Monday, May 07, 2012

Chuck's Weekly Cite-Seeing Tour
The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday

Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
May 7, 2012
(datelines from April 27 or later) (links correct as of May 7)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Newtown Township, Pa.:  A man "between 35 and 45" reportedly flashed a woman . . in the bookstore of the Bucks County Association for the Blind.  Unclear on the Concept.  Phillyburbs.com

Seattle:  Attorney Andrew Basiago renewed his claim that he time-traveled as part of a DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) project from the time he was 7 until age 12.  He said he and his colleagues would jump through a field of radiant energy into a vortal tunnel and "when the tunnel closed, we found ourselves at our destination."  (Bonus:  The project had issues, he admits, e.g., twice, while back in time, he ran into himself.)  Huffington Post

San Francisco:  Henry Wolf filed a lawsuit against BMW for its "ridged" motorcycle seat, which he said gave him priapism during a four-hour ride, and he still suffers from it.  SFGate.com

Port St. Lucie, Fla.:  High school staff member Robert Van Wagner was arrested after he allegedly tried to convince girls aged 12 and 13 to please put on these-here socks and run around that field for him.  TCPalm.com (Stuart, Fla.)

New York City:  It was "Weekend at Bernie's" but where a lawyer got to cross-examine the hoaxer, who pretended to be his own mom.  (Thomas Parkin gambled away his real estate inheritance and thought the only way to get it back was to pretend his now-dead mom never gave it to him and thus still owned it, but that required him to be both himself and the now-still-alive mom.)  (Q: "You speak with her, correct?  How does she respond?")  (A: "It's one-sided.")  Daily Beast

Wakefield, England:  From London's Daily Star, the fabulous Lede sentence:  "A double killer who had a sex swap and was moved to a women's jail is divorcing the lesbian murderess he wed behind bars."  Daily Star

Hamburg, Germany:  Police are about to pin 96 burglaries on a 33-yr-old man on the basis of his, um, earprint.  (He had a habit of pressing his ear to the front door to listen whether anyone was home.)   Spiegel Online (Hamburg)

Bucharest, Romania:  The U.S. has the Statue of Liberty, and now Romania will have the statue representing the birth of the nation, fusing the Roman empire with the ancient tribes of Dacia.  It's a naked guy holding a pit bull by appearing to cradle the dog's nuts.  (It's supposed to be something else, but . . ..)   BBC News

Stamford, Conn.:  A trove of Hitler documents is up for bid (ends tomorrow), including reports that he used cocaine extensively, injected extract of bull testicles for virility, and had a bad case of flatus [ed.: Insert politically incorrect gas joke here]  New York Daily News

Kathmandu:  Government-run Nepal Airlines's Boeing 757 lifted off, but only after a successful two-goat sacrifice to appease the Hindu sky god.  In other sacrifice news, a camel was killed in Kazakhstan to end a wave of suicides after village elders said, well, it worked once before.  And a dad was arrested for attempting to sacrifice his 8-yr-old son in another Third World coun--actually, in San Diego.  Metro (London)  ///  RIA Novasti (Moscow)  ///  KNSD-TV (San Diego) 

Nutley, N.J.:  And if you missed Saturday Night Live, here's the lady charged with endangering her sunburned 5-yr-old daughter by letting her into a tanning booth.  Turns out she's hardly an authority on UV-ray safety.  CBS News

Bonus "Good News" Story:  At a Tulsa, Okla., animal hospital, a black Labrador brought in with a gunshot wound befriended a blind Golden Retriever and has become his seeing-eye assistance dog.  [ed.: OK, That's enough.  Kindly resume being cynical.]  New York Daily News

Thanks to the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.