The Crème de la Crème, Every Monday
Hand-Picked and Lightly Seasoned by Chuck Shepherd
April 30, 2012
(datelines from April 20 or later) (links correct as of April 30)
© 2012 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Mudgeeraba, Australia: The parents of a 13-yr-old girl sued everyone remotely involved after the little buttercup got hit in the eye by a bad shot during a phys.ed. tennis game. (Bonus: Schools in the area have already banned the ultra-dangerous "doing cartwheels" and "rover, red rover.") Courier-Mail (Brisbane)
Cairo, Egypt: It's maybe true that one of the two Islamist reforms recently proposed for parliamentary action explicitly extended a surviving spouse's conjugal privileges for six months after the other's death, but in defense, the clerics pointed out that it applies to surviving wives, too [ed.: insert joke about rigor mortis] Al-Arabiya
New York: The Morgan Stanley Quantitative and Derivative Strategies group released stats showing that "real" money accounts only for 16 percent of stock market trades. The other 84 percent is robo-traded by algorithm. Washington's Blog
Beavercreek, Ohio: Robert Strank, 39, intending to rob the Huntington Bank, suffered an unknown medical condition as he approached the counter and asked that a teller call 911 for him. Then he decided to present his holdup note, after all. WDTN-TV (Dayton)
Dull, Scotland: A resident on holiday in the town of Boring, Ore. (pop. 12,000), came home with a suggestion that the two villages become sister cities. BBC News
Omulgee County, Okla.: "Meth Lab Explodes in Man's Pants, Oklahoma Police Say" The latest American technology breakthrough is the portable meth bomb, where you mix everything in a soda bottle and hope the pressure doesn't blow up your house, car, etc. Associated Press via KansasCity.com
Pearland, Tex.: Ms. Mahogany Mason-Kelly, 20, tweeted, "I still gotta warrant in pearland . . those pigs will NEVER catch me!!! .. Never!!!" (She was arrested the next day.) ABC News
Chillicothe, Ohio: We tried to warn those mothers who pushed their little buttercups into that "Toddlers & Tiaras" competition. Police report that a screen capture from the TV show, featuring little Alaska Mathews, 9, wound up on a porn website and that they caught a man "performing a sex act" while ogling it. WBNS-TV (Columbus)
Detroit: Caught! A male federal judge sexting (well, bare chest) a bailiff.
Beijing: NBC News, interviewing the author of a new book on amateur English translations of Chinese restaurant dishes, found "Hand-Shredded Ass Meat," "Strange Flavor Noodles," "Blow-Up Flatfish with No Result," and "Donkey Made by Woman with Freckles." MSNBC
Muncie, Ind.: Apparently, she is Earth Day's biggest fan. Andrea Ginther, 44, was arrested on that sacred day for punching a woman in the face for littering. The Star Press (Muncie)
West Islip, N.Y.: In news from the inner rings of Hell, Debbie Stevens is suing ex-boss Jackie Brucia for firing her right after Stevens had donated a kidney to Brucia. (According to Stevens, Brucia thought Stevens should have recuperated faster from the ordeal and come back to work sooner.) New York Post
Your Weekly Jury Duty [In America, you're presumed innocent . . until the mug shot is released]:
Longmont, Colo.: Did Bruce Cook, 60, rob the Mile High Bank on Oct. 20th? Longmont Times-Call
Cincinnati: Did William Ferris, 29, abuse 911 again? Ripped off by a prostitute again? The Smoking Gun
Bergholz, Ohio: Y'all remember that Amish breakaway group that attacked their tormentors by cutting their hair (and led by a guy named Mullet) [NOTW M238, 10-30-2011]? Here are four lovely ladies of the group, recently indicted. The Smoking Gun
And then there's this guy, from The Smoking Gun's weekly mugshots.
Roseville, Calif.: The mugshot is nondescript. The question raised here is how a jury can ever find a man Not Guilty when, somewhere along the line, he chose to change his name to Obiwan Kenobi? KXTV (Sacramento)
Editor's Note: The week's best story wasn't exactly news, but you need to know just who are all those Alien Abductees? Wired.com
Thanks to Reid Stacey, Reta Burnett, and Berny Morson, and the mighty NOTW Board of Editorial Advisors.