall, Douglas Wilson, Dan Bohlen, and Bruce Strickland, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.